


DOUBLE IDENTITY [en version]

by Merenwen99



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, On the Run, Suicide Attempt, Teacher-Student Relationship, double identity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-06-18 10:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 52,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15483978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merenwen99/pseuds/Merenwen99
Summary: She was a perfectly ordinary student.She loved her carefree life full of books. But she also loved her professor.And that professor had a bigger secret than one would think.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I guess you don't know me yet but I've decided to post this story, so here it is! I'm not a native English speaker and I originally wrote this story in a different language. However, my readers really liked it so I thought: Why not translate this story into English and gain new readers from all around the world? Now I'm finally done with the translating and you can enjoy reading it! I'm accepting any kind of feedback - feel free to express your thoughts and feelings about this story, you can even give some advice as I know it's not perfect at all and I'm aware that it needs some improvement. Now, get comfy, grab your hot chocolate and prepare for some spicy Yixing ;)

Oh hello there. My name's Hyejin. Jung Hyejin. Right now I'm sitting on the passenger seat in a car rushing along the Yellow Sea coast. Yes, indeed. I'm on a run. The question is: What am I running away from?  
Recently I've been kicked out of school. For a certain amount of time, I even became a homeless person. And I nearly died, too, while attempting to commit suicide. This all because of one person. The person who's sitting next to me right now. The person who's trying to carry me away from the shit I've been through. The person I love despite everything. The love of my life.  
 _If you want to understand what happened exactly, let's go less than a year back._


	2. Chapter 1

My dreamless but calm and deep sleep was interrupted by the annoying sound of my alarm.  
“Oh God!” I reached over to my nightstand to get a hold of my mobile phone. Although I pressed the most random combination of buttons on the display of it, I managed to silence it so I put it back on the nightstand, snuggled under my warm blanket and closed my eyes while not caring about what time it is.  
With the assumption I had only postponed my alarm, I carelessly fell asleep again – no worries, no remorse. I opened my eyes once again, after a seemingly five-minutes sleep, with an intention to find out the reason why my mobile phone isn’t ringing yet. That’s when my dad rushed into the room.  
“Hyejin-ah!”  
“Dad! What’s the reason for you to be running around the house in the morning like a lunatic?” I moved my tired eyes on him and spoke with my morning voice.  
“Because you have overslept, young lady!” He was still wheezing and breathing rather heavily from having to conquer two floors and it made him look quite furious. _But my dad would never be mad at me.  
_ “What? Overslept?” I looked at the time to make sure my dad’s only playing jokes on me to pull me out of bed effectively. But unfortunately, he wasn’t. He was serious. I’ve overslept for more than twenty minutes instead of my desired five minutes. I immediately jumped out of the bed and landed on my bare feet. “Shit!”  
“Language!” he noted and left with an amused smile on his face.  
I continued on panicking. I originally picked long trousers and warm fluffy sweater. However, when I looked out of the window, I understood that this wouldn’t do. The weather would certainly not be easy on me. The sun was shining bright with its full force and it was calm. I would literally catch on fire in this outfit. I hurriedly picked other clothes – a summer floral dress, airy enough to makes sure I’ll be as comfortable as possible throughout the day. _This year’s autumn is quite hot – I don’t remember when was the last time the weather was so hot even at the beginning of November.  
_ I sat down at my make-up table, already dressed, and I started brushing my raven black and freshly cut hair. I like this short style much better. Even though I didn’t have much time, I still felt like I needed to dedicate some time to actually making myself into a presentable human being. Therefore, I applied some lip balm to my lips and sprayed some of my perfume into the air, letting the little drops fall on me. I spared one quick glance at me in a mirror before I got up and prepared things for school. By that I mean I literally swept all the textbooks from my desk into my bag and I didn’t forget about my favourite book and my terrible glasses. Then I finally descended all the way down to the kitchen.  
“Breakfast, fast, I only have like five minutes if I want to catch the bus.” I sat down and not long after that my breakfast – a bowl of cereals with milk - landed on the table.  
Dad was reading the newspaper peacefully.  
“Good morning to you too, darling.” Mom patted me on the shoulder.  
“Uh, sorry, good morning, y’all,” I mumbled, mouth full of cereals. I was basically choking on it.  
“Eat slowly, you’ll kill yourself!” mom snapped at me like she does all the time.  
“I can’t miss the bus. Actually, I should be on my way now. Have a nice day, mom. Dad, you too!” I shouted for both of them to hear and got up from my seat, leaving the rest of my breakfast untouched. I grabbed the snack my mom had prepared for me and sett off.  
While commuting to school, I was thinking about the start of my day. It looks the same every single morning. I always read with just the light of my lamp until late at night and in the morning I’m not capable of stepping a foot out of my bed. _My life’s a big mess, I guess._ But I like it, believe it or not. I like my life full of books and textbooks and stuff like that because I never stand out in the society. I have always been more quiet and timid and I never really got a chance to use my social skills. I’m not even sure if I have any since I created the small circle of my friends on a playground while I was still little and I can’t really remember how. Everything has always been revolving mainly around school and studies. And it still is. I’m in the first year at university at the moment and my major is chemistry. I fell in love with chemistry at the secondary school. Chemical reactions of different elements with others have always fascinated me, I liked watching what happens when the substance is heated and then cooled down again but what I’m interested in the most is biochemistry. Studying about the chemistry of our metabolism, about what happens in our body while we’re not even conscious of it, has been my dream for so long. And I’m finally making it come true.  
Well, that’s it. I am a hell of a nerd. But I don’t mind at all. I got used to it. I’ve been living with it for over nineteen years now and I’m afraid it won’t ever change. Like I said. I like my life.  
The bus dropped me off right beside the university and left. It’s time for another perfectly ordinary day spent at a university desk.

 

*******

“God! I thought I won’t be able to make it until the end of the lesson!”  
“Do you ever do anything other than complain, Yejin-ah?” I turned sight to my classmate. She made a silly face while still looking cute, actually. If I made any of these faces in the school halls, everyone would rather hide in their classrooms.  
“You’re still wondering? Our biology professor has magical abilities – she’ll make you wanna fall asleep with just one word but she won’t ever let you close your eyes for more than a millisecond. If you do, she’ll roar like a fucking lion at you for the rest of the lesson,” she said and stretched a bit, leaving the boys around speechless.  
Kang Yejin was the exact opposite of me. Her hair was blonde and long, she wore blue contact lenses and she always dressed up in the most stylish way. In general, she was the girl everyone notices and remembers, unlike me. Her only reason to attend school was that she had to and she was constantly surrounded by people of all sorts. Boys were eager to get her for themselves and unlike me, nobody has ever called her a nerd.  
“Have you ever thought about not being rude to her? Maybe she won’t even notice you then?” I asked, not really expecting her to answer.  
“Yeah, sure, I’m convinced it does work for you. You’re her little sweetheart. Actually, every god-damn professor at this school adores you because you’re so smart. How is that? What is your secret?” she wondered.  
“I have no social life,” I finally spoke after a little thought.  
She burst out in a laugh. “True. Sometimes I’m surprised you’re even talking to me.”  
“Blah, blah, I’m glad you’re having fun. The chemistry lesson is about to begin, let’s get going.” We needed to hurry so I picked up my pace a bit. I was excited since it was going to be my favourite subject.  
When I arrived in the classroom, I went to sit in my usual seat in the front. The professor appeared in a minute. Mrs Park was a nice elderly lady who knew chemistry by her heart and she could explain it to anyone. Even Yejin mostly understood her interpretations. Her lessons were comprehensible and quite enjoyable. This lesson wasn’t any different. However, some hot news came along with the ringing of the school bell.  
“Wait a second! Before you leave, I’d like to tell you something important,” she announced with a firm tone in her voice. “Hayoon-ah, please, kindly close the door and sit back into your seat.”  
Song Hayoon, the star of our university and – according to Yejin’s words – a girl who rode half the boys from this school, closed the door and sat back into her seat, just like Mrs Park ordered her to.  
“Okay, thank you. As you know, I’m already,” she paused before she summoned up the courage to speak again, “I wanted to say old but I’m not doing that, I know you. Let’s say I’m in my best years and therefore I decided to retire.”  
 _Retire? She must be kidding. She is my favourite professor, that can’t happen. Oh God, what if we’re assigned to that young hateful bitch? Then I’m doomed as a biochemist, I won’t make it.  
_ I had different thoughts in my mind and I was losing the ability to think straight. It literally felt like my entire world has been swallowed by hell.  
“This was our last lesson together, guys. But don’t panic, I found the best substitute I could find for you.” She moved to the door leading into her office, opened it and peeked inside. “Professor, would you?”  
She came back with another person behind her back – a male. He was young, quite handsome and extremely charismatic. He was dressed in an expensive looking suit – all grey, the jacket was undone, showing a plain white shirt. His left wrist was decorated with a luxurious watch and his hair was black and styled up. A natural charm was radiating from him and the look in his eyes, viewing all the students, was attracting a lot of attention. I stared at him. A bit too much, probably. But I couldn’t help myself. I watched him the whole time until he reached the desk and looked around. He then revealed his bright smile and a little dimple appeared on his right cheek. I had to turn away so that I could distract myself. My eyes landed on Yejin and Hayoon. _Well, I guess I’m not the only one dazzled by his looks._ These two couldn’t take their eyes off of him, just like me. They were staring at him shamelessly and everybody could tell what they were thinking of. Their sinful and naughty thoughts invaded my mind and spread redness on my cheeks. I knew because I could feel them burning. I purposely darted my eyes into the blackboard.  
“Kids, this is your new chemistry professor. Please, professor, introduce yourself,” Mrs Park interrupted the quiet and gestured towards him.  
He nodded and took a step closer, then leaned against the desk, just beside mine, and actually looked at me briefly. After that, he lifted his gaze to the class and spoke with a soft and friendly voice. “Hey, guys, nice to meet you. I am professor Zhang.”


	3. Chapter 2

“Can you imagine it? When she told me, I couldn’t believe it!”  
I and Yejin were sitting by one of the tables in the school cafeteria. We didn’t have anything to do before the next lesson so we were simply chatting in order to kill some time. Yejin was just telling me a story of some sort, probably one of those filthy gossips, but to be honest, I wasn’t listening to her at all. I did not have a single clue what she was talking about. A rather different person has stolen my attention.  
Nearby, there was standing a man who has been creeping in the back of my mind for quite some time. From the moment I saw him walking into the classroom today, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wasn’t able to get him out of my mind. He had something in him and that something was arousing a certain level of curiosity in me. It could be his attitude, his charisma or his looks. He sure made a great first impression and I was more than convinced that everyone has been dying to know what to expect from the following lectures in his direction. I myself was also curious about other things.  
Unfortunately, he was not alone there. Our little twinkly star Hayoon was hanging around him. She was making eye contacts with him, she was attacking him with gentle touches and the way she was literally pushing her cleavage right into his face was unmissable. Her acting was so horrible it could have made every single student in this cafeteria sick. _Ew, disgusting._ But still, I hadn’t looked away. No, I was watching them – Hayoon with jealousy and hatred and professor Zhang with admiration and astonishment. My eyes were clinging to his lips and every time they created a little smile, I sighed over the thought of what they are talking about. I noticed every movement of his and when his hands got anywhere near Song Hayoon, I froze and held my breath until they moved away. Although I was stealing glances at him like a fanatic, I tried to make sure not to get caught.  
“Yah, are you even listening to me?” Yejin kicked my leg under the table.  
I quickly turned to her and gave her a nervous smile. “Sorry, I didn’t hear that. What is it you were talking about?”  
She looked in the direction where my gaze had adhered to and then nodded in understanding. “Of course,” she laughed before continuing, “you’ve been staring at our sexy professor the whole time, haven’t you?”  
“What? No!” I tried defending myself but we both knew I was guilty.  
“Yes, you have and I won’t believe any of your excuses. You have no chance to deny it since your red face literally screams dirty thoughts. Actually, I completely understand you.” She winked at me and bit her bottom lip. “I’ve already checked him out and his butt is everything. But then there’s his cute and innocent face and...shit he’s good, he’s real good,” she continued on blabbering about him, “I’m not even surprised you like him, I kinda do, too.”  
“Who said I like him?” I straightened up on the chair and rested my hands on the table.  
“Don’t you?” She lifted her eyebrows and tilted her head to the side.  
“No, I don’t. He’s all yours.” I leaned backwards with arms crossed on my chest in defense.  
“I feel honoured, however, that’s something impossible so we don’t have to fight over him. If it was possible, he would have already been mine.”  
I was about to open my mouth and make a sarcastic note but a sound of someone coughing interrupted our conversation. We both turned to the source of it – just to see a monster, lightnings flashing from its eyes, probably trying to kill us. _Song Hayoon.  
_ “Do you need anything? Cool down, maybe?” Yejin immediately reacted and grabbed her glass full of water to give her a hint she’s ready to slop this at her, anytime.  
“Let me give you some advice. Hands away from Yixing.” She viewed her new manicure before dragging her eyes onto us, a poisonous glimpse in them.  
“From whom?” We both said in one voice. _What the hell_ _is_ _she talking about?  
_ “From professor Zhang.”  
“Well, would you look at that. You’ve already managed to sneak your way to him. Congratulations, Hayoon-ah, you’re really something else,” Yejin said sarcastically while I was biting down on my lower lip to avoid spewing words to her account.  
“Yeah, this territory is already marked.”  
Hayoon was confident and she had many reasons why. Her slim waist contrasted her curves and her hair was dyed fiery ginger and thanks to that, her look was considered to be attractive. Moreover, she came from a rich family. Half of the school danced to her tune and the second half hated her, basically. _I guess you know which half I and Yejin belong to._  
“Are you a dog or what?” Yejin grinned at her and that’s when I lost it.  
Although I tried covering my mouth with my hand to hide it, a drowned laughter had escaped my lips. Hayoon turned red and I wouldn’t say it was because of shame. She turned red because she was pissed off, a lot.  
“Laugh as much as you want, Hyejin-ah. But in the end, who’ll be the one laughing?” she said in a stern voice, her eyes judging me and her tone venomous.  
I couldn’t stand her presence any more and as much as I wanted to hold back, it was too hard for me so I exploded. “Hayoon-ah, back the fuck off, okay? You don’t have to worry about any of us standing in your way. Keep on urine-marking that territory of yours and stop being such a bitch.”  
Hayoon growled at me frustrated and then turned on the heel and walked away. The look Yejin gave me was priceless. Her eyes were wide open and her jaw dropped down in amazement. I took the glass from her hands and drank some water to wash away the taste of anger on my tongue.  
“What was that?” she finally spoke, genuine confusion in her eyes.  
“What do you mean?” I asked, still annoyed by the fact I even had to speak to her.  
“This! You swept her right off the scene! I don’t believe my own ears.”  
“She was unbearable, okay? I had to do it for the sake of my mental health.”  
“I don’t blame you. This was the best thing I’ve ever witnessed.” She laughed in amusement and it immediately raised my mood up.  
“We should go now, I don’t want to miss the afternoon classes.”

 

*******

 

That night, I was just lying on my bed, staring up to the ceiling and thinking about what happened that day - the hectic but quite casual morning followed by shocking news that our professor is retiring, then the appearance of our new professor and finally the argument I had with Hayoon. It was an ordinary day but a few extraordinary things had occurred today. One of them was still remaining in my thoughts, refusing to go away. The book I was currently reading was there, on the nightstand, untouched. This was the very first night I fell asleep while thinking of the person who messed with my head rather than with a book in my hands.  
These days, when I remember how harshly I defended myself that I didn’t like the professor and I didn’t intend to stand in anybody’s way, I must smile. Apparently, I was a big liar because things have gone differently. I did like him back then and as time went on I began to feel the need to stand in everybody’s way. If I had known how things will evolve in the future, I would rather just sit there with my mouth shut securely at that moment.


	4. Chapter 3

Today’s morning was the exact copy of others but still, it was different. Something new has been waiting for me and I simply wasn’t able to forget about it. I couldn’t wait for this day. Even though I could count for how many days I had to wait onone hand, it still seemed like an eternity to me. I was as strained as a string, expecting to burst anytime soon. I was constantly thinking about it - the following chemistry lesson. Wherever I went and whatever I did, I had to think about what’s going to happen. _Will I be able to deal with it? Will it meet my expectations?  
_ When I left for the bus this morning asusual, I was still drowning hopelessly in all those thoughts about professor Zhang and the lecture. The nervousness pervaded my veins and bones while I was trying to imagine the scene. However, someone interrupted me and I was pulled back into reality.  
“Hyejin-ssi, can I sit with you?”  
I left the pictures behind the window, turned my head and lifted my sight up to the man standing above the seat next to me, taken by my school bag. As I recognised the man, I gave up believing my eyes were healthy for a moment.  
“S-sure, professor…”  
I immediately grabbed my bag and put it under my seat. When the seat next to me sagged beneath the weight of his body, I felt shivers running down my spine and in my shoulders. The blood in my veins suddenly turned cold and left goosebumps all over my body.  
“Do you usually take this bus, Hyejin-ssi?” He smiled at me and that same mesmerising dimple appeared on his right cheek.  
“I do, most of the time,” I spoke silently, intimidated by his proximity. I shifted in my seat because I felt like our personal spaces were blending a bit too much, almost unhealthily. _Am I supposed to blame or worship the limited space of this bus because of it?  
_ “It seems like we’ll be taking it together.”  
 _I should definitely worship it.  
_ “Oh, o-okay. But, professor, may I ask how do you know my name? I’m sure I didn’t tell you.”  
“Mrs Park talked about you. A lot and in a good way. She was always talking about this young pretty lady who’s intelligent and is most likely going to become a biochemist. I remember you since she said you had a great potential and I should dedicate as much time as possible into making you ready.” He gave me another warm smile.  
“She said that?” I slightly turned to him.  
“Yeah, she did. You could say I had already known you when I first met you, Hyejin-ssi. During the last few weeks, I’ve heard your name in regular doses.”  
I was in awe. I knew Mrs Park liked me but I didn’t know she liked me that much. It was nice knowing that she believed in me and she really thought I could be successful. However, it’s a pity that I couldn’t hear it directly from her because it would mean so much more to me.  
“Aren’t we supposed to get off the bus here?” He woke me up from my thoughts.  
I gave him a confused look before I realised it was actually a question. “Yeah, yeah, that’s right.”  
I reached under the seat and took my bag. Then I stood up and followed him to the door. The bus was just heading to the bus stop. I didn’t bother with holding onto anything since the drive seemed to be smooth enough and I kind of didn’t want to touch anything here when I didn’t have to. _Who knows, maybe if I had held onto at least something that day, things could have happened differently_.  
A big red car got in our way and the bus driver didn’t have any other possibility than to stomp on the brake and stop the bus. I lost control over my balance and started falling backwards. Fortunately, somebody’s strong hands captured me and pulled me into a firm embrace. I could smell a scent of some sort, it tickled my nose but it was nice. The bus finally stopped and people stopped moving back and forth so I slowly lifted my gaze and looked up atthe person who had saved me from a painful fall. I saw professor’s chocolate brown, fearful eyes looking down on me and checking if I was okay. _I guess this was the moment when the trouble began. Those eyes. Those damned eyes._  
“Are you all right, Hyejin-ssi?” he asked in concern and his hands were still holding me tight, dangerously close to him.  
“I... I’m fine, nothing happened, professor.”  
Suddenly, his hands let go of me and the abrupt absence of his warm body pressed to mine felt rather strange. Autumn reached me with its cold hands and made me shake.  
“Let’s go now,” he said casually.  
On the way through the campus, we stayed quiet, making our way through the crowds of annoyed students who looked back at us in disbelief and started gossiping the moment we showed them our back. I especially won’t forget the look that clung to Hayoon’sface when we were passing by her just a few steps from the entrance to the right wing of the main university building. That’s where we parted our ways.  
“I’m looking forward to seeing what’s in you. Make sure to show me the best. See you later,” he said before turning away from me.  
He picked up his pace and quickly entered the building. I traced him with my eyes until he disappeared from my sight. Unluckily, I had to attend a mathematics seminar. But I doubted that numbers could fit in my head today because it was full of useless thoughts about other things.

 

*******

 

After three infinite lessons, I finally sat in my seat in the classroom full of test-tubes and other chemistry utensils and I relaxed. For me, chemistry was always something relaxing and natural, something I deal with every day and something that’s directly related to me. It has always brought me joy. I was looking forward to every single lecture but today‘s lesson I anticipated even more. The moment the door of the professor‘s office opened, the noise of talking students was replaced by the sound of sliding chairs as everybody stood up. Professor Zhang had entered the classroom just as magnificently as the last time.  
“Good morning, everyone. You can sit down.” He unbuttoned his chequered jacket and fixed his round glasses. He leaned his hands against the desk and looked around the class. “I believe everyone has been able to remember who I was but I‘ll repeat it for those absent in the last lesson. I am professor Zhang, your new chemistry professor.” He crossed his hands on his chest and waited for some reaction. He received it in a form of a bow so he nodded slightly and continued. “I have already read through the class register and your names so that gives us a great opportunity. What about a little oral exam?”  
The class came alive with different sounds resembling all kinds of animals. It’s true that I didn’t really expect that either.  
“Dear students,” he interrupted the fuss, “I don’t know which professor is okay with you behaving like cattle but it’s not me. You don’t like something, you express it in a human-like manner or you simply keep it to yourself, it’s up to you. I, however, recommend the latter.”  
A deathly hush spread through the class in the nick of time. It surprised me how he managed to tame a class full of savages. He gave off a completely different impression at school than outside of it. He was nice and kind, yes, but he was able to squeeze respect out of us which increased the level of his charisma.  
“You understand fast, I like you,” he made a joke and the atmosphere in class loosened a bit. “All right, I presume you were able to revise both organic and inorganic chemistry with Mrs Park. You have already heard all of this for the third time since secondary school and therefore I expect quick and exact answers. Any volunteers?” His eyes scrutinised the class before they focused on me.  
He was challenging me to defend my reputation with his unwavering gaze. I blinked nervously and shook my head slightly. He smiled at me sympathetically and turned his head away from me.  
“Okay, I’ll pick myself. Let’s start with rather simple questions form organic chemistry. Carbon acts as a four-legged element. Is it true? Song Hayoon-ssi.” He pointed at her with one finger and then laid one of his hands on his hip.  
“Yes, it is true, professor,” she answered confidently.  
Hayoon was not just a pretty face. She wasn’t stupid and she actually had quite a lot of knowledge and that made her even scarier. She was a dangerous enemy and had very little weaknesses which she protected well.  
“Correct. Unsaturated hydrocarbons – what bonds do they have? Choi Taewook-ssi,” he asked another student.  
“They have at least one or more double or triple bonds between carbon atoms.”  
“Correct. What about the structure of these two types of bonds?” he asked yet another question. “Kang Yejin-ssi, do you know the answer?”  
He hit the nail on the head. I turned back and looked at Yejin. Her expression revealed everything. She had no clue at all. Her forgetting curve has a much steeper gradient – she remembers all the information for about...three minutes? But she’s a good person.  
“I’m sorry but I don’t know the answer,” she apologised and lowered her gaze. I could literally hear her screaming within herself. She must have felt so small in front of him.  
“Never mind! Someone else?”  
I was certain no one would raise their hand even if they knew the answer. I myself wasn’t able to do it. My hand just wouldn’t listen to me.  
“Nobody? Really? What about you, Jung Hyejin-ssi?” He went up to me from the rear half of the classroom, his hands in the pockets of his black trousers and his brown eyes pleadingly looking down at me through his glasses. I saw it coming.  
“Well, the double bond consists of one sigma bond and one pi bond while the triple bond consists of one sigma bond and two pi bonds,” I forced myself to answer quickly.  
“Great, Hyejin-ssi, that’s correct. It will be a pleasure to work with you,” he said, winked at me and smiled slightly.  
I couldn’t keep eye contact with him any longer so I looked away before he did.  
“Okay, guys, let’s move on to more difficult questions.”  
The rest of the lesson went smoothly – we were answering his questions the whole time and sometimes we even had an opportunity to ask him some questions. The thing I was so afraid of has gone into absolute vanity. I liked him as a professor from this very first lesson and I think he kinda liked me as a student, too.  
When the bell rang, announcing a break, I quickly collected my stuff with a smile on my face and with an intention to go thank professor for saving me earlier that day, since I completely forgot to thank him. But before I managed to get there, Hayoon was already giggling beside him. The look on his face revealed that this conversation wasn’t forced at all and those two were actually starting to get along with each other. I gave up and headed towards the door.


	5. Chapter 4

I wasn’t able to calm myself down from the moment I stepped a foot into the bus. I constantly had to think about the fact he was going to get on this bus and he would probably sit down next to me. I had no idea how I was going to survive this. Each time the bus stopped and the door near me opened, I felt an urge to quickly get off and go on foot instead. But there was this one little piece of me which was hoping to see him get on and sit next to me. I couldn’t even understand myself any more.  
When the bus finally stopped at the bus stop where the professor got on the last time, I couldn’t take my eyes off the front door. I waited for him to appear while breathing heavily. As I caught a glance of his raven black hair, his iconic chequered jacket and those familiar round glasses, strangely I relaxed a little. Maybe the wish for him to be there was greater than I thought.  
Professor Zhang looked around the bus, his eyes apparently searching for someone. They stopped on me and a wide smile spread on his face before he went after me. I watched him drawing closer until he reached me and then I looked up at him. I couldn’t believe it was happening again.  
“Is this seat taken, Hyejin-ssi?”  
“No...no it’s not. Feel free to sit down, professor.”  
He sat down next to me and placed his bag onto his lap. I noticed he was wearing ripped jeans. At first, I thought it didn’t suit his style but the more I was looking at him the more I thought the opposite. Combined with a plain white T-shirt and blue chequered jacket they looked better than good on him.  
“How was your weekend?” He turned his head towards me and all of a sudden he was terribly close. I could hear him breathing peacefully.  
“It was nice. What about you? Did you have a good weekend, professor?”  
“I had a lot of work that needed to be done but overall I had a good weekend.” He smiled and made a soft noise.  
Maybe this is the right moment to finally thank him for last time. Right now I was regretting that I pulled my hair back in a ponytail this morning. I could have at least play with my hair to hide the fact that I was absolutely unnerved.  
“I’d like to thank you for last week. You know, when you saved me from falling. I didn’t even realise I forgot to thank you so...thank you.”  
“There’s nothing to thank for. I just did what I had to in order to keep my student safe. Don’t worry about it, Hyejin-ssi.”  
“I won’t then. But I have one request, if you don’t mind, professor.”  
“What request?” He asked curiously and turned to me.  
“You can drop the honorifics. I’m not used to it, professors at our university don’t bother with it so it feels unnatural. It makes me feel weird, like old or something.” I made a joke because I believed he would be amused by it and then the tension would be gone. But I was probably the only one feeling it.  
Professor started laughing and then nodded. “Okay, Hyejin-ah, I’ll grant your wish. But if you feel old at nineteen, wait until you’re twenty-five, like me.” He also made a joke.  
 _Twenty-five? Wow, he’s like really young_. He must have just finished school. I laughed at his joke just as the bus stopped in front of our school. We both stood up and got off the bus. We didn’t talk much on the way through the campus until we arrived at the main entrance.  
“Do we have a lesson together today?” He turned to me and laid his hand on his hip.  
“Unfortunately, we don’t.” I pulled my sweater closer to my body. Autumn is finally showing the flag although it practically already ends.  
“What a shame. Well, in that case, I’ll be looking forward to our next meeting, Hyejin-ah.” He lifted the corners of his lips, turned on his heel and headed towards the entrance.  
I stayed there, frozen and unable to move, and watched him disappear from before my eyes. In the end, I even missed the beginning of the first lesson. For the first time in my life.

 

 *******  


I was finally on my way back home after a pretty exhausting day. I don’t mind attending school, I like studying at university, but Mondays are just Mondays – annoying and much too long. Especially when I have school until the evening. That’s why I got a bit irritated when my mom called me and sent me to the grocery store to do the shopping.  
I got off the bus several stations earlier and stopped at the nearest grocery store in order to make it quick. I grabbed all the things from the list my mom had sent me and then just walked through the aisles to check whether I forgot anything. While doing so I came across a person I would most likely not expect to be here. I almost had a heart attack when I saw him. My heart started beating like crazy and I just needed to hide. _I don’t even know why. I guess that’s what fools do.  
_ Thinking that he didn’t see me, I sighed in relief and headed to the cashier. But he appeared right before my eyes, one hand in his pocket and a red shopping basket in his other hand. He was wearing just a black T-shirt, black jeans and he looked so normal. His hair wasn’t styled up as always but his fringe kind of hung over his forehead and that made him look even younger than he was. I couldn’t deny that professor Zhang was indeed very good-looking and, apparently, even in casual clothing.  
“Our next meeting came sooner than I thought it would,” he said before he touched his lips, “but Hyejin-ah, you’re not dodging me, are you?” A little mischievous smile appeared on his face since he saw right through me.  
 _Quickly think of something, Hyejin-ah!_ “Absolutely not, professor! It’s just that I... I have to catch the bus so I’m in a hurry. I just needed this.” I laughed nervously and grabbed the first and the nearest thing out of the rack. “I got it.”  
He viewed the thing in my hand and then cleared his throat. He scratched the back of his head, looked away and bit his lower lip, trying to hide his amused face. I looked at what I was holding in my left hand and when I realised what it was, I nearly collapsed. It was a package of pads. I sighed and put it in my basket with a total humiliation. My fingers automatically drowned in my hair as I bowed my head down, wishing for me to fall through the ground, here and now. _Of all things here, you just have to grab exactly this, Hyejin-ah?!_  
“I should probably go now. Have a nice evening, professor.”  
I turned around and went to pay for the things I’ve picked. I put all the things in a plastic bag and quickly escaped from there into the cold and fresh evening air. But someone grabbed my hand.  
“Hyejin-ah, wait! ” He seemed a bit sorry about what happened. “It’s getting dark and I live near the station so let me accompany you. This neighbourhood is quite dangerous at night. I’ll walk you to the station, okay?”  
I nodded and tried to push the incoming tears back deep down. He took the bag from my hand and headed in the direction of the bus stop. I followed him quietly, no words coming from my mouth. The moment the bus arrived, he gave me my bag and said his goodbye to me. I got in and sit in the front by the window. I waited for him to turn away and take his leave but he stayed in place until the bus started moving. He waved at me and then he left.  
Today was not an ordinary day. It was tiring but interesting, I must admit. Actually, neither of these days from when this person appeared in my life was normal. Every night I fell asleep in bed with thoughts of different experiences and incidents. There were so many. Completely agitated, I thought about this all the way home, not knowing anything about the spectator who sit in the back of the bus and witnessed everything.


	6. Chapter 5

Even though yesterday didn’t quite go as I imagined it would, I had a surprisingly good and energetic mood today. I wanted to get down to everything - I had one of those days when you’re so active and you want to be as productive as possible. I was determined not to let anything spoil my great mood but it happened right away.  
I was just rushing to the chemistry class. I had barely two minutes to pass through the main hall which was like the longest hall in this school - it connected the two side wings of this building. The chemistry classroom was located on the top floor of the right wing and that meant I needed to hurry, except that I already knew I was going to be late.  
Suddenly, someone pushed me with their full force from behind and my unpreparedness chose its tax. All the books I carried in my hands --because they couldn’t fit in my bag-- scattered on the ground. The person then grabbed my shoulder and pushed me against the lockers. The hard bump caused me unpleasant pain so I squeezed my eyelids together and stopped perceiving for a moment to absorb the pain. As soon as I opened my eyes and saw the messy ginger hair and cheeks painted with faux freckles, I knew who it was.  
“Song Hayoon!” I screamed at her, not understanding her behaviour.  
“I thought we’ve already talked about this.” She held the collar of my striped shirt.  
I grabbed her wrist and pulled it away from me. “I don’t know what you mean.”  
“I saw you with professor Zhang yesterday. Do you remember now?” She took a step closer, trying to scare me while almost breathing intomy face. But she didn’t pick the right day for this.  
“Yeah, that’s possible, you could have seen us. So what? You don’t have to go crazy about it, we just accidentally met in the grocery store and he helped me with my things. I don’t know what conclusion you came to but I can assure you it’s hurried.” I moved forward but Hayoon didn’t back away as I thought she would.  
She stood still, looking down at me from her height. “Let him be because I won’t hold back in the future. I am giving you a good advice, I hope you realise that.” She crossed her arms onher chest while smiling creepily. Right in that moment the bell rang and announced the beginning of the class. “You’ve been lucky today. But next time? I doubt it.”  
With that, she turned on the heel and headed to the chemistry class. I sighed in annoyance and looked at all those books scattered around me. I knelt down, ignoring my new white jeans, and one by one I started putting the books on a pile thoroughly, including the papers that have flown out of them. I hardly got up from the ground, took the pile of books in my hands and made my way to the chemistry class, this time absolutely unhurried and with a totally spoiled mood.  
I opened the door and peeked inside. Hayoon was already in her usual seat, her almost black eyes burning into my soul. There was a message in her gaze – _speak and you’re dead_. The professor looked up from the blackboard which was full of equations of saccharide anabolism reactions. He was charming as always, today in a simple black suit.  
“You’re late, Hyejin-ah.” He spoke blankly.  
“I’m sorry, professor, I was feeling sick. But I’m okay now.”  
“All right then, you can sit down. But make sure this won’t happen again. At least let me know before the lesson starts, okay?”  
“Understood.” I clenched the strap of my bag on my shoulder and went to sit down.  
I prepared all the necessary things and then started copying notes from the blackboard. The professor took my late arrival into account and explained everything once again in a slow manner for me to understand it properly. During his interpretation, I noticed he kept on looking my way until he finally turned around and fixed his glasses.  
“Are you sure you’re okay, Hyejin-ah? You look pale. Why don’t you go relax a bit in my office? I’ll send you the notes from today’s lesson via email.”  
“I’m okay, professor, really. You don’t have to worry about me.” I smiled at him and shifted in my seat.  
“If you say so.” He said softly and repaid my smile.  
The cute dimple appeared on his cheek again. I had to bite down on my lower lip, I couldn’t help it. He looked into his personal notes and then turned to the blackboard with an intention to continue interpretation, however, something forced him not to do so.  
“But it’s true that the classroom is kind of _stuffy_ today. No wonder it made you feel sick, Hyejin-ah.”  
He unbuttoned the first button of his shirt and even took off his jacket which ended on his desk. In that moment I noticed a suspicious red stain on the collar of his otherwise purely white shirt. It looked like a lipstick stain which someone once failed to wash. Actually, it was virtually impossible not to notice it. Everybody noticed. Only the professor probably had no idea about it.  
“Ahem, professor Zhang?” Hayoon was the first person who decided to dig into this, of course.  
Professor turned to her with a question in his eyes, trying to read her expression which was a mixture of amusement and something evil. “Do you need anything, Hayoon-ah?”  
“It’s just that you have something on your shirt. And I think we’re all curious if it is what we think it is.” She smirked at him and then looked around the class with a triumphant smile glued to her face.  
Professor first checked the sleeves of his shirt and then his belly along with his chest but he wasn’t able to find anything. He looked at Hayoon and gave her a confused look so she used her index finger and pointed at her neck. He pulled his collar a bit in order to be able to look at it and when he saw it, he twitched in shock.  
“Uhm, that’s...a…,” he cleared his throat before continuing, “I was in the art professor’s office during the break so that’s probably how it happened. I don’t know what you’ve thought it was, Hayoon-ah, but think over the way you speak to me in the future.”  
“Did I say something wrong?” She put her hand in front of her mouth and looked at him with wide eyes, acting her way out of it as if she didn’t even realise what she said. _Have I ever told you how much I hated her?  
_ “Not really but you should be careful with the tone.”  
“I apologise.” She looked down and bowed her head slightly.  
As the third party, I witnessed the whole thing and I must say there was something odd about it. It was never my intention to meddle with someone else’s business like Hayoon does all the time but it all seemed to me like that bitch had just touched a sensitive spot. It seemed like the professor was making excuses and he most certainly did not tell the truth.  
“Let’s get back to the topic of today’s lesson.” He said in a stern voice and then he remembered something. “Oh, actually, I wanted to talk to you about something. We’re in the middle of November and the examination period is approaching quickly. You should start...”  
I ceased to perceive at that moment. We’ve heard such drivel for the third time already and I was certain it wasn’t the last time. I dove deep into my thoughts instead. _What is that stain supposed to mean? Is it really what I think it is? Does he have a girlfriend? Does he have an affair with a professor from this school? Or is there something going on between him and Song Hayoon?_


	7. Chapter 6

In the end, time went by so fast and the examination period was gone in a blink of an eye. It ended just as fast as it came. Of course that I passed all the exams seamlessly – you could say that I waved my hand effortlessly and that was it. Then, after a very long and warm autumn, winter suddenly came and hit us with its full force. And along with that, in February, a new semester came and brought one hundred percent of problems and zero percent of solutions.  
As the chemistry lessons passed one after another, things gradually became more and more complicated until literally everything was fucked up. For months, I have been staring at him so freely and blatantly during all those lessons and that broke me. With every other lesson, my will became weaker and loosened a bit, until it loosened completely and I succumbed to it even though I tried so hard not to. I knew this was going to be trouble. I knew nothing good would come out of it. I knew that someday, sooner or later, I would regret it. However, I still wasn’t able to control my feelings and I fell in love with him. _Hopelessly and recklessly_.  
I worshipped every word he said. I watched his every movement. Every single day my eyes were glued to him and I wanted him to look at me the way I looked at him. I started dressing differently, I started wearing high heels, I started using more make-up and doing my hair – all this because I thought he would notice me. I even asked Yejin for help. I didn’t tell her the real reason, I just told her that it’s all about me and the way I feel about myself. I don’t even know if she believed it then. Despite that, I realised how unrealistic this idea was. Anyway, I was in way too deep. _Too-fucking-deep_. Every chemistry lesson was a reward and a punishment at the same time. It was a reward because I could watch him and be close to him without any restraint. And it was a punishment because I had to watch him and be close to him while I was trying to forget about him and get over him.  
Because of him, I was capable of absolutely anything and due to that, I found myself in a big trouble. I accepted every challenge, every task and every extra work professor Zhang has given me. I put all the effort only into his lessons and nothing else which led to that my grades in other subjects have worsened and I was not used to that. I needed to have some order in my business. I was a perfectionist and my marks had to be nothing but perfect. That’s why I decided to stop ignoring the harsh reality. I started working hard on my grades again and I unintentionally loaded my shoulders with a heavy burden I wasn’t even able to handle.

 

 *******  


“Did you even go to sleep yesterday?” Mom asked me during the breakfast. She seemed concerned about me and there was no wonder to it. The huge under-eye bags, the swollen lips and the tormented expression on my face made it clear.  
“I did but don’t even ask me when.” I closed my eyes for a while and slowly chewed on my breakfast which I didn’t want to eat anyway.  
“That’s three nights in a row already. Do you really have to study so much?” My dad added to the conversation.  
“I’ve underestimated it and now I want to fix everything before it’s too late.”  
“You shouldn’t worry about it that much. Unless you’re to be expelled, perfect marks are not so important.” Dad put away his newspaper to look at me briefly through his glasses.  
“School is, has always been and will always be my one and only priority, dad.” I put aside the bowl of strawberries with yoghurt and stood up from my seat. _I’m not eating this any more._  
“That’s my girl. One day you’ll make it big, sweetie.” Mom came to me, placed her hand on my shoulder and gently kissed my forehead. Then she cleaned the dishes from my breakfast. “Just make sure you’re not overdoing it, yeah? Hang out with your friends and stuff. Enjoy the freedom while you still can.” She winked at me from the sink.  
“I’ll take this to heart. I gotta go, bye, family!” I grabbed my bag and dashed to catch the bus.  
On the bus, I tried to get some extra sleep which I haven’t been getting lately. I could have used a couple of minutes but I gave them up as there were some ignorant boys in the seats in front of me who were making terrible noises the whole time. I was so out of it I even forgot about my fellow-traveller this morning.  
“Good morning, Hyejin-ah.” Professor Zhang greeted me and simply sat right beside me, not worrying about asking if the seat next to me is taken. These days, it has become a habit. Our shared journeys to school have become a day-to-day affair.  
“Good morning, professor.” I answered him and finally let out the yawn I was trying to suppress vainly for quite some time now.  
“You okay, Hyejin-ah? I don’t mean to be rude but you don’t look so good. I guess you didn’t sleep again, right?” He fixed the turtle-neck of his black sweater and pulled the grey winter coat closer to his body.  
“I’m perfectly fine, professor, I just haven’t completely woken up yet.” I lied and just like him I also pulled my black coat closer to my body.  
“Don’t push yourself too hard. You might end up falling over.” He remarked jokingly and then patted my shoulder, not knowing he’s the one making it hard for me.  
“Really, I’m okay.” I lifted the corners of my lips as an imitation of a smile.  
However, I was definitely not okay that day. Before the afternoon classes, I and Yejin went to the school cafeteria to eat something delicious but as soon as I got into the circle of food, my stomach immediately reacted. The look at the food school served us didn’t make me feel any better but exactly the opposite so I decided to skip lunch today. And I guess that was the fundamental mistake.  
We just sat there for a while, Yejin was eating her lunch and I was quietly suffering. I felt dizzy, my eyes hurt and when I wanted to focus sharply, I got a headache. It was like I was in a sauna even though it was actually pretty cold at school and my chest ached so much I couldn’t breathe properly. I tried to hide it as much as I could. I was a coward - I didn’t want to admit that I was overly exhausted and that I couldn’t handle it any more.  
When we were heading for the last two lessons of chemistry, I knew something was wrong. I had to lean on Yejin to be able to walk straight, sweat dripping from my forehead.  
“Hyejin-ah, what’s wrong with you?” She stopped for a while and touched my forehead. Her hand felt freezing cold against my boiling hot skin. “Oh my God, you’re burning up.”  
“I’m fine, don’t wo-”  
Darkness suddenly spread before my eyes, my head started spinning like crazy and all the sounds slowly disappeared into echoes.  
“Jung Hyejin!”  
My unconscious body fell to the ground and stayed there, completely exhausted and totally destroyed.


	8. Chapter 7

I was woken up by an unpleasant neck pain. I reached under my head and found out I was sleeping without my pillow for some reason. But as I opened my eyes, an even more shocking finding was awaiting me. The thing I was lying on was not my bed and this was not my room.  
I sat on the couch I was lying on and looked around the room. The first moment I had no clue where I was but the more I was looking around the more I got a feeling I knew it there. It must be one of the professors’ offices. But they were all the same and I couldn’t really tell which one it was. Moreover, I didn’t know why I was there.  
All of a sudden the door opened and professor Zhang appeared in the office. Today he was wearing a simple white shirt and blue jeans. His hair was messy and cute and he carried a tray in his hands, looking as perfect as always. I sleeked my black skirt and pink blouse with frills. I didn’t know how my hair looked but I could bet it was a disaster so I just quickly fluffed my fringe and put some of my hair behind my ears. When he noticed I was awake, he smiled slightly, came to me and placed the tray with food and a glass of orange juice on my lap.  
I looked up to him with a question in my eyes. “What has happened, professor?”  
“You’ve fainted out of exhaustion, Hyejin-ah. You also had a fever but it went down already. You needed a bit of sleep. I’ve already called your parents, they’re coming for you. Now eat.” He sat on the armrest and encouraged me to take the first bite.  
I looked down at the tray and even when the school food didn’t look very attractive, I could hear my stomach gurgling just from the look at it. I started eating and the professor just watched me for a while before he sighed frustratedly.  
“Spare yourself a little, Hyejin-ah. You’ve gone overboard. Try to enjoy your free time with your friends instead of books. You’re destroying your own health by not going to sleep at night. You need to realise that no one and nothing is more important than your own sleep. Also, Kang Yejin told me that you’re skipping meals.” He was looking down at me with a strict expression and I suddenly felt terribly guilty. I looked away from him and put a spoonful of rice in my mouth.  
“I promise that from now on I will only enjoy my life.” I laughed, drank some juice and then continued consuming my late lunch. While doing so, I could feel his troubled look on me.  
“Try to find some balance between the two, okay?” He laughed as well and that sound surprised me. I have been listening to his laugh for months now and it still gave me butterflies.  
“Thank you for letting me rest in your office, professor.” I put away the spoon and looked at him.  
“You’re welcome. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my favourite student,” he said and then went silent for a moment before a look of amusement appeared on his face. “There’s something...” he didn’t finish the sentence, reached up with his hand timidly and touched my face cautiously.  
His thumb slowly and thoroughly wiped a crumb from the corner of my lips. With this act, he absolutely caught me off guard. I looked him in the eyes and our gazes have clashed. We both quietly stared into each other’s eyes for a moment but it seemed like a whole eternity. We didn’t make a sound, we just read in the eyes of the other, professor’s hand still on my cheek. Different feelings were mingling inside me and I knew my cheeks were slowly turning hot and red. My heart probably skipped a beat too. In that moment, a knock on the door interrupted us.  
Professor took his hand away from my face, cleared his throat and got up from the couch to open the door. In the meantime, I turned away from the door so that no one could see how red my face was.  
“Mr Jung, Mrs Jung, I’m professor Zhang. Your daughter has just woken up and...”  
I stopped listening. Instead of that, I tried to collect myself because of what happened just a moment ago. My heart was beating fast and my breathing was irregular – in one second I thought I would suffocate and in the other, I thought my lungs would explode. I wasn’t sure what was going on with me. I reached up to touch the place that professor’s hand had just touched and I couldn’t believe it a bit. It literally burnt. I needed to get out of here real quick.

 

***  


While in the car, I received a wide-spread and a very fierce lesson from my parents. They basically scolded me for unnecessarily burdening myself. But at home, they started tiptoeing around me like I was ill with some serious disease. That’s why I was glad my phone rang because I could escape this madness for a little while.  
I picked it up.  
“Are you okay? How are you feeling? Has it gotten any better?” Yejin sounded very troubled, almost like my mom. So this wasn’t an escape at all.  
“Calm down, geez, I’m feeling better now. And Yejin-ah...thank you for helping me. I’m not even imagining what would happen if you hadn’t been there.” I shifted on the bed and found a comfortable position.  
“Actually...it wasn’t me who helped you. I didn’t have to. Professor Zhang was just passing by and he saw it all. The moment you fell to the ground, he immediately rushed over to you and took care of you,” she said with a peculiar tone in her voice.  
“What? I didn’t know that,”I replied in confusion.  
“Yeah, it’s true. When he made sure it’s nothing serious, he took you into his arms and carried you into his office. We were supposed to have chemistry with him but he gave us some papers for self-studying and looked after you the whole first lesson. He even cancelled the second one and sent us all home,” she said in awe and then continued. “When I watched him rescuing you, it felt almost like he was some kind of hero. I wasn’t able to catch my breath, it seemed like we were in a film,” Yejin was telling the story so excitedly. However, I was in a huge shock.  
“I’ll have to thank him properly tomorrow.” I bit down on my lips and placed the mobile phone against my other ear.  
“Don’t even think about going to school tomorrow. You need to stay at home and rest for a bit. I’m not letting this happen to you again. On top of that, it’s already Friday tomorrow,” she kept insisting on me staying at home.  
“Still, I’m going. I’m fine, seriously.”  
“No, you’re not. Stay at home, keep calm, eat regularly and get yourself together because I and Sangmi unnie are preparing a surprise for Saturday night so you can relax yourself a bit. I gotta go now, bye and take care.” She ended the call and didn’t give me a chance to object.  
 _A surprise? Am I supposed to be looking forward to it or to be scared of it?_


	9. Chapter 8

“I think I’m gonna die.” I cast off my suitcase to the corner of the room and threw my body on the soft mattress. What I said was true – I really felt like I was going to die.  
“Yeah, same here. I’m all sore because of the bus,” Yejin said and threw herself on her bed like I did.  
When Sangmi entered in our shared room, rested and fresh looking, she put her suitcase beside the wardrobe and then came to the window to spread the curtains. The huge window let sun rays through and they lit the room and blinded me and Yejin.  
“Get up, ladies. We came to party, not to laze.”  
Lee Sangmi, a curvy brunette, was the type of friend you take to a party with you. She knew all the clubs within a radius of at least fifty kilometres, she knew what was the best place to dance and what was the best place to drink, she attracted a lot of attention and she could hold her alcohol pretty well. If it happens that you overdo it a little and don’t have enough strength for anything more than just wallow beside the toilet – not that this has ever happened to me – you know that this girl has a reserve and she’s capable of getting you home safe at night and helping you from your hangover effectively the next morning. Well, at least that’s what Yejin had said to me. But let’s get back to what had happened exactly.  
After several hours of Yejin begging and persuading me, I had to pack my things and get on the bus from Seoul to Gangneung, a coastal city, to enjoy a nice weekend and relax a bit. Yes, that’s the surprise Yejin and Sangmi prepared for me. We spent more than four hours in an uncomfortable bus just to arrive at a cheap and nasty looking hotel by the coast. In the end, our room wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be and it had its benefits. The sea view, for example. Moreover, it wasn’t so bad to escape from Seoul and from all that has been going on there recently. They were right – I just needed to rest, for the sake of my own good.  
“Sangmi unnie, give us an hour. No more, no less, okay?” I whined and buried my face in the pillow.  
Yejin made a noise in agreement and wrapped herself in a blanket. After all, it was February. However, Sangmi intervened readily. She took my pillow and Yejin’s blanket before she threw them away.  
“I insist on you two keeping the agreed schedule. Right now it’s 4 pm and that means we have only for about two hours and fifty minutes left to make ourselves look irresistible. I want to sit at the bar, holding a glass in my hand, by 7 pm.”  
“God, don’t be crazy. Three hours are more than enough.” Yejin reached out to me and stole my blanket. In a snap, Sangmi took this blanket, too.  
“Just two hours and forty-nine minutes already.” Those were her last words.  
She started unpacking her things, taking out countless cosmetic bags, brushes, curling iron and a straightener, shoes and different dresses. _How did she even fit all of this into that tiny suitcase?_ Unfortunately, I and Yejin had to surrender and begin preparing for the night out. But I have to admit Sangmi really did a good job at transforming us. She made into a completely different person. I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t believe it was me – my hair was straightened, my lips were vivid red and I was dressed in a simple black mini dress without straps, complemented with red high heels. I couldn’t recognise myself. I can’t say I felt comfortable but it was a nice change.  
Just like Sangmi wanted, we left our room ten minutes before 7 pm, targeting the hotel bar. All three of us ordered a glass of white wine and made a toast for the beginning of this long and, I hope, delightful night.  
“Cheers, ladies. This is going to be the best night of our lives!” Sangmi said and the tapping of our glasses started off our ladies night. And the shit went down.

 

***  


The music in the club we moved to during the night was so loud I could feel it bass inside me and I didn’t even think about trying to speak to somebody. I couldn’t hear myself talking, let alone other people. But I was having fun. Kind of. Maybe you don’t believe, but I did. I wasn’t able to loosen up like Yejin and Sangmi but it was an unusual and quite refreshing experience for me. I have emptied a few glasses of wine – enough to have the courage to roll my body on the dance floor but not that much to not be able to think straight. That’s why I turned down Yejin’s offer resolutely.  
“Absolutely not, Yejin-ah. No,” I refused her ridiculous idea while we were in the bathroom where we could have at least a small conversation.  
“Oh come on, Hyejin-ah. What’s so bad about it? Sangmi unnie also thinks it’s a great idea.” She was just fixing her hair, trying to persuade me to do the biggest stupid thing you could ever think of.  
“It seems like a great idea because you two are drunk as hell. If you want to go then do it but I’m skipping. I’ll go lie in bed and get some sleep.” I dried my hands with a paper towel and was just about to leave when Sangmi appeared in the door.  
“Hyejin-ah, don’t be a nerd. I know very well that somewhere deep inside you’re just as much of a freak as we are. Otherwise, you wouldn’t last a minute with us.” She was holding onto the hand dryer and she kept on hiccuping. _So this girl can hold her alcohol pretty well, huh?  
_ “Yeah, Sangmi unnie is right! It’s not that you don’t want to. You do want it, but you’re scared. You’re a coward!” Yejin sided with her and showed an omniscient expression.  
 _A coward? I am not a coward. Why would I be scared of it?  
_ “Okay, let’s go,” I said and walked out of the bathroom.  
I’ve let them persuade me and that’s why I was sitting on a leather settee, watching horny girls and women of all ages put paper money behind underwear of muscular male strippers. Yes, you’re right. I fell into their trap and I was forced to spend the Friday night in a strip club. How awesome.  
“Now you’re glad you’re here, am I right?” Yejin poked me, then threw her hands up and started yelling at some stripper who has just shown his naked ass.  
“I’m dying of happiness,” I made a sarcastic note and put on an ironic smile.  
“Girl, you have a problem. But I think I know a solution,” Sangmi said before she got up from the settee and disappeared. After a while, she came back and she was wearing an excited expression on her face. “I made a reservation for a private dance in the VIP lounge. It’s yours, Hyejin-ah. You’re supposed to be there within ten minutes,” she said just by the way and sat back on the couch. I had to spat out all the wine I just drank.  
“You crazy? Not happening.” I wiped my dress with a handkerchief and started preparing to leave.  
“Don’t be a fool. He’s a legend, the star of this club. He calls himself Lay. Come on, it’s gonna be fun. And I’m paying.” She prevented me from leaving and urged me.  
I sighed and hid my face in my hands for a moment. _Can somebody explain me why did I ever come here?_ Suddenly they both grabbed my arms and dragged me around the corner, in front of the VIP lounge entrance.  
“We’re here because of you, Hyejin-ah. Relax and loosen up a bit, stop thinking only about school and studying. Clear your head. Go in there and enjoy it!” Yejin said, pushed me through the door and closed it behind me.  
Before I could collect myself, someone’s voice came from behind the divider. “Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I’ll take care of you in a minute.”  
I froze on the spot. That voice. I knew it. I knew it very well. I’ve been listening to it daily for last few months. Get yourself together, Hyejin-ah. It’s not him. It can’t be him. You’re just in a too much shock.  
“Hi, I’m Lay and in the next twenty minutes I’ll be-” The man came out from behind the divider and as I saw him, my hand instinctively reached out to my face and hid my wide open mouth.  
For a moment I thought I was hallucinating and I didn’t believe what was before my eyes. I had a feeling that if I didn’t pinch myself immediately, I’d believe I’m lying in my own bed, dreaming an unreal and a totally inappropriate dream right now. But this was reality and it was just as harsh as the blow of the fist.  
“Hyejin-ah?!”  
“Professor?!”


	10. Chapter 9

I was not able to recover from it. Although I heard him saying my name as clearly as I saw him before my eyes, I was still hoping that maybe, in a second, I’ll wake up in my bed and I won’t have to face anything of this. I was staring at him, the words I would have liked to say stuck in my throat. He was wearing black leather jeans and a black shirt which was probably meant to be lying on the floor by now, judging from the open buttons. In one hand, he was holding a black blindfold and he was looking at me absolutely shocked and immensely desperate. I thought, no, I knew that if I didn’t get out of here quickly, I’d go insane. I slowly began retreating, reaching for the doorknob behind my back. In this moment the door was not just an exit for me – it symbolized escape and freedom.  
“Hyejin-ah, let me explain.” He made a step towards me and touched my shoulder. With that, he awakened me from a trance. And unfortunately for him, this was a huge mistake.  
“I don’t want to hear anything.” I pushed him away from me, got my shit together and ran out of here wordless.  
“Jung Hyejin!” I heard his voice somewhere behind me, however, my legs carried me further, I didn’t stop.  
My heart was beating fast and I couldn’t breathe properly but that was nothing compared to what was going on in my head and I could ignore it much better than a picture of my half naked professor engraved in my memory. I slowed down a bit behind the corner but still, with an intense and angry pace, I marched to the place where we were sitting with the girls before. Yejin and Sangmi were just chatting over a glass of God knows what. I grabbed all my belongings and without even saying a word, I continued on my way out of here. Away from the madness.  
“Hey! Hyejin-ah, wait, where are you going?” Yejin got up from the settee and went after me.  
Sangmi put some money on the table and followed her. I, however, headed towards the exit. Outside the club, I stopped a taxi and got in, while the girls ran out of the club and managed to stop my taxi.  
“Can you tell me what the hell is going on?” Yejin opened the door and peeked in but I closed it right away and looked at her through the opened window in disgust.  
“I’m leaving first,” I answered gruffly and closed the window. Then I instructed the taxi driver and finally leaned my head back and closed my eyes. We set off and left Yejin and Sangmi behind.  
As soon as I arrived in the hotel room, I changed into something more comfortable. I left the black dress and red high heels which belonged to Sangmi on her bed and then grabbed my suitcase. I quickly packed all of my things and then cleaned the room just a bit. Just when I was trying to close the suitcase, Yejin and Sangmi got into the room.  
“Hyejin-ah, what’s that supposed to mean?” She grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from the suitcase.  
“Don’t you see? I’m going back to Seoul.” I broke away from her grip and got back to what I was doing earlier.  
“You’re going back now? At night? How?” Sangmi intervened into it. She seemed almost sober now.  
“It’s not even that late. I’m taking the last bus.” I finally managed to lock the suitcase so I started putting on my coat which was folded over a chair in the corner.  
“Don’t be absurd! This isn’t the wisest solution – whatever the problem is. Let’s go to sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning, okay? You’ll see it won’t seem so bad after you get some sleep.” Sangmi sat on my bed and tried to comfort me with a rather calm tone.  
“Can you explain what the fuck’s going on? What’s the matter? What have you seen there for fuck’s sake?” Yejin didn’t try to be calm, no, just the opposite. She blew a fuss about it.  
However, I didn’t give a damn at that moment. It was enough to briefly remember about professor Zhang for everything to emerge to the surface in bright colours. And I was not able to get rid of it. I could still see it in front of my eyes so vividly like it was still happening. Like it never ended.  
“Believe me. You don’t wanna hear this.” I grabbed my purse, hung it on my shoulder and took my suitcase. “Girls, I’m sorry.” I quickly left the room, before they could object, and made my way through the hall towards the lift.  
The taxi was still waiting for me in front of the hotel, so I got in and a moment later, I left to catch the last bus to Seoul.

 

***  


Shortly before 5 am, the bus dropped me off at the stop near our house and that means I arrived home very early when everyone was still sound asleep. Nobody noticed me.  
During the almost four-hour bus drive from Gangneung to Seoul, I haven’t picked up ten calls from Yejin and another like seven from Sangmi. Not that I didn’t want to talk to them. I did and I quite possibly needed it but I couldn’t. I knew myself well – all of a sudden I would feel the need to entrust everything to them or I would spill the beans and those are not the options. First, I needed to process it and then forget about it for the rest of my life. But I’m afraid that’s something impossible.  
Once I got into my room, I put aside the suitcase, sat on my soft bed and sighed heavily. I felt tired, almost exhausted and psychically degraded I could say. I lit the lamp on my bedside table and caught a glance of my chemistry notebook lying on it. I recalled everything once again and finally let the emotions flow. I was highly confused, I felt deceived and betrayed and somewhere deep inside, there was a scared little girl, pathetically crying for help and trying to take over me. And the worst thing about it was the dreadful heart pain. The pain from unrequited love and from the disappointment from a beloved person was worse than any other pain I have ever felt. I would rather have my heart stomped on a thousand times, have it ripped out or even pierced through. Anything but not this.  
One stray tear ran down my cheek and fell on my clasped hands in my lap. It was followed by another one and then another. I didn’t try to stop them. I knew it would be useless. Instead of that I laid down on my bed, hugged my huge pillow and let the tears wet it as much as they wished. I basically cried myself to sleep that morning.


	11. Chapter 10

The last few days have resembled hell. I couldn’t relax because of what happened in Gangneung. I wasn’t able to focus on anything and I couldn’t think clear but mainly, I failed to get it out of my head. I could still see it in front of my eyes wherever I went and whatever I did, even after many days. I couldn’t sleep at night for I was afraid of with whom I could meet in my dreams. I haven’t shown up at school for few days since I didn’t have the courage to face him and look him in the eyes. That’s why I pretended to have serious flu and practically locked myself up in my room. But that couldn’t last forever. After a week or so I decided I should probably summon up my courage and finally face this situation.  
The moment I stepped into the bus and sat in my usual place, I started panicking. There is no way back now. The professor is going to get on at the next stop and I won’t be able to avoid this any more. I was really nervous about the meeting. I didn’t have a clue about how I should behave, how should I talk to him and if I should even mention it. But what made me more nervous was that I couldn’t predict his behaviour. I had a terrible stomach ache and all I could do was wait whether I’m going to throw up or not. I constantly bit my nails to engage my mind into something different other than thinking about it because that wouldn’t change a thing. However, my mind was full of it. Overfull.  
And so I waited and waited. I waited for him to appear at the front door and tried to organise my thoughts so we both would survive the argument. But he never came. He didn’t appear that day. As we were leaving the bus stop he always waited at, I watched the empty bench under the plastic roof. I had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I was greatly relieved I didn’t have to go through it but when I focused a little more on my emotions, I found a small drop of disappointment in myself. Somewhere deep inside me, I desperately wanted to see him and make sure it was all just one big misunderstanding.

 

*******   
  


When the chemistry lesson came that day, I stepped into the classroom with a certain inner peace. The fact that professor Zhang didn’t take the bus this morning evidently meant that he didn’t arrive at school for some reason and therefore I expected we would have a substitute professor. At the same time, I also had a slightly lighter heart because I finally talked to Yejin and somehow explained everything to her. The version I have presented to her was a bit modified, of course – I haven’t mentioned anything connected with professor Zhang. I was very careful about that. But the lightness of heart and the peace of mind suddenly vanished when professor Zhang entered the classroom as always, completely balanced and confident, wearing his typical black suit.  
He laid his notes on the desk and lifted his head to the class. The slight smile on his face quickly disappeared when he noticed the person sitting at the desk opposite him. He apparently thought this desk would still be empty today. His eyes searched for mine. We both vigilantly watched each other and the classroom started to fill with an odd tension. The tension was so strong it has been noticed by not only us but everyone else in the room. Everybody started whispering and blabbering, they were stealing glances at us and they definitely knew something was going on.  
“Ahem, I see Hyejin came back after some time. Hyejin-ah, please, study the new topic on your own until the next lesson,” he finally spoke and broke the ice. He then turned his back to the class to write the date and the theme of the lesson on the blackboard.  
“Okay, professor.” I just shyly nodded.  
“Soo...we have already finished the carbohydrate metabolism and the lipid metabolism. The last thing to do is the metabolism of proteins and nucleic acids which seems to be the most interesting for me personally. Pay attention.”  
Professor immediately took over his role and the chalk in his hand started creaking on the blackboard. But I did not have the slightest intention to pay attention. I only focused on the mess in my head and for the first time in my life, chemistry didn’t interest me a bit. There was only one thing I was interested in.  _How can he be so calm? How can he act like nothing’s wrong?_ Like I didn’t see anything. Like I didn’t know he had a double identity. A professor by day, a stripper by night. I was disgusted by his frivolous attitude and by him pretending he’s somebody completely different from who he really is. All of a sudden, I lost my temper and the emotions I have kept hidden for the last few days finally erupted.  
“We already know that we have twenty amino acids – eight of them are essential and humans must get them out of food. The remaining twelve are called non-essential and our organism can synthesise them by converting other amino acids.” Professor Zhang turned to the class to make sure there weren’t any questions.  
I was quite interested in this information. I raised my hand and armoured myself internally because I was just about to start a battle.  
“Yes, Hyejin-ah?”  
“If I understand it right, professor, the thing that happens is that one amino acid acts like a completely different amino acid. Is that right?” I put my hand back down and leaned back in my chair.  
“You understand it perfectly fine, Hyejin-ah. Why are you asking?” He sat on his desk and crossed his arms onhis chest.  
“It’s just that it kinda fascinates and shocks me at the same time. Because of what reason the particular amino acid acts like a different one? Like it is something else when really it is not?” I spoke with a bit contemptuous tone and looked right into his eyes. I looked deeply and searched for the answer to what interested me so much.  
“Maybe it’s because, under certain conditions, it may be beneficial – for both the amino acid and the organism.” Professor got up from the desk and took a step closer to my desk to me.  
The tone of his voice resembled mine. It was offensive but defensive at the same time. I knew he was conscious of what was going on right now. That right now, we weren’t talking about amino acids and chemistry in general. That right now, because of what happened, there was a conflict between us two.  
“What is so beneficial about humiliating yourself like that and then pretending that nothing happened?!” I raised my voice at him and the whole class went silent.  
Professor Zhang stayed staring at me with his eyes wide open and with a horrified expression. I didn’t take my eyes off of him while wheezing angrily. And the rest of the class observed this whole thing until the bell rang. The professor relaxed visibly before he dismissed the whole class. As I couldn’t endure any other minute with him in the same room, I started packing my things to be able to get away. I set out to leave but his voice stopped me.  
“Jung Hyejin! Not you. You’re going with me. Now.”


	12. Chapter 11

The professor grabbed my hand and literally dragged me into his office. He closed the door behind us, threw me on the leather couch, leaned his hands against his desk nearby and sighed heavily. He then turned around, took off his black jacket and hurled it on the desk. He sat down on it, his fingers running through his hair.  
“What the hell was that supposed to mean? Do you know what you have almost done?!”  
He was scary. His chest was moving at irregular intervals, his pupils widened and drops of sweat were strewn all over his forehead – all that as a result of an unbearable rage. However, he wasn’t the only one to whom the rage along with boiling blood was flowing through the veins.  
“If you thought I would act like nothing’s wrong, then you were mistaken, professor. What has been seen cannot be unseen. Things like that cannot be easily forgotten. I’m not capable of simply ignoring it and acting like everything’s okay because it’s not. Nothing’s okay!” I got up from the couch and stood right before him, lips drawn to a narrow line and arms crossed on my chest in a defensive gesture. I was quite angry.  
“Huh? Have I heard well?” He didn’t even try to hide his surprise over my behaviour - quite the opposite. His jaw dropped down in amazement and his eyes flew from side to side.  
“Yeah, yes you did, professor. You have heard perfectly. You know, I respected you. I respected the things you did, I looked up to you, I liked you...and not just that. But you have disappointed me fatally, professor. I always thought you were an innocent, charismatic and decent man and while I was day dreaming, you were shaking your ass in strip clubs overnight!” I shouted at him, my hands clenched into fists.  
I completely forgot about the limits. He immediately rushed over to me, approached me at millimetres and used one of his hands to clutch my mouth. He looked upon me from his spot, his face dangerously close to mine. I could feel his hot breath on the skin of my neck. My heartbeat went crazy.  
“Are you insane, Hyejin-ah?!” He bit down on his lower lip and puckered his brows a bit.  
I swallowed. But I had to get my senses back. This was not the situation for me to dream and let my fantasies carry me away. I pushed him away from me and took a deep breath.  
“I’m sorry, professor, but what you do is not right. I’m afraid I’ll have no other choice than report you to the University Commission,” I said, short of breath.  
I couldn’t believe that I said it. That those words left my lips so easily. _Would I really be able to go there and accuse him of this in front of the University Commission? Would I really be able to scupper him so simply?_  
As soon as he realised what I just have said, his eyes lit up like they would if he was a predator, watching his prey closely, intending to tear it to pieces in the next seconds. He made one step towards me and his expression scared me to death.  
“Don’t even think of that. I’m serious. Say a word, to anybody, and you’re screwed. I won’t take you into account so you better shut your mouth, lock it and threw the key away. Far away.”  
“Why would I do that?” I said in a shaking voice.  
I kept on defending myself despite the fact that I already knew that this battle was lost. Firstly, although I didn’t want to admit it, I was a little afraid of him. Secondly, somewhere deep inside, I knew that I wouldn’t be capable of telling it on him. Even though I hated him so much right now, I still loved him and I sensed that I could get over it. One time.  
“There’s a simple answer to that. I’m going to the bottom, you’re going with me. I’ll drag you down with me, no mercy. Then you can forget about this and any other university. I’ll make sure you’re never going to finish your studies. That’s why it’s important to keep this secret just between us two.” He took his jacket from the desk and put it back on. “Now, if you can excuse me, I’ll be leaving first.” He set out to leave but I wanted to ask him one last question.  
“Professor.” I shouted out loud and when the sound of his footsteps stopped, I turned around.  
“What?” He answered but didn’t turn around.  
“What’s the reason for you to be doing this?” My eyes welled up with tears which ran down my cheeks and fell down on my pure white blouse.  
For a millisecond, possibly a whole second, he looked over his shoulder at me but then he turned away and left without saying a word. He left me there, literally braising in my own juice.

 

 *******  


I felt weird for the rest of the day. During the lessons I just stared into nothing and during the breaks I walked through the school halls like a body with no soul. Yejin correctly estimated she should keep her mouth shut and didn’t ask me any questions. She managed to hold back for almost the whole day. However, she could no longer endure it while we were eating our lunch in the school cafeteria.  
“Hyejin-ah?” She started carefully.  
“Hm?” I murmured.  
“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but what’s going on with you? Is it somehow related to what happened during the chemistry lesson?” she asked and put her chopsticks down.  
I hesitated for a while but then I judged I could tell her at least this. “Yes, Yejin-ah, it is.”  
“How? What was it about? You two had an argument or what?” she asked curiously and leaned closer to me.  
I wanted to tell her everything so bad. I wanted to ask for help, for advice, but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t able to do it. Even though I really wanted to, I couldn’t untie my tongue. I haven’t promised anything to him but I still felt a certain obligation.  
“Something like that but it’s not anything you should worry about. We talked things out.”  
“Okay, but what did he say to you in his office? Was he mean to you? Did he scream at you?” she asked and I could see the worries in her eyes.  
“No, not at all. We explained everything to each other and that was it,” I lied. I did it because I wanted to calm her down. But the thing is that I’m not good at lying. I have never been.  
“Fine, I won’t dig deeper into this. But you’re being weird lately, Hyejin-ah. A lot of mysteries and problems is revolving around you. At first, you collapsed, then the weekend in Gangneung and now this,” she noted and looked at me quite suspiciously.  
“Can we change the subject of our conversation?” I smiled at her and pretended that everything’s okay. But it was a bit scary how fast she connected all the things together.


	13. Chapter 12

There was another bus ride to school awaiting me today. I was much more nervous today because of the argument with the professor and honestly, I wished he wouldn’t appear. I turned to all the gods in the heavens and begged them to hear my prayers. I did not allow myself to disconnect my sweaty hands, I kept them spasmodically clasped in my lap, constantly hypnotizing the front door with my eyes. There was not a day I’d want to avoid his company as much as I wanted it today. I didn’t want to talk with him. Not today. Not now. Not after what happened yesterday. I needed time. However, I didn’t get any.  
When I caught sight of him at the front door, trying to find my eyes and figure out in what mood I was, I knew this was unavoidable. Not even a bit. I knew I was going to have to endure the conversation although I didn’t want to at any price. I watched him put one foot after another intentionally slow, taking his time getting to me and halting half of the people in the bus who would have liked to move somewhere. Holding my breath, I waited for what was going to happen – whether he’s going to sit next to me or he’s just going to pass me by and leave me thinking about what I do wrong with my life that I have to face these kinds of situations. But as soon as he reached the free seat next to me, he stopped and turned to me. I avoided looking into his eyes for one single reason – I didn’t have a clue about what it would do to me. The intensity of the whole situation constantly played with my nerves and didn’t let me relax a bit. I was literally dying. It was just a moment but it was the longest moment I have ever experienced. It seemed like an eternity. And with every other second, I felt sicker and sicker.  
Then the seat next to me sagged beneath his weight and it all seemed so familiar, as in the old days. For a millisecond, I forgot about the thing that made our coexistence on this planet impossible. I thought it was one of those completely usual days when the professor just sat next to me and we talked on our way to school where we would meet again at the completely usual chemistry class. But there was nothing usual about it. As I saw his haggard face, the bags under his brown eyes from a restless night and the worried expression, I realised how unusual this situation was.  
“Let’s talk, Hyejin-ah.”  
“There’s nothing to talk about, professor,” I said, looking ahead rather than looking at him.  
There was actually a lot to talk about but we could talk all day long and we wouldn’t solve a thing. For some reason, it seemed like there couldn’t possibly be a way out of this. Furthermore, I didn’t even have the courage to talk about it.  
“So then, just listen to me, okay?” he suggested. I nodded so he continued. “Yesterday... I... I was a bit too harsh on you and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I thought about it all night and I came to a conclusion I made a huge mistake. I apologise for that. I was just mad and I didn’t think straight. However, the thing we agreed on, the promise we made, it’s still valid, okay? No one can know about me and what I do. A secret has to stay a secret, you know that, right?”  
I could feel his eyes on me. I knew his eyes were begging me just as much as he begged me with his words. And I was aware of the fact that those eyes were the biggest weakness of mine. That’s why I kept avoiding them.  
“I don’t remember promising you anything, professor.”  
“Hyejin-ah!” he raised his voice at me a bit more than he originally intended and all the heads in the bus gradually began to turn in our direction. He looked around and then leaned closer to me. “I need you to cooperate, Hyejin-ah,” he whispered almost into my ear and shuddered with my shoulder.  
 _Have I had any other option than surrender at this moment?_ No, I haven’t. At least I didn’t know about one.  
“Don’t worry, okay? I won’t tell anyone. I don’t want to ruin anybody’s life,” I snapped at him in affection and turned my sight to him, not realising what a huge mistake it was.  
It was immediately visible on his face how he relaxed in release when the huge load fell off his shoulders. His chocolate brown eyes brightened up and a small smile decorated his face. His hand finally came off of my shoulder but its absence instantly hit me. I tried not to make it obvious and waited for what he’s going to do. But instead of putting his hand back into his lap, how I expected, he suddenly wrapped his hand around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. My heart skipped a beat.  
“I knew you wouldn’t let me down.” He used his other hand to fluff my hair and tap my head. He then pulled away from me.  
I don’t remember exactly how long it lasted before I could take a breath and answer him because my brain stopped working for a moment. It was something like a restart – you know, like when your computer just isn’t able to manage it any more so it turns itself off in order to recuperate and then it simply turns itself back on. The shock from an unexpected physical contact caused me one of these restarts. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to communicate or do anything for quite a while.  
“I’ll respect your wish and keep your secret, professor, but that doesn’t mean I agree with it. I don’t like it and I think you should stop doing it. Or, at least, reconsider it, for the sake of your future,” I finally said and turned my sight away from him.  
He just laughed softly and left my note without a comment. We arrived at schoolin a few minutes and quickly got off the bus in which it was slowly becoming impossible to breathe because of the atmosphere.  
Outside the bus, the professor stood in my way and fixed his outfit a bit. He was wearing very simple clothes today – too much simple for his style. He pulled his blue jeans up a bit and zipped his black jacket all the way up to his chin, hiding his not-so-ordinary white T-shirt, because, at that time, winter and her cold hands were able to reach anyone.  
“Your first lesson today is a chemistry class, isn’t it?” His hands dove deep down into his pockets. I nodded since I had no words, let alone sentences, to give away. “Great, let’s go together, shall we?” He made a step towards the entrance and when he made sure I will safely follow him, he set off on a rather short journey.  
The whole time I went slowly behind him, eyes glued to his back, thinking about what I got tangled up with. I was not the first and probably not even the last student to fell in love with her professor but I was certainly the first and the last student to know a secret of such an extent that she unconsciously got herself trapped in a trap she could no longer escape.


	14. Chapter 13

The sound of the bell ringing spread loudly in the classroom.  
“Guys, stay seated for a moment!” professor ordered before the class could run away. I listened to him and stayed in my place, impatiently waiting for what he had to say.  
Several days have passed since the incident and it seemed like the atmosphere between me and professor Zhang has gone back to normal. However, every time the professor opened his mouth to speak, I was still vigilant and nervous about what he will say. You never know, especially when you’re a little paranoid.  
“Quiet, please! The sooner I tell you the sooner you can get out of here,” he broke the noise in the classroom, offering us a vision of freedom. Everybody calmed down and started paying attention to him. “Good, thank you. I’d like to just quickly mention the Chemistry Olympiad which is going to take place in the next few weeks. There are quite a few gifted students in this class so I wanted to offer this opportunity to you. If you’re interested, you can try it and sign up for it.” He took off his glasses and sat on the desk, his typical black suit stretching on him. The quiet he previously asked for was now making him visibly anxious. None of the hands in this classroom was lifted. “If you’re afraid that you don’t have enough knowledge and that you wouldn’t be able to solve the tasks, don’t worry about it. I’m willing to help anyone interested. We can solve different types of tasks and together, we will prepare for the school round of the Olympiad. If everything goes right, after a few rounds, you could even get into the national competition. Is there anyone interested?”  
I looked around the class inconspicuously. There were some individuals who weren’t even trying to think about it. Others maybe thought about it for a while but then shook their heads and left the idea of the Olympiad anyway. There were no lifted hands, again. I turned my sight back to the front and thought about it for just a moment. I was sure I wouldn’t have any problems with passing all the rounds and getting into the national competition. A mention of participation in the national round of the chemistry Olympiad, eventually a win, would definitely make my resume look a lot better in the future. Besides that, it was an opportunity to spend a little more time alone with the professor. My hand pierced through the air before I could even think about it properly. I noticed professor’s expression and I was able to read it – it confused him. But he quickly recovered.  
“O-okay, Hyejin-ah, I’m glad there’s at least one student who would like to try it,” he said and smiled briefly so I laid my hand back on my desk. “Later we can arrange regular meetings because of the preparations. Actually...are you free today after school?”  
“Yes, I am,” I answered and nodded.  
“Great. When you’re done with school, wait for me in my office.” He clapped his hands. “All right then, you’re dismissed.” He put his glasses back on and headed into his office.  
I headed to another lesson.

 

 *******  


I waited for him in his office, as we agreed. I was sitting on that brown couch, nervously drumming my fingers on the leather covering it. Slowly, I started regretting the decision I made. There’s no way I was thinking straight, otherwise, I would never agree with this idea. Before he arrived, I checked on how I looked. I fluffed my black hair, including my fringe, I fixed my simple and natural make-up and last but not least, I smoothed out any creases on my clothes to look presentable. Today I was wearing a black long-sleeved turtle-neck, a brown plaid skirt with black nylons and high black boots with a decent heel that Yejin has helped me to choose recently. Although I realised how silly and ridiculous I was, I couldn’t help it. I had to at least have a feeling that I looked good, to remain peaceful.  
When the door opened, I quickly leaned backwards, trying to look as natural as possible, even though I was so nervous I thought I would go blind. A second later he appeared at the door, a cup of coffee in his hand and his jacket folded over his arm.  
“Ah, Hyejin-ah, you’re here already. Sit at the desk.” He gestured with his head and sat at the desk himself. He took a sip of his coffee and took out his diary. “First, we should agree on when we will have time to meet. What about every Tuesday and Thursday from 4 pm? Is that okay with you?” He looked at me from under his glasses.  
“Yeah, I’m okay with that.” I nodded and tucked some of my hair behind my ear.  
“Fine, let’s get to it. I prepared some of the tasks from previous years. It would be good if you looked at them. I realise that some of these are quite under your level but I’ve marked those you should try to solve.” He stood up from his seat and put a huge pile of papers in front of me.  
I looked at him in horror. “I have to go through all this?”  
“Don’t freak out.” He laughed. “You have a whole week, just begin today. In the meantime, I’ll be correcting the tests, if you don’t mind. Tell me if you need anything.” He sat back into his seat and embarked on his work.  
I borrowed one of his pens and started reading through the first few papers. Just one look at it and I knew there wouldn’t be absolutely any problem with it. Every time I reached one of the marked tasks, I read it carefully and then solved it effortlessly. With the other tasks, I just tried to notice what type they were to know what I can expect in this year’s Olympiad. But after a while, I came across a task that couldn’t be solved without reference tables. And I didn’t have them.  
“Professor?” I hesitantly addressed him.  
“Hm? You need anything?” He looked up from his work and smiled at me.  
“Do you have reference tables? I left mine at home.”  
“Yeah, sure I do. They’re here, up in that shelf,” he pointed at the top shelf of the bookcase. “But be careful, that bookcase is not the most stable.” He then lowered his head back to his work.  
I stood up from my seat and focused my sight on the top shelf. Really, the reference tables I needed so much were there. But they were a bit too high up for me. I stepped on the lowest shelf and stretched out my hand, trying to reach for them. The bookcase wobbled a little and all of a sudden, I heard the sound of a chair scrubbing the floor as the professor quickly stood up from his desk. He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me into his arms. He held me tight and covered my head with his palm. A huge stack of heavy books had scrambled to the ground right next to us. It scared me so much I stayed hidden in professor’s arms, breathing heavily on his chest and trying to calm myself down. If he hadn’t intervened so promptly, all of this could have fallen on my head and sent me into deep unconsciousness.  
“Oh my God, Hyejin-ah, are you okay?” He pulled away from me barely to the length of his arms, checking if I was all right.  
“Nothing happened to me, professor,” I answered quietly, half-still in the professor’s arms.  
He relaxed visibly and closed his eyes for a moment. His grip on my arms didn’t weaken, he kept me in his close proximity and did not dare to let me go.  
“Were you even listening to me when I told you to be careful? Do you realise what could have happened to you? God, just imagine it...” He was looking right into my eyes and he may have been a little angry, but he spoke quietly and calmly.  
In that moment, I was not capable of answering him. I didn’t have the strength to open my mouth. I just stared into those chocolate brown eyes, from a proximity I have never dreamed of and I used all my will to try to ignore the creeps running all over my body and especially those places he touched with his soft hands. My gaze automatically slipped down, on his lips. Looking at his full and red lips, I had to swallow. At that moment I would have given up everything for his lips to touch mine and press against them, finally kissing me after such a long time. He made my dopamine levels go all silly. However, the reality had to strike.  
In the end, the professor loosened his grip, he pulled away from me and then let go of me. He blinked a few times and then took a deep breath before he turned away from me and went back to his desk.  
“I think that’s enough for today.”  
I gazed at him the last time and then shuddered. The mess on the floor caught my attention so I looked down on the heap of books, lying there because of me. _Before I disappear, I should at least tidy this up_. I bent down and started collecting the books to put them back on the shelf. Professor hurried over to me, knelt down next to me and reached for one of the books. While doing so, he coincidentally touched my hand. The moment his skin brushed against mine, an electrifying feeling spread through my body. I quickly pulled my hand away in a defensive gesture.  
“Don’t worry about it and just go home, Hyejin-ah. I’ll clean this up,” he spoke reservedly while taking the first pile of books in his hands.  
He left to put them on his table and handed the papers with tasks over to me. “Go through these. See you next time.”  
“Okay. Have a good day, professor.” I took the papers from him, put my bag on my shoulders and left his office.


	15. Chapter 14

“What about the chemistry Olympiad? How’s it going? There’s not much time left, is it?” Yejin turned her head towards me, her blond hair swinging a little.  
“Yeah, we’re kinda low on time but we’re doing great, actually. I think I’ll be decently prepared.” I didn’t forget to praise myself.  
We were in a hurry for another class while having a completely normal conversation about practically nothing which was good for me. I needed something normal. Because lately, nothing has been normal around me. There has been just drama. Just secrets. Problems. And another one of those problems was that this normal conversation with Yejin was about to turn into another drama with Song Hayoon.  
Suddenly, someone pushed me from behind and caught me fully out of guard. It reminded me of one similar situation I experienced not that long ago. As I regained my balance, I turned around to face the enemy. It could not have been anyone else than Song Hayoon, the mean red-haired bitch full of hatred.  
“Hey, Song Hayoon, got nothing else to do other than pushing me just for fun? Is creating conflicts – particularly with me - your only entertainment? Lemme guess what comes next. You’re going to threaten me, am I right? What is it this time?” I snapped at her.  
I have come to the conclusion that backing off is a rule that does not apply in her world. She’s twisted and when there’s something not to her liking, she goes after you no matter what. At that moment, I had to defend myself in every way.  
“I’ve warned you a dozen times.” She stood opposite me, hands crossed on her chest, scrutinising me with her evil eyes. I slowly ran my eyes over her head to her toes and then looked back at her frowning face.  
“About what?”  
“About professor Zhang. I’ve been seeing you around him a little too much lately. You better quit it.” She took a step towards me and pointed her finger at me.  
“Quit what? What are you talking about? Am I supposed to stop coming to his classes or what?” I copied her and crossed my hands on my chest as a gesture of defence.  
“Oh how well I know the reason you signed up for that stupid Olympiad – to seduce him while you’re alone in his office,” she whispered like it was something illegal to say.  
“I can’t help myself thinking that this sounds much more like the reason why you would sign up for that Olympiad, Hayoon-ah.” This time I was the one who took a step closer, driven by the rage this person has never failed to arouse in me.  
“Isn’t that enough?” Yejin whispered into my ear because she noticed the way we were looking at each other.  
However, this has already come too far, obviously. Hayoon interrupted Yejin and pushed her away from me. She was bloody mad.  
“What did you say?” In the affection, she reached out to my shoulder and pushed me but didn’t really estimated the strength she used.  
I completely lost my balance, twisted around and as I fell on the lockers behind me, I hit my head. I stayed lying on the ground in pain.  
“Jung Hyejin!” Professor Zhang, who was accidentally standing near us, rushed over to me and knelt down right beside me. He grabbed my shoulders and shook my body gently.  
“Hyejin-ah, are you okay? Nothing happened, right?”  
“I’m all right, professor.” I touched the place where I hit my head and when I looked at my hand, covered in dark blood, it scared me a bit. And the professor noticed, too.  
“No, you’re not. You’re bleeding! Show me.” He brushed my hair away from my forehead to look at the injury. Then he turned to Hayoon who was watching the whole thing with a false expression of innocence. “Hayoon-ah, I noticed – and I bet I’m not the only one – that lately you’ve been focusing your attention on Hyejin. I’m not sure what she did to you but violence is not the solution. If you don’t stop it immediately, I’ll present this as a bullying case to the head teacher!” He didn’t try to hold back, he was fed up with her, just as much as I was. And he made it clear. “Go back to your classroom this instant!” He said and darted his eyes into her. She just stared at him offended. “I said now!” He yelled at her and everyone around stopped what they were doing to look at us – if they hadn’t been looking at us already.  
Even Hayoon didn’t try to hide her rage. The man because of whom this conflict originally arose didn’t side with her but with me. He stood up for me, not for her. And that made her lose it. She marched away grimly without speaking to anyone.  
“Come on, Hyejin-ah, I’ll help you get up.” Professor supported me and help me got up on my feet. He picked my things up from the ground and then turned to Yejin. “Kang Yejin, please, go talk to the professor and excuse Hyejin from the following class. She needs some treatment.”  
Yejin nodded in confusion and walked away to go talk with the biology professor. I, dependent on professor’s arms firmly holding me because my head was spinning, walked all the way into his office. I sat down on that leather couch while he opened the drawer in his desk and took out a small emergency kit. He then sat down next to me and started treating the wound on my forehead.  
“It looks like it won’t need stitches. I’ll just put some ointment on it and then I’ll cover it with a plaster.”  
He started with some disinfection which he cautiously spread on the wound. He was careful, gentle and he tried not to make it hurt. He was very concentrated, eyes nearly closed and biting down on his lips. I watched him quietly with interest.  
“What was the matter anyway?” he asked and put some healing ointment on the wound.  
“Nothing to worry about, professor. Hayoon fights with everybody about everything.” I smiled shyly and secretly enjoyed his tender care.  
“Still...it’s strange,” he said just by the way.  
“What?”  
“I know you for only a short time but you have always seemed like a calm, easy-going and very devoted student.” He finished treating my wound and carefully covered it with a big plaster. “But these days there are more problems around you than normal. What has changed? What’s different? I’m really curious about that.” He laughed softly, apparently making fun of it.  
“It’s because these days, I’m becoming more and more involved with you, professor.”  
He stayed staring at me, eyes wide open and his lower lip trapped between his teeth as if he didn’t understand a word I said. He may have thought I was joking as well as he was but that was not the case. Everything I said was true and I was absolutely honest about it.  
A little later, when he finally collected himself, his expression grew serious. “You’re right about that. Now that I think about it, a lot has changed, actually.”


	16. Chapter 15

The time went by as fast as ever. Before I could get used to meeting the professor twice a week in his office to diligently prepare for the Olympiad and thus spending so much time alone with him, everything was gone. _Time really flies so fast.  
_ While I successfully and seamlessly passed all the rounds of the Olympiad, March came – specifically its second half – and the weather started to get a bit warmer. The sun recovered from its winter sleep, all the snow and ice melted and the first spring flowers began to bloom. Winter turned into spring very suddenly. But the most important thing for me was that I got into the national competition and I was waiting for the official results to come out.  
“It’s already two minutes past four. The results should have been up already!” Professor kept on angrily clicking the mouse to refresh the website, hoping the results will miraculously appear.  
“Let’s be patient, professor, I’m sure it will come out anytime soon. Maybe calm down a bit?”  
I was the one who should have been nervous but I had a feeling like that was not the case. I was sitting right next to him, watching the laptop screen but it did absolutely nothing to me, in comparison with his close proximity.  
“Finally!” he shouted out loud and nearly jumped on his chair when the chart of this year’s results appeared on the screen.  
We both darted our eyes into the laptop’s screen and embarked on finding my name in the chart. We naturally began with the lowest places - the respect from my opponents coming from all over the country didn’t let us expect miracles. As we looked through almost all the names, we slowly gave up believing. Actually, I have already given up somewhere in the middle. I may have been good at chemistry, really good, but I just didn’t trust myself enough to expect me to make it to the top when there were many people just as good as me, maybe even better. However, the professor continued looking. He checked name by name until he reached the very top.  
A surprised scream left his lips. “Oh my freaking God!”  
“What? What is it, professor?” I leaned closer to him.  
“Your name. It’s there.” He was in a shock. He took off his glasses and put them on the desk.  
“Where?”  
Surprised, I stared at the screen and followed his finger which navigated me. And then I saw it.  
 _Jung Hye Jin, 1997, SNU.  
_ Undoubtedly, it was me. In the second place. _Second place? Among the best people from the whole nation? Really?_ Although didn’t think it was true at first, it was. I felt like I was going to faint. It was just really hard for me to believe it. Out of all the people, all the talented students, it was me, Jung Hyejin, most of my life the absolute zero, who ranked second. I turned my sight to the professor.  
“I did it, professor. I did it.” Honestly, I was tearing up a bit. I felt like crying but in the end, I wasn’t able to focus on the tears.  
His arms tightly wrapped around my body, pressed me against his chest and didn’t allow me to move. For a moment, just a little while, I wasn’t able to realise what was going on. But only until I wrapped my arms around his body, too. I buried my face in his jacket and breathed in his scent. I perceived the temperature of his body, I listened to his heartbeat and soon enough, our heartbeats adjusted to one another. I have been waiting for this for so long. But it passed much too quickly.  
“Yes, you did. You did and I knew you would, Hyejin-ah.” He pulled away from me with a smile on his lips and even in his eyes. “So...we should celebrate it, shouldn’t we? A dinner - what do you say?”

 

 *******  


“Professor Zhang?” I broke the silence in the car. We were just on our way to a restaurant.  
“Yes, Hyejin-ah?” He paid attention to me but didn’t turn his sight away from the road.  
“I’ve wanted to thank you. You know, for everything. You did a lot for me.”  
“That’s a given. It was nothing, really, just the least I could do for you in exchange for what you do for me. Above that, I liked helping you,” he said in a soft voice.  
“I’m serious. There’s no way I could’ve done it without you and I am so, so grateful to you.” I lowered my eyes even though I knew he wasn’t looking at me.  
“Listen to me, Hyejin-ah. You would have done it even without me, I’m sure of it. It’s your success, it was you who did it and I’m not thinking of taking any credit for it. You have to believe in yourself more because you’re a young, pretty and extremely gifted student who can do anything she wants. As long as she tries like she had been trying up until now.”  
I looked up from my shaking hands and turned my eyes to him. His eyes were still glued to the road in front of him but the smile on his face was unmissable.  
“Do you seriously think so, professor?”  
“I don’t think so, Hyejin-ah, I know it. In the last couple of months, you’ve opened my eyes a lot. Like no one ever did before.” For a little moment, really for the slightest, he looked at me and gave me another smile of his before he turned his attention back to the traffic.  
In a few minutes, we arrived at the restaurant where we were headed. The rest of the way was quiet and peaceful. Unlike the following dinner.  
“What can I get you?”  
The waitress appeared at our table almost immediately.  
“I’ll have pork ribs with a bowl of rice. For a drink, I’d like still water. That’s all for me.”  
The professor ordered for himself because he knew exactly what he wanted. But I had no clue what to get. I wasn’t even sure if I was hungry. Anyway, both – the hunger and the appetite – were about to disappear in the next few seconds.  
“And for your girlfriend?” she asked innocently, not knowing what she had caused.  
We both, me and the professor, stayed staring at each other, not capable of saying a single word. I could literally feel the blood flowing in my veins all the way up to my cheeks and my throat drying out to the last drop. This moment of awkward silence seemed endless and the professor was able to break it only after quite a while.  
“But we’re not...she is not my girlfriend.”  
I knew this fact very well but still, his words hurt me. Deeply.  
“What a shame! You’d look very cute together. So, what do you want, agasshi?” The waitress acted like nothing happened.  
“I’ll just have vegetable salad and still water for a drink. Thank you.”  
“Sure.” She smiled at us and disappeared.  
None of us seemed to have the strength to joke about this. We just ate our meals quietly but the atmosphere between us wasn’t relaxed at all. It was full of tension and heavy, suffocating air. I was wondering what he was thinking right now since he was so silent, almost speechless. The professor I have known would turn this embarrassing situation into a very funny one, still laughing at it an hour later. But this time, he was as silent as the grave. He basically didn’t even look at me. I just knew he had something on his mind and the desire to know his thoughts were so strong it was literally eating my brain away.  
As it was quite late and the darkness has already laid over the city, the professor took me home after the dinner. When the car stopped in front of our house, he got off and walked around the car hastily to open the car door for me and help me get out.  
“Thank you for the dinner, professor. I appreciate it,” I said quietly. Nights in March still weren’t warm at all. My coat didn’t feel like enough clothing at that moment.  
“Forget it, Hyejin-ah! I’m glad you accepted my invitation even though the dinner didn’t quite go as planned.” His hands were deep down in his pockets and his eyes were clinging to the ground, almost as if he didn’t dare to look me in the eyes.  
“Don’t worry about that, professor, really. I enjoyed it. Just like always when I’m with you,” I let the words slip out of my mouth, not even realising it.  
He finally looked up at me, searched for my eyes and stared into them. I really wanted to look away but I just couldn’t do it. It was like I had to look into his eyes no matter what. It felt like he didn’t want me to look away, like he wanted me to look right into his eyes to be able to see what he was going to do. Without noticing it, we began to get closer. Much more than two people in a professor-student relationship should get. With every millimetre our lips approached, our desire grew. The desire to touch the other. The desire to kiss the other. The desire to break the ice for good. I closed my eyes and waited for it. I waited for the thing I dreamed of for so long or thought about on sleepless nights to come true. I could hear my own heart beat crazily.  
“Hyejin-ah!”  
My mom’s voice came from somewhere behind us. We instinctively moved from one another.  
“Hi, mom.”  
“Good evening, Mrs Jung.”  
“Mom, I’m sure you remember professor Zhang. He’s the one who helped me with the preparations for the Olympiad,” I introduced him to my mom when she came to us from the door.  
“Good evening, professor Zhang. We are very grateful you have helped our Hyejin to such success.” They both shook hands and exchanged little smiles.  
“Your daughter is really talented, there were no problems. Congratulations to you once more, Hyejin-ah!”  
“Thanks, professor.” I bowed to him and pulled my coat closer to my body even though I felt terribly hot right now.  
“Excuse me but I’ll be leaving first. It’s getting really dark. Have a nice evening!” He said goodbye to us, got into his car and soon disappeared into the darkness.  
I disappeared into my room. I locked myself up in there just a few minutes after he left and I wasn’t planning on leaving my room for the next few hours. There was a lot to think about. In the end, I thought about so many things for so long I stayed up all night.


	17. Chapter 16

I swear, if I slept for just one minute, it would be enough. Even the one short minute would be better than absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, there was no time for sleep since my alarm has started beeping loudly, apparently in order to make me go insane. But I guess I already am insane, not sleeping at night and thinking about what almost happened yesterday the whole time.  
I touched the cold ground with my feet and climbed out from my bed unwillingly. When I caught a glance of myself in the mirror, I realised I got up from the bed just as I got into it yesterday – still dressed and with make-up on, just a little more tired and destroyed. I needed to collect myself a bit so I decided to take a shower. A really cold one. It didn’t even take much time, I literally just stood under the stream of freezing cold water for two minutes straight and then got out. In order to make myself look a little less tired, I used a bunch of different creams and lotions, trying to get rid of my swollen face, lips and under eye bags. I also used much more make-up than I normally would. Then I just blow-dried my hair and put on some simple but elegant looking clothes.  
I looked at myself in the mirror once more. But this time, I saw someone completely different from a while ago. It looked more like me again - my face was no longer swollen, my hair was freshly washed and thus shiny and silky smooth and the black jeans in combination with the navy blue shirt made me look a like person ready to go out. I added dark blue heels and purse to go with the shirt and I put on a black trench coat. Now I was really ready. But on the inside, I still felt pretty brain fried.  
I passed through the house almost unnoticed. I skipped breakfast because my stomach categorically disagreed this morning. But as soon as I got out of the house, it made feel a little better. This morning was a great opportunity to take a walk, breathe some fresh air, organise my thoughts and clear my head a bit. Therefore, I decided to walk on my own feet to school. Without intending it, my consciousness slipped to thoughts about him again. I imagined his close proximity, the one I felt so fatally yesterday. The image of his lips, rendered in my memory, kept coming back. A little would be enough and I could have felt them pressed against mine. Taste them. After a really long time, I finally felt the need to sort it out. To make a step forward, escape the world of mere imaginations and turn my fantasies into reality. And I thought about the most spontaneous and the dumbest thing in my life.

 

 *******  


At the end of the day, when I was done with all of my classes, I ended up in front of the door to his office. I raised my hand up but just before it landed on the wooden surface, I froze in motion. It took me a while to decide whether I should do it or not. I summoned up all the courage I had left and tried to make my limbs listen to me. I finally forced myself to move and knock on his door. I waited for the slightest moment and then peeked into his office.  
“Professor, can I go in?” I waited for his answer. He looked up fromcorrecting the tests.  
“Oh hello, Hyejin-ah. Sure, come on in.”  
He took off his glasses, put them on the desk and got up from his chair. I entered his office and closed the door behind me. I held my purse on my shoulder, nervously biting my lower lip. Then I took a deep breath and dove into the dangerous waters.  
“I came here to thank you, professor. For the Olympiad and for the dinner.”  
“When are you going to stop thanking me, Hyejin-ah? You’ve already thanked me like a thousand times,” he laughed softly before continuing. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to.”  
He behaved friendly but he seemed much more reserved and colder than yesterday. But that didn’t stop me from doing what I came here for. This might be the last pinch of my courage and that’s why I’m going to make it to the very end.  
“Professor, about yesterday...”  
“Hyejin-ah, wait. We need to make things clear. Nothing happened yesterday. And that’s why you should really forget about it.”  
He scratched the back of his head and then leaned against the desk, his hands hidden in the pockets of his black trousers. His behaviour was overly confusing – _yesterday he was not far from kissing me and now he wants me to forget everything?_ I was definitely not prepared for this. I looked straight into his eyes.  
“But I want to talk about it, professor. If there was absolutely no reason for us to do it, nothing would happen at all. But something did happen...almost. What I’m trying to say is...” I paused for a little. This happens when you don’t think of the consequences. But there’s no turning back now. “What I’m trying to say is that it’s already been a while now and I just cannot get you out of my head, professor.”  
That’s it. It has been spoken. I imagined it so many times, that one day, I’ll be standing in front of him, looking straight into his eyes and I’ll tell him everything but I never thought it would actually happen. I don’t know what happened to me but I must confess my shoulders felt much lighter afterwards. However, professor Zhang’s reaction has loaded my shoulders with a weight much heavier than they have been used to carrying so far.  
“You should get rid of those feelings as fast as possible, Hyejin-ah. It’s the best you can do, trust me.”  
He took his hands out of the pockets and used them to push off the table, then he turned his back to me a headedin the direction of his chair. I made a step towards him, grabbed his forearm and forced him to stop moving.  
“And why would I do that? You wanted to kiss me, too. I know it. So why are you trying to resist it?”  
He slowly turned to face me, looking down into my brown eyes. “Stay away from me, Hyejin-ah. I’m not a person you can get close to...you know that. I’m not the man for you.”  
He didn’t look away. He kept looking deep into my eyes to make sure I take his words seriously, but… You know, when two people share something as intimate as a secret no one else knows about, surely enough, it will bring them together. At first, only a small, insignificant tension will start to arise between them, but then it will grow bigger with time until it eventually bursts.  
“Who’s the man for me – I think I have the right to decide that for myself.”  
I forgot about all of my barriers, grabbed him by his tie to be able to pull him closer to me and then I pressed my lips against his.


	18. Chapter 17

The moment I pressed my lips against his - hot and soft - and joined them together, my blood flow started pumping and I felt the boiling blood pouring into all the veins in my whole body. I still haven’t let go of his tie, it has remained in my hand up until now while I was aiming for his lips to be mine completely. The craving I have been keeping for myself for so long didn’t allow me to hold back. It was too late for that.  
He was shocked in the beginning - he froze in his spot for a while, not able to move at all. But it didn’t last him long. Suddenly I felt the warmth coming from his body pressed against mine. His arms wrapped around me and while his hands were soothingly stroking my back, his lips finally engaged in the kiss actively. Now that I didn’t have to be afraid he would run away, I released his tie and wrapped my hands around his neck.  
He was careful at first. The kiss started off as gentle, he slowly tasted my lips, offering his for me to taste. When his fingers drowned in my hair, I exhaled all the air in my lungs into his mouth. But he quickly got bored with the gentle kisses and began to demand something more passionate. With his teeth he slightly, but still sufficiently, bit my lower lip and I had to let out a moan. He slightly smiled into the kiss and used my unawareness to battle his way into my mouth with his tongue. The way he kissed me made me feel countless feelings. In one moment, I had goosebumps all over my body, sending shivers up my spine, but a few seconds later, my forehead was covered in cold sweat. My knees were shaking and I nearly wasn’t able to stand still. I was running low on breath, my pulse went crazy and my heart pounded so much it might just have exploded. I was breathing in his intoxicating scent which dulled almost all of my senses and under the navy blue blouse I could feel an itching sensation everywhere he touched me. I was going insane. There was just so much mess in my head right now.  
Then, in one unguarded moment, he made a step closer, forcing me to take a step back. He didn’t stop kissing me while he kept on putting one foot in front of the other until I hit the edge of his desk with the back of my thighs. His hands slid down my hips, over my thighs all the way down to my butt. He squeezed it firmly and then lifted me up on the desk. He used both of his hands to spread my legs so that he could wedge in between them. It was no longer just tender caresses and fine kisses – the thirst grew bigger and bigger. My lips were swollen from the wild kissing, sucking and biting and my skin was on fire. But I didn’t mind. Not a bit. Right now and at any other moment, I would sell my soul to the devil for all of it.  
For a while, just a little, he pulled away from me to look into my eyes and make sure that everything is okay. That we can put our innocence aside. That we are willing to go together, there, from where we can’t go back.  _But would any of us even care in that moment?_  Even if we were walking along the road to hell, we wouldn’t look behind. Because we both have yearned for each other for too long.  
The answer he searched for in my eyes was there, vivid and clear, like the fact that it could no longer be avoided. He reunited our lips again and deepened the kiss right away this time, to distract me from his hand which just went into a fight with the buttons of my blouse. He undid them, one by one, and then he pulled the blouse off my shoulders. As soon as his cold hand touched my bare skin, heated to a thousand degrees, I started trembling. But his hand continued travelling down my body where it unzipped my black jeans. I instinctively lifted up my butt to allow him to get rid of them. As he managed to do that, he came back up to look straight into my eyes. He took my chin into his hand and kissed me briefly before he gently pushed me. I laid my back on the cold surface of his desk, full of ungraded exam sheets, and from down there I watched him taking off his pure white shirt, revealing his abs.  _I wonder if that’s a result of him doing pole dance or whatever the fuck he does in the club._  I reached out to place my hand on his chest and let it slip down onto his abs. In the meantime, he took care of his trousers and then leaned over me.  
“Are you sure?”  
He was looking into my eyes from such close proximity our noses were almost touching. One of his hands was leaning on the desk, the other one was gently caressing my cheek.  _Was I sure? Honestly?_  No, I was not. But I did want him. I wanted him so bad I stopped caring. Worries and fears, they just didn’t matter to me. The only thing I saw was him and the only thing I needed was him. To kiss me and to love me. To give me everything. And more. Much more. I wanted it all, for myself and not just for now. Forever.  
There was no need for words. I simply pulled him closer to me and stole his lips once again. I wrapped my legs around his hips and rubbed myself against him. The answer I got was a blissful sigh. I teased him enough for him to finally drop the last piece of his will, dive into me and take me for a walk through paradise. He moved a little lower and the moment his wet lips touched the sensitive skin on my neck, I pressed my eyelids together firmly, letting out several quiet moans. His hands didn’t stay calm. They explored my whole body, its every centimetre and they learned to know its every curve. Every time his fingers came across one of the many sensitive spots on my body, I couldn’t resist the temptation to let him know loudly. Neither my hands stayed in their spot. I was touching all over his body and even though his abs were incredible, his back muscles were what fascinated me the most. They were just perfect for me to leave some scratches on them.  
It felt like a different world to me. There was nothing ordinary about it. I have been waiting for it for so long and when I got it, it was absolutely wonderful. To the last bit. Because it was a man I was in love with - truly, madly, deeply. Maybe it was not the right thing to do but in that moment, to me, it felt like the only right thing to do. I felt like everything was exactly as it should be. And it was perfect.  
That secret and what it has done may seem like a good thing now because it has brought us together and helped us make our dreams come true. However, on the top and at the end of paradise which seemed to be so peaceful at the beginning, there was no light but darkness. Kilometres of black and empty darkness.


	19. Chapter 18

Absolutely nothing went as planned. Nothing went as I thought it would. At this point, I thought it would go smoothly, just like I imagined it. However, I was terribly wrong. But I didn’t even realise it at the beginning.  
The first few days after it happened, I just couldn’t believe it myself and I was a little in shock. That’s why I didn’t notice what was happening around me. And another few days later, when I finally started acknowledging it and perceiving my surroundings, I found out just how much fucked up things were right now. Nothing cleared up between me and professor Zhang. Nothing stabilised between us. Even more chaos began to emerge. He ignored me during the lessons. He showed no signs of affection and sympathies like I expected he would. He acted totally cold towards me. Sometimes it even seemed like he was venting his anger on me. When he wasn’t avoiding me, of course.  
Confused – this is a word that is not even close to properly describing how I felt. It is too weak. I had no clue how we got all the way to this point. It felt like I woke up to a completely different reality, from day to day. And I did not like this reality at all.  
As soon as I grasped that something was wrong, I decided to make a very risky step. I was supposed to be in a biology class which was followed by a chemistry class, like every Thursday. When I woke up this morning, I decided that before the chemistry class, I would go talk to him to clear things up. But I just couldn’t waitany more. I needed to speak with him. Best immediately. And because I knew that he was free right now, I bunked off of biology and headed towards professor Zhang’s office.  
I knocked on his door quietly because the break was already over and I waited for his call. But instead, the door opened, offering a sight of professor Zhang. The moment he saw me, he quickly pushed his head out to check if there was someone who could have seen me and then he dragged me in and slammed the door behind us. Then he gave an angry look.  
“Professor-”  
“Are you crazy?! What are you doing here?”  
It really surprised me. He was standing there with his hands on his hips, yelling at me. He totally eliminated my defensive system with his sharpness. Because he probably had just arrived shortly before, he still had his grey coat on, hair messed up by the wind, looking just as mad as he actually was. I was actually afraid of him. But I didn’t let him corner me. I came to ask questions. And I came for answers.  
“We need to talk. I wanna know what’s going on. Why has your behaviour towards me changed so suddenly? Why are you behaving so coldly?” I asked, trying to sound as stable as possible.  
“I behave towards you exactly as a professor should behave towards his student,” he answered while he let his coat slide down his shoulders and then hung it on the hanger right next to the door. His indifference to me couldn’t be more obvious right now.  
“Jesus, I’m sick of these push and pull games! Don’t you think that now, after what happened, it is a little too late to try to act like a well-ordered professor and an exemplary student?” The anger reflected in my voice.  
“We’re nothing more than that. And we’ll never be.” He walked past me to his desk, slightly bumping into my right shoulder.  
I turned around to face him again. “What?”  
I couldn’t believe it. I stared at him, eyes wide open as well as my mouth, waiting for him to start laughing and tell me it’s just a stupid joke. _Did it even mean anything to him?_  
“Listen to me, Hyejin-ah. This whole thing was just one huge mistake. The biggest I have ever made,” he answered my unspoken question. “Right now, I just wish to forget everything.” He fluffed his hair a bit.  
He acted so naturally. He talked about it with such ease, like it didn’t concern him a bit. Like it had nothing to do with him.As if he meant it. I blinked away the tears that started blurring the image before my eyes.  
“That’s the only feeling it evokes in you? A wish to forget?” Although I tried, I wasn’t able to hide my own feelings in my voice. It just did what it wanted.  
“Yes, and it’s exactly what you also should do. Forget it. Forget it has ever happened. Forget me as someone with whom you could ever be. Forget your feelings for me. Forget everything.” He looked into my eyes briefly and then looked away. “And now, please leave. You should have been in your classroom long ago.” He gestured to the door with his hand.  
This time I didn’t even try to hold my tears back. I gave them a free passage and I allowed them to wet my cheeks. They wouldn’t listen to me even if I tried. It just hurt so much. I turned away from him speechless and left his office as quickly as possible. The moment the cursed door closed behind me, I slid down them to the floor and laid my head on my knees. The tears were still falling down my cheeks in endless streams, making everything that was in their way wet. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t have the courage to scream and shout so I kept on swallowing my sobs until I felt like I was choking. I fell apart like a house of cards, not able to collect myself again. I sat there until the school bell started ringing, hoping the door behind me would open and he would come out to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But that damned door has never opened.  
I got back up on my feet before the school halls started to fill with students, I grabbed all my things and headed towards the exit. I was planning on listening to him and doing exactly what he advised me to do. I wanted to forget about everything, at least for several hours. I needed to brainwash myself and the only solution I could think of was alcohol. Lots of alcohol. In the end, I didn’t arrive at his or any other lesson that day.


	20. Chapter 19

You could say I lost my own self for some time. The wound the professor had done to me kept on expanding and later on, it grew into an unbearable pain. A pain I felt just thinking about him and a pain I could no longer ignore. I got addicted to him so easily but I couldn’t have him. That is why I had to find another drug.  
My temporary solution was alcohol which I consumed in order to avoid thoughts on everything that has happened recently. It helped me to numb my senses, it got rid of the useless thoughts and it forced me to perceive only the present, not the past. But my depression worsened day by day and alcohol soon stopped doing the thing for me so I drank more and more. The nights I cried myself to sleep could not be counted on all fingers, neither the glasses I emptied out because of my pain. Little by little, I began drowning, not just in alcohol but also in my own misery.  
The school which used to be my one and only priority was now like a madhouse to me. I rarely had the courage to step one foot in there. I actually didn’t give a damn about school, attendance or exams. I gave up studying and even my beloved reading. If I showed at school it was only when I needed to take something from my locker or when I wanted to reassure Yejin I was still alive. But I was slowly becoming a wreck.  
In the end, everything started falling apart right in front of my eyes. Only then I woke up from the disillusionment it’s going to be okay. My rebellion had resulted in a precarious situation. The school was threatening me with a dropout. But before I found out myself, to be able to fix it, this unprecedented news, unfortunately, came to my parents first.  
Paradoxically, that Friday afternoon, I got home after a day spent at school. Moreover, I was completely sober.  
“Mom, dad! I’m home!” I took off my shoes and the spring jacket I exchanged for a coat since it was April and the weather became much warmer now. I hung it on the peg and then, completely carefree, I walked past my parents into the kitchen.  
“Hyejin-ah, wait. We need to talk,” my mom began speaking with a conciliatory tone.  
“About what?” I said while scanning the contents of our fridge with my eyes. I was starving.  
“We’ve got a call from the school,” she continued when they both appeared in the kitchen.  
I immediately knew what the school could have wanted to tell my parents. I slowly closed the fridge. The hunger was completely gone.  
“Are you even conscious of how much we invested into your future? We kept working like crazy to be able to let you study at such a school. There’s a saving account we send lots of money to, each and every month, so that you’ll do well in the future and you won’t have to worry about finances. Every time you need something, we either get it for you or give you money for it. And that’s how you pay us back?” My dad got involved, speaking much more strictly.  
At that moment, I had no clue what to answer. I knew that they were right. That the things I do are bad and that they hurt not only me but also the people around me. That I’m destroying my future I worked so hard on. But I couldn’t tell them the truth about the pain that caused it all. I wasn’t even able to tell them. They couldn’t help me with this. It was a stage I had to go through myself.  
“Listen to me. I know I was not quite…exemplary right now. But I had my reasons.” I touched my temples and massaged them a bit, obviously indicating I’m not in the right state of mind because I’m tired and I would like this conversation to end.  
My dad took a breath, apparently trying to speak, but my mom took a step forward and squeezed his shoulder. “That’s what we wanna know. Your reasons. What’s wrong with you? When and how did this change happen? We don’t understand it.”  
“I’m afraid I have nothing to tell you.” I didn’t have the slightest desire to talk about it. I was trying to back out of it, all the ways possible.  
“You have nothing to tell us? Who do you think you are?” Mom still tried to stay calm and keep her head cool but she had her limits, too.  
“I just don’t want to talk about it!” I raised my voice at her. And I angered my dad.  
“Enough! How dare you speak like that with your mother! In the near future, things will be like this – you’re going to put things in order at school by the end of this term. If not, we’ll cut you off from all the money we saved on your account up until now. And now get out of my sight!” dad yelled at me, literally raging. I have never seen him like that.  
“Fine!”  
I did not intend to try his or my mother’s mood and that’s why I got out of the house this instant. I headed to a place where I had been used to solving my problems recently. To the bar.

 

 *******  


Under the influence of alcohol I managed to gulp down in record time, I got an impulsive, almost crazy idea. But in that moment, it seemed like the best thing I could have thought of.  
I paid in the bar and set out to a walk through the city. At the end of it, I was standing in front of the main entrance of our university. I entered inside. It was a late afternoon and the students have long been heading to their homes. But some of the professors were still working hard in their offices. I had no doubt professor Zhang would still be in his one. Before I could think twice about it, my legs took control of the whole situation and carried me all the way in front of the familiar door.  
I knocked on it and got inside his office without any warning. He looked up from his work, as I expected, and moved his eyes on me. As soon as he noticed in what state I tottered into his office, he put away his glasses, got up from his chair and rushed over to me. He caught me before I could fall down to the ground and instead of that, I fell into his soft arms.  
“Hyejin-ah, oh my God, you’re barely conscious!”  
I slowly looked up to him with tears in my eyes, viewing his worried face. One of the tears, no matter how hard I tried, found her way out and rolled down my face all the way to the ground.  
“Please, help me, professor.”


	21. Chapter 20

“Please, help me, professor.”  
He was just staring at me blankly and hopelessly like he didn’t know what to do. But then, he grabbed my arm and put it over his shoulders, giving me support, and he led me to his brown leather couch. This couch has been a witness to many things already. He helped me to sit down and then disappeared from my sight for a moment. When he came back, he brought me a glass of cold water and I gladly accepted it. I was dying to cool down my throat so I would gladly accept anything, except more alcohol. Before he managed to sit down next to me, the whole content of that glass slid down my throat without any problems. It was not at all enough but it made a huge difference in how I felt. My mind became clearer and my throat was no longer dry so I could speak properly. I gave him the empty glass and thanked him silently, while he put the glass aside.  
“Now tell me what happened, Hyejin-ah.”  
He made himself comfortable on the couch. He pulled one leg up on the couch and leaned his elbow against the backrest, supporting his head with his palm. In this position, he could look straight into my eyes and so he did, he stared into them and I knew he was genuinely interested in me right now. The paradox is that he knew well. Although he didn’t want to admit it and tried to ignore it, in the depths of his soul he knew what made me do all these crazy things. It surprised me a little that he didn’t realise how much guilt he shared in this. In spite of that, I still believed I should forget about my pride and put my feelings aside. In this moment, I needed a helping hand to pull me out of all the shit and he was offering one. I decided to accept it.  
“A lot of things happened, actually. Some of them can’t be undone but some of them can be fixed. I need your help to fix what I have done lately. I really screwed up.”  
Like him, I also made myself comfortable on the couch. I leaned deep into the backrest and closed my eyes for a bit. I took a deep breath and then breathed out. It was hard for me but I had to do it. Talk about it, that was the only way out of this maze.  
“Go on.” He spoke to me as I opened my eyes and looked at him.  
“I am slowly losing myself. I began to drank, I stopped going to school and now they are about to kick me out. I fought with my parents and I just didn’t know where to go. You were the first one to pop in my head,” I paused for a moment but there was no reaction so I continued talking. “I have decided to stop drinking, to put things in order at school and generally, just pull myself together again. Not just for my parents but also for myself. However, I’m sure I can’t do it alone. I want to ask you if you could help me with school.”  
As I continued talking so openly about it, I recalled how I felt – alone, abandoned, totally destroyed and absolutely hopeless. I felt like crying because of what I’ve become in such a short time. A completely different person. The tears I’ve been so used to lately again started rolling down my cheeks freely without me knowing, making me gasp for air. He shifted to sit closer to me on the couch, wiped my tears away with his thumb and looked in my eyes with a pain showing in his expression.  
“I’ll do everything for you to stand on your own feet again, Hyejin-ah,” he said and then pulled me in and embrace, tight and warm.  
He held me in his arms for a long time. He let me rest there and cope with the pain that struck me so suddenly. The warmth of his arms calmed me and the scent of his pure white shirt enchanted me like always. For a moment, I forgot all of my problems. Once again, I felt what it is like to be held in his arms and I remembered how much I actually missed it. And how hard I had to try to hide that I hopelessly loved him. Not thinking about the consequences, I pulled away from the hug and kissed him. I gently pressed my lips against his and tasted him after a long time. The taste of his lips was exactly as I remembered it. Sweet, with a hint of cinnamon and absolutely intoxicating. I let myself be carried away by it and deepened the kiss right away. And it seemed like I wasn’t the only one fighting with reason. Although we tried to be reasonable, we attracted each other like magnets and soon enough, the battle seemed to be lost. Our bodies reacted very positively to each other – the long-term absence of the other’s touches was now pulling all the strings possible as if we were puppets. I clenched my hands around his muscular arms and then slid down the length of them all the way to his hips, but he broke the kiss and pushed me away from him.  
“Sorry, Hyejin-ah, but I’m not doing the same mistake again.” He took a deep breath to fill up his lungs and ruffled his hair with his hand. “At least not now, when you’re like that.”  
I threw my head back, sank deep into the couch and then sighed frustrated. He got up from the couch and reached out to me.  
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”  
Not saying a word, I took his hand and got up on my feet. 

 

*****  
**

On the first weekend day, I stayed in my bed with a terrible hangover. I didn’t even think about anything else other than staying in bed. However, in the evening, my room came alive with the sound of my phone ringing. I looked at the display of it to see who’s calling but the number was unknown. I accepted the call and waited.  
“Good evening, Hyejin-ah. It’s me, professor. Professor Zhang.”  
“Professor?!”  
“Are you free now?”  
“I-I am, professor but...where did you get my number?”  
“That’s not important. If it’s still valid, that you need my help, let’s meet. I’ll send you the address in a message.” He then hung up, without even saying goodbye.  
I stared at my phone which I was holding in my hand, fully mind-blown, asking what the hell happened in the last two minutes.


	22. 21st Chapter

The mobile phone I was still clutching in the palm of my hand suddenly beeped and that brought me back to my senses. I viewed the incoming message and exactly according to professor’s words, it contained the address I was supposed to come to if I was going to meet him tonight. _But, was I?_ I had to laugh at my own thinking. Of course, I was. _Would it be me if I ever missed a chance to meet him?_ No, it wouldn’t. But first, I needed to go through a major change.  
I remembered the fact I stayed in bed all day long, I smelled like sweat and alcohol and therefore I definitely had to take a shower. It felt really nice to finally wash down the memories and remains of yesterday. The cold water took all that away and replaced it with freshness and purity. Then I needed to do something with the way my face looked after what alcohol did to it. I put on the perfect amount of make-up so that it highlighted my qualities. I left my hair loose this time – already grown from the last time I cut them, the springs of black hair started to curl on their own. In the combination with the make-up I went with, it created a messy but sexy look. Exactly what I needed. I needed to look pretty but uninvolved. All that was left was to choose a suitable outfit. I haven’t been able to figure it out for some time but in the end, a black pencil skirt caught my attention. I barely wore it because it was too short for me but I persuaded myself and put it on along with a purple silk sweater with a V-shaped neck. Although it was already spring, the weather behind windows was still cold so I didn’t forget and also put on a beige cloth coat and black high boots.  
I grabbed my phone and once again looked at the address professor sent me an hour ago to examine it in detail. I knew it there but actually have never been there. _Maybe there’s a nice café or restaurant?  
_ My passage through the house was fast and quiet. I wasn’t grounded, that’s not my parent’s style, but I still decided it would be better not to get noticed in order to not provoke my parents in this situation. When I got out, I hastened my steps to catch the bus because it was the last one that went to the district I was heading to. Other buses will be going sometime after midnight. _Willy-nilly, I’m gonna have to stay for quite a while.  
_ As I arrived there, I was a bit confused. The building in front of me was neither a café nor a restaurant but a tenement house. I was prepared for everything, except for him inviting me to his place. I was not prepared for that. I started to be a little nervous.  
I ringed the bell with his name and waited. A hoarse voice came from the speaker next to the board with bells.  
“Yes?”  
“Good evening, professor, it’s me, Jung Hyejin,” I answered quietly.  
“Okay, come upstairs, sixth floor, flat number thirteen.” The speaker went quiet again and got replaced with a loud noise made by the door being unlocked and opened.  
I entered in and rode the lift all the way up to the sixth floor. When I stepped out of the lift I could see a really narrow corridor and two doors. One of them was opened, the one from flat thirteen, I guessed. I slowly walked in and closed the door behind me. I took off my shoes, following my good manners, and cautiously walked through the flat, hoping I would find him somewhere. His flat was surprisingly spacious and modernly furnished. Everything was matched in dark and warm tones and in the combination with natural and slightly dimmed lighting, it provided a feeling of safety and security, just like home. _I can imagine living in such place.  
_ While exploring the place, I finally collided with the professor. _But I wish I didn’t._ He was wearing just old blue jeans and then nothing. No T-shirt. And he was just drying his wet hair with a towel. _Oh my goodness!_ I tried not to stare at him but it was too hard so I turned away from him. However, even if I couldn’t see him with my eyes, that didn’t mean I couldn’t see it in my head. His abs, the jeans pulled down so dangerously low it showed those muscles that make girls like me weak, the happy trail leading from his belly button all the way down under his jeans… I could see it all in my head very vividly.  
“Hey, Hyejin-ah, uhm, sorry... I didn’t expect you this early.”  
 _It’s almost 8 pm. God, when did he expect me?  
_ “Sit in the living room, I’ll make you a tea.”  
He managed to put on his white T-shirt in the meantime, allowing me to look at him without having dirty thoughts. I nodded and sat down on the sofa in his living room. While waiting for him, I looked around the room, trying to find any signs of his personal life. Vainly. There wasn’t a single picture, no things lying around except piles of exam sheets. Nothing that could reveal something about him. This place seemed cosy but soaked up with loneliness. For him, only the university and work existed. _Oh, and a pole in a nightclub._ I shuddered and shook off such thoughts in order to not bring to mind what this man does at night when I’m soundly asleep. I was barely getting used to it.  
A moment later, he appeared with two cups of hot tea in his hands. He put them on the glass table in front of us and I gratefully looked at him before I wrapped my fingers around the cup to warm my hands a bit. He left to grab some folder from his work desk, then came back and sit down next to me.  
“How are you doing, hm?” he asked and took the cup into his hands.  
“I... I’m coping.” I smiled at him.  
“Good. So, I asked other professors for their teaching materials. With this, you can catch up but it won’t be easy. There’s a lot and if you want to make it, it will certainly require a lot of time and effort.”  
I nodded and sipped some tea from the mug. “Thank you, professor, I’m really grateful.”  
“No problem. About chemistry – I’m sure this won’t be a big problem but if you want, we can go through it together.”  
He also sipped some of his tea but he apparently burnt himself. The expression he put on revealed he probably cursed silently. He put away his mug and didn’t touch it for the rest of the evening. _I guess tea is not exactly his thing.  
_ “I’d like to go through it...if you don’t mind.” I put my half-empty cup on the table and I shamefully must confess that I also let the rest of the tea cool down during the evening.  
“Okay. Look at this.”  
He leaned closer to me and opened the folder. But as soon as his scent hit my nose, I ceased to perceive. I could smell the familiar scent and feel the warmth coming from his body. I listened to him but I focused more on his soft voice rather than the words he said. Quietly, I was watching him talking about the thing he understands, about what fulfils him, about what he likes. His dark brown eyes were full of little sparks and the dimple I haven’t seen for so long appeared again since he was smiling at me while speaking. Sometimes his fingers would drown in his wet hair when he wondered how he should explain something to me, and his hair always stayed messy because of it. In one moment, when he was explaining something very difficult, I guess, he shifted in his seat to sit closer to me, not leaving a single millimetre between us. I could feel his warm breath on the skin of my neck.  
“Do you understand how it works?” He turned to look at me. He was so close our faces were nearly touching.  
 _I know exactly how it works. Chemistry is you touching my mind and it_ _s_ _etting my body on fire._ I bit down on my lower lip and stared into his eyes. I watched them drift from place to place and slide down to my lips from time to time. It was so quiet I could hear his shallow breathing and my sixth sense was telling me his hands were tensed from trying to stay in place. The temptation of this moment was just too much. But then he stood up from the sofa we were both sitting on as if the spark in the air had vanished.  
“I think you should go now.” He scratched the back of his head and then gestured with his hand.  
I got up from the sofa, but not with the intention to leave. This was the right moment to finally turn this over. I just needed to push him a little a more.  
“Well, it’s so dark outside. It must be really late.” I looked from the window before I went up to him. “I guess I really do have to leave.” I licked my lips and as I turned away from him I swung my hips.  
Then I ruffled the hair on the back of my head and made a step towards the hall. He grabbed my shoulder, made two quick steps and pushed me against the wall. He pressed his body against mine and leaned his hand next to my head. He then cut off all the distance between us, his nose touching mine.  
“I wanted to stay away from you. I really did.” He didn’t take his eyes off of my lips. “But I’m running out of patience, you know?” His hand was slowly moving down my hip. “I can’t anymore...”  
He covered the last millimetre between us and appropriated my lips.


	23. Chapter 22

He kissed me, instantly fighting his way into my mouth with his nimble tongue. His right hand was still leaning next to my head while he was cupping my cheek with his other hand. He gently stroked me with his thumb, his perfectly warm lips still pressed against mine. My hand reached out to touch his muscular arm. I was breathing deeply through my nose, fully sniffing his scent which was very different from ever before. He smelled like lust. I could feel how excited he was through the kiss – it was heated, unbounded and totally hungry.  
He pulled away from me, just a little, to take in a deep breath, his eyes still closed. I bit my already swollen lip and pressed myself against him down there. He hissed almost inaudibly and then took in another sharp breath. He slowly opened his eyes and brought his lips to my left ear, brushing them against my sensitive and hot skin. And then, when he opened his mouth to speak, I got creeps all over my body.  
“I have longed for you so much. From that afternoon in my office, I’ve been thinking about you and only you,” he whispered in my ear so quietly I barely heard him. Then he pulled back once more to look into my eyes for a bit before his eyes slid down to my lips again. “You have no idea about how much I’ve wanted to do this.” He leaned forward to me and briefly kissed me before he gently sucked in my lower lip and squeezed it between his teeth. A silent moan escaped my lips. “Or this.” His fingers drowned in my hair and pulled it tight, making me throw my head back. He lowered his head to my neck and covered it with thousands of butterfly kisses. Another louder moan escaped my lips. “But mostly this.”  
He let his hands slide down my hips all the way down to the hem of my skirt and then slipped his hands under it. I knew the skirt would be useful today. He pulled it up for an easier access to my butt. As his hands settled down there, he squeezed it hard to let me know he wants me to cooperate. I put my hands around his neck and wrapped my legs around his hips. He stole my lips again and carefully carried me to his bedroom. He laid me down on his bed, climbed onto it and took off his T-shirt with just one skilled movement. I no longer tried to hide how fascinated I am with his body. I blatantly stared at him while biting my lips. I was half-insane. He grabbed the hem of my skirt and slowly pulled it down again. He took his time, sometimes pressed his lips to my skin while looking straight into my eyes. Then he leaned over me, a soft smile glued to his face.  
“The last chance to change your mind and run away.” His eyes were filled with a serious expression. He was giving me a choice because he wanted me to know we’re both in this together.  
I turned him over to sit on him. “I’m not going anywhere, professor.” I kissed him, gently and long.  
His hand found his way under my sweater and caressed me gently on my back. “Stop calling me professor already. And that sweater – take it off,” he murmured into the kiss.  
I listened to him, straightened up and quickly took off the sweater. He sat up on the bed to kiss me again. I ran my fingers through his hair and gently pulled it. He moved his lips to my neck and sucked on it, making me let out a loud moan. I pushed him and he fell back on the mattress. I pressed my body against his and once again reunited our lips. I couldn’t get enough of his lips. When he kissed me, I felt like I was on drugs. Everything around me went silent and the only thing I perceived was the taste of his lips and the scent of his skin. Unfortunately, he had a strange habit of denying things to me. He released the kiss and looked at me.  
“When you do this, I feel like I’m gonna go crazy. Stop it.” He pulled me under himself.  
“When I do what?” I had no clue what he was talking about. I looked up at him from the pillow and waited for the answer. His hair has already dried - it was a little curly and very shiny. It kind of fell onto his forehead, creating slight shadows on his face.  
“When you kiss me, I can hear you breathing in my scent. It does things to me,” he admitted.  
“What things?”  
He looked at me with a determined expression. He was completely controlled by the heat of the moment, literally swallowed up. “Are you sure you wanna know?”  
I brought my mouth near his ear. “I am.”  
He quickly grabbed my arms, ran his hands along them and pinned my wrists on the pillow over my head. He kissed my neck, first on one side and then on the other. Then he pulled back and stared into my eyes.  
“At first, my body becomes stiff. I’m not able to move my arms and legs. Sometimes I even have trouble breathing.” He moved a little lower, to my belly where he left a wet path of kisses with his tongue. “Then, when I recover, my heart starts beating like crazy and hot blood starts rushing through my veins,” he said with a breathy voice and I answered with a blissful moan. He was playing with me and I liked it. I let him do what he wanted. “Warmth pours into my whole body and in the end, I lose even the last drip of my patience.” He hooked his thumbs under my panties, slowly pulled them down and threw them somewhere away. “And then I simply go insane.” He placed his lips on the sensitive skin of my inner thigh. I clutched the bed sheet in my hands. “Do you understand me now?”  
“Perfectly.”  
He won over me and couldn’t hold himself back from a gleeful smile. I didn’t like the fact that he was still almost fully dressed at all so I decided to pay him back what he deserved. The game continues. Time for retaliation.  
“Now that I know what’s your biggest weakness, I can use it deliberately.” I pulled him closer to me and sniffed the scent of his hair. For a moment, he lost control over himself and closed his eyes to absorb all the feelings which awakened in him. I used my chance and I climbed on top of him. “These jeans...you don’t need them any more.” I skilfully unzipped his jeans and pulled them off of his legs, leaving him with only his underwear, the last piece of his clothes.  
“You’re not playing with me, are you?” He asked with a playful tone in his voice.  
“Maybe I am.” I reached back to unhook my black lace bra. Then, still a little nervous, I let it fall off my shoulders and then threw it away. His eyes instantly darkened.  
“You used to be such a good student.”  
I wiggled my ass a bit, making him throw his head back. “I am not any more?”  
“Do it one more time and I’ll show you just how bad you are right now.”  
I wiggled one more time. “Then show me.”  
“Fuck, you asked for it,” he said and growled from behind his clenched teeth.  
His other side, the darker one, began to manifest itself. The beast, who was used to going naked in front of strangers, giving other girls lap dances and taking money for it, started to crawl to the surface. He pulled me under him and got rid of his underwear which was already pretty tight. He quickly reached into the drawer of his nightstand and took out a rubber. He ripped the plastic packaging between his teeth, threw it away and put the rubber on. He didn’t rush but he didn’t wait. He dove into me and calmed me with a soft kiss. I threw my head back as he moved after a while. This wasn’t the first time with him but it was completely different this time. There was no innocence left. He wanted me, I wanted him and our desires were controlling us. We basically behaved like animals. And when he first dared to thrust into me, I couldn’t hold it in.  
“Oh my God!”  
“He’s not gonna help you.” His hand wandered to my boobs meanwhile he thrust into me again, this time stronger. I bit my own hand in order to keep myself quiet but when he did it for the third time, really hard and really deep, I had no time to react and I moaned his name loudly.  
“Yixing-sshi!”  
“You need anything, sweetie?” He kept on thrusting into me. The intervals between his thrusts were shortening and their intensity grew extensively. He was slowly losing control over himself.  
“I need you to do it again!” I breathed out, shaken, eager for his touches and totally obsessed with the feeling he’s in me and he’s mine. The way he moved inside my body and the way he was teasing me made me forget about myself for some time. I closed my eyes and let the moans leave my lips as they wanted. In one moment, he literally laid his body directly on mine and before he spoke, he bit my earlobe.  
“I have neighbours. Keep it low.” He placed his hand over my mouth to indicate we have to stick to the limits. Easy to say, hard to do. I needed to take things over for a while so I tried to pull him under me but he immediately pinned me back to the mattress and smiled at me. “That wouldn’t do.”  
He purposely thrust hard into me and that one movement pushed me dangerously close to the edge. I gasped for air but I managed to control the tendency to shout out loud. He was watching me from up there, amused, enjoying my suffering. At the beginning, I would have never guessed that he was going to turn into something like that. A stripper who likes to play in bed, literally.  
“Oh my God, yes!” I groaned out loud, full of pleasure when he pushed me over the edge with his circular motions. I clenched around him, I squirmed with bliss and I moaned his name into his ear over and over, leading him to his own very top. He pressed our lips together and drowned our moans in the kiss.  
Then, when were lying side by side on the bed, absorbing the last remnants of our orgasm, he turned on his side, leaned his head against his own hand and stared at me.  
“What’s on your mind?” I asked when I noticed how thoughtful he looked.  
“Nothing. I just can’t believe it.”  
“What?”  
“That I fell in love.”


	24. Chapter 23

My heart skipped a beat. My senses must have been deluded. I replayed his words in my head but I just couldn’t process it. _Was it a hallucination or did he really say he loved me?_  
“What did you say?” I lifted up on my elbows to be able to look straight into his eyes which were looking at me with amusement. He then smiled warmly and my heart melted like ice.  
He gave me a sweet kiss. “It’s late. Go to sleep.” He covered me with a blanket and reached the lamp to switch the light off. After that, he wrapped his arm around me, pulled me closer to him and buried his nose in my hair. I heard him take a deep breath. “Now I know what it feels like.”  
I closed my eyes obediently, let loose deep in his warm arms and before I could notice, sleep stole my consciousness and carried it far away, into the realm of dreams.

 

 *******  


The next morning, I woke up in Yixing’s bed. At first, I was a bit confused but as soon as I looked around the room, everything came back to me. Yesterday’s extra chemistry lesson and then… My cheeks turned red while thinking about what we were doing until late at night. In the end, I even remembered what he said right before we fell asleep. Even at this point, I still thought it was just too unreal for me to believe it and Istill kind of counted on the possibility that when I heard him saying it, I was already long asleep and it was just a dream. Sweet dream but still only a dream. The fact that he wasn’t there next to me at this moment and that the side he was supposed to be lying on was no longer warm made it even clearer. But a moment later, the door opened and Yixing appeared in the room. He was still half naked, carrying a tray with breakfast. He put it on a table nearby the bed and before he said anything, he climbed up on the bed and leaned closer to me for a kiss. He briefly pressed our lips together and then pulled away.  
“Good morning, baby,” he said with his morning voice and I nearly died. Maybe, it was really true. I wrapped my arms around his neck and instead of greeting him, I pulled him back to me to kiss him longer and deeper. I used one of my legs, wrapped it around him and pulled him even closer to me. “Your breakfast is gonna get cold,” he murmured into the kiss, one hand leaning next to my head, the other playing with my hair.  
I reluctantly removed my right leg from his butt, he sat back up and took the tray in his hands. I sit up on the bed and leaned on the pillow. He put the tray on my lap and sit opposite me. Looking at the tray full of mouth-watering food, my stomach was growling. There was a plate of scrambled eggs, fried bacon and French toasts. There was also a bowl of mixed fruit, such as apples, oranges, grapes and watermelon. The glass was full of orange juice and as a bonus, I even got a small bowl of frosted chocolate ice cream. There was so much delicious food and I wasn’t able to choose what to start with. He noticed me vainly trying to make a decision so he took the bowl with ice cream in his hand.  
“This first. Eat it before it melts.” He put a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth.  
Together we ate breakfast while discussing my problems at school. He was urging me to not underestimate it and to put all my effort into it. He was determined to keep me at the university at any cost.  
After breakfast, I took a quick shower in his bathroom. I got dressed in the clothing I wore yesterday and groomed myself a little. When I came out of the bathroom, he was already dressed, wearing his glasses and sitting by his work desk in the living room.  
“I have to go now.” I leaned against the door frame with my arms crossed onmy chest. I did not want to go. But I had to.  
He looked up at me and took off his glasses. “So soon? I thought we would go for lunch.” He put his glasses aside, got up from his seat and covered the distance between us. In just a moment, he was holding me in his arms, looking down at me from his perspective.  
“The situation is...not so good at home right now. If my parents hadn’t already find out I haven’t slept at home, I would like them to not find out at all.” I gave him a smacker on the cheek and got out of the hug.  
In the hall, I put on my black high boots, my beige coat and grabbed my purse stuffed with the thick folder I received from Yixing. He went to see me off, looking disappointed.  
“Do you want me to give you a lift?” He grabbed my hand before I left the flat.  
“No, I’ll take the bus. Let’s not risk anything.” I wrapped my arms around him for the last time for a short time.  
“Okay,” he said, gave me the last kiss and pulled away from me. I recalled the memories which were resembling this situation and I remembered how it ended then. Thinking that everything is perfectly okay, I left his office and then everything got all fucked up. I was starting to be afraid I would have to go through it all again. I lowered my sight and sighed loudly. “Is there something wrong?” He took my chin in his hand, lifting it up so I would look into his eyes.  
“You’re not going to chase me away like then, are you?” The pain and suffering I had experienced at that time were noticeable in my voice.  
“No, I’m not. Never again. I don’t even know a way out of this any more. I don’t want to know.” He hugged me tightly while soothingly stroking my head. I sniffed his scent for the last time. He kissed my forehead and then let me go.  
We said goodbye and I set out on my way home before I could change my mind. When I arrived there, nobody was up yet, luckily. It was Sunday and my parents could sleep in so I slipped into my room unnoticed. I put down my purse and coat, took off my shoes and fell back on my bead, heavy body and even heavier mind.  
My thoughts wandered to the night we spent together. One thing finally settled. It was encouraging to know he was there for me. I knew I could make it with him by my side. But there were other things. I decided to start with the school and the fact that the threat is still hanging over my head. I jumped out of the bed, took the folder out of my purse and sat at my desk where I opened it.


	25. Chapter 24

I spent the last few days buried in piles of books and studying materials. When I wasn’t sitting at the university desk, I was sitting at the desk in my room, going through the never-ending folder I got from Yixing. I wanted to regain my lost control over things and that’s why I worked so hard – because I was glad I got a second chance and I wanted to use it as much as possible. I was grateful that the second chance had ever come because I appreciated my parents and what they were doing for me so I didn’t want to disappoint them or later disappoint myself. And as much as I appreciated all this, I also appreciated Yixing, his efforts to help me and the fact it turned out so well between us.  
My parents were still mad at me but they were curious. I practically didn’t leave my room and that made them want to break the ice. They kept coming to my room to look at what I was spending the most of my time on and as soon as they grasped the point, they even began to talk to me. But because I knew they still needed a lot of time, I didn’t try to develop a conversation with them. I let them take steps as big as they wanted. However, even those microscopically small steps were making me incredibly happy. It was one of many things that gave me the strength to make some extra effort. But this tempo was not everlasting.  
At this point, I needed to take a break. Urgently. It was hard for me to focus on anything and my thoughts were constantly wandering away. My stomach was growling from hunger, my throat was dry and my head was actually empty. So yes, I really needed it. That’s why I didn’t refuse Yixing when he called me with an offer to have lunch together.  
“Please, tell me you’re not going to jilt me this time, like always.” It came to my ear from the phone, his sweet but sad voice forcing me to squeal at him.  
“Actually, I’m glad you called. Please take me out, I’m going insane!” I leaned back in the chair and put my swollen legs on the desk.  
“Fine, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” His voice brightened with joy and he was about to end the call.  
“No, wait!” I stopped him. “I’ll take the bus, it’s better that way.”  
“Is it really such a problem? Why can’t I pick you up?” The joy disappeared from his voice.  
“Right now, I need to make the right decisions and step in the right spots. If my parents saw you here, it would be a step or two backwards.”  
“Okay, as you wish. Let’s meet at the corner of my street.”  
“All right, bye.” I ended the call, put my phone back on the desk and then sighed.  
He has lost his sense of responsibility recently. We had to be careful, there was no reason for us to be exposed. That’s why he himself had rejected me before. _It seems that love really darkens even the brightest mind._

 

 *******  


“Finally, we haven’t seen each other for so long. I couldn’t stand it any more!” He pressed himself against me when we hid in an adjacent but completely empty aisle.  
“It’s only been a few days.” I laughed because he behaved so childishly, that intellectual professor.  
“You literally locked yourself up in your room. You rejected my invitations and sometimes you didn’t even pick up my calls!” He pulled away from me to view me and check if I was okay. But really, there was nothing wrong with me.  
“Sometimes even I have to go to pee, you know?”  
We both ignored this note. It was a little too early to laugh at it. We better came out of the aisle, walking at a safe distance from each other. It was a small family restaurant, we were seated at a table for two.  
“What do you want? I’ll order it.” He smiled at me from the other side of the table.  
He looked unusually good today. I loved it when he styled his hair up, like this day. The black leather jacket was a great choice and the simple white T-shirt along with the plain blue jeans was his second classic, right after a black suit and a white shirt. I smiled back at him. In my skintight mustard yellow dress, black coat and black high heels, I felt quite good myself.  
“I’m very hungry, just order whatever you want and I’ll eat it. For a drink, I’ll have just water.”  
“Okay, baby.” He winked at me, then turned to the waitress and waved at her.  
She rushed over to our table, ready to take our orders with a booklet and a pen in her hands. “What can I get you?”  
“A big portion of grilled chicken wings and water for a drink.”  
“Sure. And for your girlfriend?” She looked at us with a smile on her face and it painfully reminded me of something that already happened a couple of months ago. But this time, it was supposed to turn out differently.  
“But I’m not his-”  
“My girlfriend will have the same as me,” he interrupted me.  
The blonde waitress wrote everything down and then walked away. I stayed staring at Yixing as if I was absent-minded.  
“What?” He bit his lips to avoid smiling at me suspiciously. He knew it well but he decided to act like he didn’t.  
“I am your girlfriend?” I finally spoke.  
“And who else do you think you are?” He tilted his head, curiosity reflecting in his eyes. However, the question he asked me was important. _Who was I in relation to him?  
_ “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it like that,” I admitted. I realised that we were here for each other but I never dared to name our relationship and it seemed like he was upset with it.  
“So to make it clear,” he said, leaned closer to me over the table and lowered his voice to the minimum, “I’m not risking my job and your future only for some meaningless fucking!” He looked deep into my eyes and they told him that for a second, he scared me a little. “I love you, okay?” He spoke with a little softer tone now.  
“I know you do.” _But I still don’t believe it._ “I love you, too. More than you think,” I said with an urgent tone.  
His face brightened up with a smile, he reached across the table to give me a peck on my forehead and then he sat back down. In that moment, the waitress brought our meals.  
For the rest of our dining, the atmosphere was pleasant and very entertaining. We talked about lots of things – from the university to his childhood dream to become a postman when he’s grown up. His childhood dreams were quite innocent. _I wonder what was the point when it turned the other way round._  
“I loved dogs and maybe that’s why I wanted to break the stereotype that every postman is afraid of dogs.” He laughed at it and I laughed with him. He must have been really special, that can’t be denied.  
Suddenly, I felt a strange tingling sensation in the back of my head...like that one when you’re walking on a street and the person behind is continuously staring at you. A shiver ran down my spine so I stopped laughing.  
“What’s wrong?” Yixing immediately noticed that something’s odd.  
Instead of answering, I turned around, one hundred percent convinced I’ll catch someone who stares at me brashly. But there was no one. I turned back around warily and the only thing I saw was some girl disappearing behind the door but I had little time to look at her properly. It kind of derailed me.  
“Will you tell me what’s wrong with you?” He sounded impatient and scared. But I decided to let it be. It was probably just a weird feeling.  
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” I lifted the corners of my mouth, hoping he would believe me. When he nodded and smiled back at me, I took the glass full of water in my hand and emptied it out. “Shouldn’t we go now?”  
“Yeah, let’s go.” He left some money on the table, even paying for my meal.  
There was nobody in front of the restaurant – not many people were out at this time. He came a step closer to me and put one of his hands on my lower back.  
“Why don’t you come to my place,” he whispered.  
“Not today.” I put my hands on his chest to make a little more space between us. He leaned in for a kiss, not caring about it.  
“I miss you.” He sucked in my lower lip.  
“Please,” I moaned into the kiss, “I can’t. I have to study.”  
He pulled back from me, frustrated expression and an unhealthy hungry look in his eyes. “I know I advised you to not underestimated anything but you’re overdoing it a little. I need you...” He leaned head on my forehead and exhaled to let out the air which has accumulated in his lungs.  
“I promise I’ll find some time soon. Okay?”  
“Okay,” he capitulated and kissed me goodbye. “Don’t forget to let me know you got home safely, hm?” He let me out of his arms and shovelled his hands deep in his pockets.  
“I will. Go now.” I waved at him a turned on my heel.  
I pulled the coat I was wearing closer to my body and took a shortcut through a peaceful looking aisle. But half-way through, something or rather someone forced me to stop moving by calling my name.  
“Jung Hyejin!”


	26. Chapter 25

I froze on the spot. The moment I heard my own name, I knew everything has gone wrong. This person, who has just called my name, knew us and saw us together. We’ve been exposed. I turned around, terrified but determined to face the person who was just holding a fateful combination of cards in his hands. But as soon as I caught a glance of the familiar face, the weight of the world fell off of my shoulders. I sighed in relieve.  
“Yejin-ah!” I rushed to her and the flood of emotions shot up all the way to my hands which wrapped around her neck. I hugged her tightly, refusing to let her go out of my arms. “Oh my goodness, you scared me so much!” I completely circumvented the fact that she now knew a shard of my secret.  
“I saw it all, Hyejin-ah.” She pulled back from me. “I think you have some explaining to do.”  
I nodded agreeably. “What about a glass of wine? I’ll tell you everything.”  
She agreed and so we went to the bar right at the corner. It was still quite early in the afternoon and the bar was almost empty, its atmosphere was calm and quiet, except the music playing in the background. We sat by a table which was well hidden from the open space of the unused dance floor and besides the occasional visits of the waiter, nobody will disturb us. We ordered a glass of white wine and a bowl of salted peanuts. We both slowly relaxed and when the right had come, I began talking about it myself.  
“I’ll tell you everything, right from the start.” I leaned my elbows against the table and made myself comfortable.  
“I don’t want to hear any other version than the one from the start,” she joked and then put the glass of wine to her lips to let the liquid slowly flow into her mouth.  
“You were right back then, in autumn.” I did the same. With every other sip of wine, my courage increased and I was able to spill the beans.  
“With what?”  
“That I liked him. From the first time I saw him. He messed with my head before I could even notice. I fell in love with him too fast.” I took a handful of peanuts and put them in my mouth. Slowly and thoroughly, I chewed them to give Yejin a bit of time to absorb the information I have given her so far. And we were only at the very beginning.  
“When did you tell him?”  
“Much later after I realised it myself. We've walked a long and thorny path to this point, you can believe me. So much happened, I don’t even know where to start,” I paused for a little. “Do you remember what happened in Gangneung?”  
“How could I forget that? I still don’t know what you saw there. You didn’t tell me but it must have been something serious that it made you leave for Seoul late at night without even thinking, totally scared and also mad.” Yejin reached the bowl for some peanuts while I took a sip of my wine.  
I was going to tell her something shocking and I needed to encourage myself a bit but I doubt one sip would be enough. Even a whole bottle of wine wouldn’t be enough. I took a deep breath before I opened my mouth.  
“I saw him there. The stripper, it’s him. Lay is Yixing.”  
She burst into a loud laughter and threw her had back. The waiter was just walking past us and he looked at us with a dull but amused look. When she calmed down a bit, she wiped an imaginary tear of laughter away from her cheeks.  
“Yah! That was a good one. But seriously, what did you see there?”  
“That was not a joke, Yejin-ah. Yixing has a double identity – a professor by day, a stripper by night. Lay is something like his alter ego.” I emptied the glass all at once and Yejin did the same.  
“Is there like a hidden camera or something?”  
I envied her because she was untouched by all the shit. She really believed that in a moment, some cameraman would jump from behind the corner, saying ta-da!.  
“Don’t you remember the time when he had an argument with Hayoon during the lesson? Because of the lipstick stain on his shirt. It was a shirt he once wore in the club and it accidentally got mixed up with shirts he wears to school.”  
The expression inher face revealed that the pieces of the puzzle have just started to fit in and made sense to her. “Oh my God, that’s not possible. So professor Zhang has a stripper side job.” Her jaw dropped down to the table. “And...do you know why he does it? Did he tell you?”  
“No, he didn’t. We never talk about it so I’m not able to answer many questions. I’m kinda sensitive to it. Even though he didn’t even know about my feelings at that time, we still had an awful argument about it. At the lesson and then in his office. Maybe you remember.”  
“I do!” She aggressively nodded her head and in the meantime, the waiter brought us another two glasses of white wine.  
“I wanted to tell everything to the University Commission. When I found out my favourite and my beloved professor does something like this, so much disappointment and bitterness accumulated in me. But in the end, he was able to change my mind. I was in love with him so it wasn’t that hard, you know. I would do anything for him and that’s why I agreed to forever keep it a secret just between us.” I immediately took a sip of wine from the newly refilled glass. “And now I’m telling you.”  
“Then you got together?” Yejin literally craved information. She lapped up my every word and when I paused for a little to think my words through, a noticeable wrinkle appeared on her forehead as she was very impatient.  
“Not really. Not long after this incident, I participated in the Chemistry Olympiad. We spent a lot of time together preparing for the competition. It started to come to the surface in this period of time. An insane tension grew between us – not just because we spent so much time together but also because of the secret only we two knew about but never talked about it.”  
“And what happened?”  
“The day the results were released, he invited me to dinner to celebrate it. Then he gave me a lift home. We nearly kissed in front of our house but my mom interrupted us.”  
“Wow, typical,” she said and we both laughed.  
“Yeah, you’re right. It opened my eyes and it gave me a little hope. The next day I went to his office after classes, wanting to finally resolve everything. The tension was still there and at some point, it had to burst. That was the moment.”  
“Did you kiss?” The story I was telling wasn’t the only thing Yejin lapped up. She also ate all the peanuts. The bowl was completely empty.  
“No, we slept together.”  
Yejin nearly choked on the peanuts. She put her glass on the table so aggressively it clinked. She tucked the few blond springs of hair, which fell into her face, back behind her ear and crossed her arms onher chest. The emerald green shirt she was wearing stretched on her.  
“Are you telling me you did it in his office?” She was so out of it. When I nodded silently, she put her hand in front her mouth, her eyes wide open. The blue contact lenses made the look in her eyes even more intense.  
“We did. However, this was not the happy end, as you might think. He backed out of it. Now I know it was for me and also for his own good. He knew we would risk so much. We had another argument and he really hurt me this time. He told me it was a huge mistake that he wanted to forget. I was not able to bear this.” I sipped the wine and shuddered over the memory of these dark times.  
“That’s why you did all those stupid things? Skipping school, drinking alcohol, …” She grabbed my hand and gave me a sympathetic look.  
I nodded. “I suffered a lot. The world fell apart. But it went too far. I was a step away from being kicked out of school, I fought with my parents, … There was just one thing left I could do at that time – I had to bite myself in the ass and go to the only person capable of helping me out of it.”  
“To the professor?”  
I nodded. “I asked him for a help with school. He promised he would do what he can for me. I stopped drinking and started going to school again. And he kept his promise. He asked all the professors for their teaching materials and gave them to me. But what really gave me the strength to stand on my own feet again was that we finally got together thanks to it.”  
“How? I’m dying of curiosity.” Her eyes gleamed. She may have had an idea of how it happened.  
“He invited me to his place to help me with studying. Although he tried to, he couldn’t hold back any more and in the end, I spent the night with him. He confessed to me.”  
“So now, he’s willing to risk his career for you to be able to be together? God, I can’t believe it. I knew something was going on with you behind my back but I would have never imagined it was something like this.” She hid her face in her hands and sighed.  
“Sometimes I still doubt it, too. But... I have to ask you for a favour.” I shifted in my seat and crossed my legs.  
“What favour?”  
“You mustn’t tell anything you heard today to anybody. Please, keep it only to yourself. Pretend like you don’t know, even in front of Yixing. His and my future depends on it. And after today, I think even yours.”  
“You have my word. I’m never telling anybody.” She smiled at me.  
“Thank you, for everything. Even for being able to tell you. You can’t imagine how long I’ve wanted to tell you.” I smiled back at her.  
I realised I had no clue how much time we spent in the bar. I took my phone out from my purse to look at the time and when I looked at it, I almost fainted. I had eight missed calls from Yixing and two messages asking where the hell I was. I decided to call him back.  
“Yejin-ah, please, excuse me for a bit.”  
I went around the corner to have some privacy. I dialled his number and as soon as it started ringing, I became nervous. He didn’t let me wait long.  
“Can you tell me how the fuck it is possible that I still didn’t receive a damn message from you?! You were supposed to let me know you're home safe! Where are you?” He didn’t even greet me, he just scolded me right away. And according to the tone of his voice, it was clear that he had to hold back a lot in order to not scream at me.  
“I’m so sorry. I met Yejin on the way home so we went for a glass of wine. I completely lost the notion of time, I’m sorry.”  
“For a glass of wine? I thought you had to study.” He sounded aggrieved.  
“I know and I’m sorry. We haven't seen each other for a long time and we had just two glasses. We’re about to leave now. I’ll let you know as soon as I get home. This time you can count on it.”  
“Okay. But please, never ever do this again. I thought something has happened to you.”  
“I promise. Goodbye.”  
“Goodbye.” He sighed. “And Hyejin-ah?”  
“Hm?”  
“I love you.”  
“I love you, too.” I ended the call and smiled to myself. Then I went back to Yejin.  
“That was professor Zhang?” I bit down on my lip and nodded. “Oh my goodness, so sweet. But I don’t think I will ever get used to it.”  
We both emptied our glasses and put on our coats. Yejin put some money on the table.  
“It’s on me. For telling me everything.”  
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”  
We said our goodbyes in front of the bar and then went separate ways. As soon as I got home, I sent Yixing a message telling him I was home and already lying in my bed. He texted back that if I didn’t start studying immediately, he would come and take me away to his place, as he originally planned. I thought it really wouldn’t be so bad to just give up on it today and spent the rest of the day, maybe even the night, with Yixing. And it was damn hard to actually get that idea out of my head.


	27. Chapter 26

After some time, I finally got used to my old university routine comfortably. It took some time but I learned to get up early in the morning, I learned to attend school obediently and I learned to find time for studying diligently again. Everything was starting to go back to normal again. The university stopped threatening me with a dropout and my parents forgave me little by little. Once again, I could enjoy them peaceful mornings spent over breakfast with my family together and moreover, the times when I and Yixing were taking the bus to school together came back. That’s what I have missed the most.  
This day’s morning was kind of the same. After breakfast, I said goodbye to my parents and rushed to catch the bus. On the bus, I waited impatiently in my seat for the bus to pull up at the station where Yixing always gets on, to finally see him and kiss him. But before it happened, someone interrupted me from thinking about the way we are going to hide our kiss today.  
“Jung Hyejin! Is that you?”  
The voice sounded familiar to me. It belonged to someone I used to know in my childhood, for sure. To a boy, specifically. I turned to the source of the voice and then I saw him.  
“Omo! Jaewon oppa!” I put my hand in front of my mouth to hide how surprised I was.  
Shin Jaewon was my childhood friend and my classmate. At primary school, I used to be in love with him hopelessly, but I have never told him. Before I could summon up any courage, he moved away with his family. But now, he was there, standing right in front of my eyes. He looked the same, just much more dazzling than ever before. He’s always had strong facial features, slaying all the girls around – but they became even stronger and more masculine. He was wearing black skinny jeans, white T-shirt and a denim jacket. His black hair was cut a little shorter than I remembered, but it suited him very well. That and his height were the only things that changed on him – he grew much taller in those few years. And maybe his muscles grew a bit bigger, not that I noticed in detail.  
“Can I sit next to you?” He waited impatiently.  
I instantly took my bag from the seat and placed it on my lap. “Sure, sit down.”  
In the meantime, the bus pulled up at a station to pick up new passengers.  
“What are you doing here? I thought you were in Australia,” I asked him as soon as he made himself comfortable in his seat.  
“Yeah, we lived there but we weren’t as happy as we thought we would be. I’m back and this time, I’m not leaving.” He looked at me with a bright smile on his face. “It’s so good to see you, Hyejin-ah.”  
“It’s good to see you, too, oppa.” I wrapped my arms around his neck instinctively. With him, I felt like I was thirteen again. His arms wrapped around me too and for a little while, he pulled me really close to himself.  
“Ehm.” Someone cleared his throat. “Good morning, Hyejin-ah.”  
I pulled away from Jaewon and blinked a few times to focus my sight on the figure standing in front of us. It was Yixing and he looked mad. In his typical black suit and white shirt, he was looking down at us from under his glasses, viewing his usual seat which was taken by someone else today, by someone he apparently didn’t like at first glance.  
“Good morning...professor.” I tried not to look terrified but I think I failed. With my eyes I indicated to him to sit elsewhere for today, then I nervously scratched the back of my head. Jaewon noticed my behaviour but he didn’t say anything. Yixing took a deep breath to get rid of his frustration and then he sat down, not far from us.  
“Who was that?” Jaewon asked curiously because he didn’t miss my reaction.  
“My...chemistry professor.” I waved my hand over it. “Soo, now you’re going to attend school here in Seoul?” I quickly changed the topic.  
“Yes, I am. It’s a university near here. I’ll show it to you, the bus pulls up just in front of it.”  
I turned my eyes to him in a shock. “You don’t have to...that’s my university.”  
“Really? Wow, that’s amazing! After several years, we’re going to be schoolmates again, just like before. Isn’t that great?” He turned to me and showed another one of his many smiles I remembered from the past.  
“It really is.” I smiled back at him. “You haven’t changed at all, you know that?” I giggled a little.  
“Maybe. But you’ve changed a lot for sure. You’re almost unrecognisable, I don’t remember you being so pretty.”  
I nudged him in the shoulder and we both laughed at it. “You’ve always been a talented tease.”  
“But seriously. You look really good.” He gave me another smile and I smiled back at him.  
The spirit of our conversation remained quite funny for the rest of the way. We kept on laughing at something, remembering the old times and how carefree they were. We discussed the possibilities of us being at the same class again and argued about it because we knew we probably wouldn’t handle it for more than one lesson since, in the past, we had always been getting on each other’s nerves. I had a good and honest laugh with him and for a moment I forgot about unnecessary worries. When we finally arrived at the university, I wanted to find Yixing and join him to talk to him but before I managed to make my way through the crowd, he was already gone.

 

 *******  


The chemistry lesson went as always, calm and quiet. In the end, Jaewon was assigned to a different class and maybe it was a good thing. At least that’s the feeling I got from Yixing. When the lesson ended, I got up from my chair in a hurry for another lecture, but Yixing’s voice stopped me.  
“Jung Hyejin!”  
“Yes...professor?”  
“I need to talk to you. Go ask the professor if you can skip the class, tell her it’s because of me and immediately after that, come to my office.”  
He took his belongings from his desk and disappeared into his office, slamming the door shut behind him. A few students who witnessed it gave me a surprised look, including Yejin who looked at me with a question in her eyes, signalling to me to wait for others to leave. As soon as we were alone in the classroom, she closed the door and came to me.  
“What is it?” she asked.  
“I don’t know.”  
“Go see him, I’ll tell the professor.” She gestured with her hand.  
I smiled at her thankfully and didn’t hesitate to slip into his office, using the door from the classroom and then closing it behind me. He immediately threw himself at me, controlled by his jealousy, and pushed me against the wall, not far from his stuffed library. He wedged in between my legs, fiercely battled his way into my mouth with his tongue and as soon as his fingers drowned in my hair, I moaned blissfully. The wall behind me was cold and I could feel it despite the dress I was wearing. His other hand wandered under the skirt of my green dress and hooked his fingers under my black lace panties. Another moan escaped my mouth but this time, it drowned in his kisses. I heard him take a sharp breath and that brought me back to reality. I pushed him away from me and breathed in some air too, waiting until my head clears up a little.  
“Are you crazy? Here and now? I’m not going to fuck with you when I’m supposed to be in a math class.” My hands were placed on his shoulders and I was looking right into his clouded eyes.  
His hand ran down my thigh, slipped out from under my dress and moved to my hip from where it wandered up to my breasts and climbed over them, like over the tops of mountains, and then it went to meet my lips. His thumb released my lower lip from the prison of my teeth by pushing it roughly.  
“This all is mine.” His other hand leaned against the wall next to my head. “And I am the only one who can touch it. No one else can.” He bit my ear. “I thought you might have needed me to remind you,” he whispered into my ear and then tried to kiss me but I pressed my hands against his chest to keep him away from me.  
“This body is above all mine. If someone, anyone,” I emphasised the last word, “wants to touch me, they need my permission.”  
“And that guy in the bus had your permission? I saw how he was looking at you, I saw all the accidental touches, I heard how he talked to you. He went all off with the signals and you were lapping up his every word,” he talked indignantly and he tried to read in my eyes what’s in my head.  
“He used to be my childhood friend and my classmate.” I cupped his cheek to make him relax a bit. He brushed his cheek against my palm, closed his eyes and almost purred contently. “What you saw was just a friendly hug. Chill.”  
“He didn’t see it like that, Hyejin-ah.” He opened his eyes again, much calmer and more amiable. I laughed at his reaction, gave him a quick peck and got out of his hug.  
“You’re cute when you’re jealous but I have to go, I have a class.” I winked at him, grabbed my bag and headed towards the door leading to the hall.  
As I was passing by the door to the classroom, I froze. They were open. However, I was sure I closed them when I entered in.  
“Hey, Yixing-sshi, wasn’t the door closed before?” I turned to him and asked him with an interest in my voice.  
“Maybe it’s the door latch. I’ll tell the janitor and he’ll look at it.” He fixed his shirt and smoothed his hair.  
“All right then. Later, love.” I let it go, hastened my steps and rushed to the math class.


	28. Chapter 27

Today at school was hectic. A bunch of preparatory exams was scheduled for this day and I had spent the last night studying thoroughly. Naturally, I was really nervous and even though I knew I was properly prepared for these exams, there was just too much in the game. It was necessary for me to get good grades and keep them for the rest of the term. Many things depended on that – my future, the relationship with my parents and the feeling I hadn’t tortured myself unnecessarily for several weeks.  
Even at the chemistry class, we were supposed to take an exam. Yixing handed the sheets to us right after the bell rang and announced the beginning of our lesson. I didn’t find it hard but it was quite complex and long and when the last student handed in his exam sheet, there was not much time left, hence the decision we’re not going to dedicate the rest of the lesson to studying but we’re rather going to talk about something interesting.  
While he was telling a story, he was not able to hold himself back from looking at me. His eyes kept on slipping in my direction, he was changing looks with me and sometimes even unobtrusive smiles. Every time he did that, a fresh hot blood poured into my cheeks, making them go as red as ripe cherries. At the moment I couldn’t handle the intensity of his stare any longer, I turned towards the back of the class for a moment. I caught a glance of Yejin pouting at me. With her lips, she indicated the word _sweethearts_ and I started giggling silently. I slowly turned my head back to the front but before that, I had noticed Song Hayoon gazing at me, her eyes dark and full of something indefinite. She was curiously watching all three of us, me, Yejin and Yixing. I got scared a little and quickly darted my eyes into the blackboard, trying to focus on Yixing’s story. However, I fatally failed that, because I could feel Hayoon’s curious and suspicious gaze on the back of my head until the very end.  
During the break, I met Jaewon in the halls and we started talking. Hayoon passed us, she looked at me contemptuously but then she just continued walking away. I found it weird and it made me feel uncomfortable. I have been attending this school for some time now and during that time, I was able to find out that if Hayoon doesn’t like anything, she does not let it be. And from the look in her eyes I got the feeling that right now, she didn’t like something specific about me. She has always been problematic, going into clashes here and there and I had experienced it myself a few times. The fact that she kept her mouth shut and just passed by me, not telling me directly what she thought in that moment, was at most striking but she must have had a reason. I had a weird feeling inside – a feeling that something is going on. More precisely, that Hayoon was up to no good.  
“Hey, Hyejin-ah...” Jaewon nervously scratched the back of his head and spoke to me, bringing me back to reality. “Do you want to go out with me?” He stood right in front of me to be able to look into my eyes.  
“Yeah, sure, why no-” I stopped. “Wait, what?”  
“You know, like on a date.” He pulled the strap of his bag on his shoulder and his other hand dove deep down into the pocket of his jean jacket.  
I was not sure if I heard him right. I immediately forgot about Hayoon and her intrigues. The thought of my thirteen-year self, who would have given everything for this to happen, flashed through my head. But I was not thirteen any more. I was grown up and in love with someone else.  
“Jaewon oppa, I... I’m sorry, I can’t.” I bit my lower lip and gave him an apologetic look. Rejecting him was as much hurtful as being rejected.  
He sighed grumpily. “You know... I knew everything back then. And I was such a fool because I didn’t know how to react. But now, God knows why, I got a second chance and I have a feeling like I shouldn’t give up on it.”  
He made a step towards me and forced me to look up at him. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous. His height did make me nervous. Just like the things he was saying.  
“I was really in love with you once, Jaewon oppa. But that has changed. And as you said, I have changed, too. Not just on the outside. I’m a completely different person now and there are things happening around me you don’t want to have anything to do with.” I took a step away from him so I wouldn’t feel so small and surrounded by his muscles.  
“Are you with anybody right now?” I could read in his eyes. They were full of disappointment, regrets and sorrow.  
“I am.” I nodded slowly and smiled at him slightly.  
“Can you tell me who it is?” He too was smiling now. Genuinely but anguished.  
“Someone I love a lot.”  
“Well, in that case, I wish you nothing but the best. Would you mind if I hugged you one last time?” He looked down at his feet and waited for my answer impatiently.  
I didn’t say anything and just wrapped my arms around his neck. I tiptoed to be able to reach him more easily and pulled him closer to me for a little while. He hugged me tightly and buried his nose in my hair. His arms were warm and comfortable. I knew that he wasn’t mad at me – he acquiesced to what I said to him. I knew that in the future, I would be able to count on him as a friend I will have on my side.  
When we pulled away from each other, we said goodbye for today. I let him leave to organise his thoughts and feelings in privacy. As I was looking after him sadly, my phone rang. It was like the man who was calling me could sense that someone was circling around the girl who belonged to him. I picked up.  
“What about a dinner tonight?” It came to my ear from the phone. As soon as I heard his voice, my shaken heart jumped with joy.  
“Hmm, that sounds like a good plan for a Friday evening.” I bit my lip and smiled to myself.  
“Seven o’clock, I’ll pick you up near your house, okay?” I could hear the excitement in his voice.  
“That would be great,” I agreed with his plan.  
“All right then, I’ll see you in the evening. Wear something sexy.” He then hung up.  
I had to laugh to myself. I was almost sure that he had something on his mind.


	29. Chapter 28

I dressed exactly as Yixing wanted for the dinner planned for this evening. Sexy and defiantly. I chose to wear a red mini dress with thin straps and decent v-shaped neck. I complemented it with red velvet high heels and a red velvet clutch bag and as if that was not enough red, I secretly stole my mom’s favourite red lipstick. I grounded everything with a black warm coat. I let my hair loose and used my most favourite and also the most expensive perfume I owned. And because I had no clue it would trigger a certain chain of events tonight, I hid black lace underwear under my dress.  
Yixing picked me up at the corner of the street just to make sure no one would see us. When I opened the car door, sat in the passenger’s seat and crossed my long and exposed legs inside the car, Yixing didn’t forget to add few comments and hungry looks.  
“You look stunning, love.” He leaned in for a kiss which became a hot promise of today’s night. He was classically dressed in one of his many black suits but this time, he even wore a tie. A red one.  
“Thank you.” I smiled at him and fixed my dress.  
We set out to the restaurant which not far from Yixing’s flat block and it looked luxurious. He held the door for me and as I was passing by him, I curiously looked around. Everything looked very neat – padded chairs, pure white tablecloths and crystal chandeliers warmed one up with a feeling of luxury, along with the solemnly dressed staff who obediently danced to the customers’ tune. The usher sat us down to a table for two near to a miniature fountain which was bubbling and fizzing – it made me feel relaxed and maybe even a bit sleepy. But the small orchestra, consisting of a few members playing the piano, violin, harp and many other instruments I could not even name, was taking care of keeping the customers awake and amazed. A stay in a restaurant like that was highly pleasant. The waiters would carry me on their hands if they could but because they couldn’t, they at least compensated it with a top service and meals cooked by ones of the best chefs. They cared for us to a degree exactly matching our needs. Every time we needed something, the waiters appeared at our table and brought it to us but otherwise, they left us with total privacy. Yixing used that in the middle of our dining and he started off at first an innocent but later very dangerous game.  
“I have never noticed how long your legs are,” he noted and put the glass full of red wine to his lips.  
“Is there anything else you haven’t noticed?” I decided to play with him. I imitated his movement and slowly took a sip of the wine.  
“I also haven’t noticed how pale your skin is. Now that you’re wearing so much red, you look like you were made from porcelain which is too fragile for someone to touch it. Even so, I want to break you and crush you every single night.” He loosened his tie to be able to breathe more deeply.  
“Fragile things are meant to be broken and crushed.” I leaned against the soft back of the chair and crossed my legs.  
“Take off your panties.”  
I gasped for air. “What?” My leg slid back down to the ground as I jerked. I leaned closer to him over the table. “Here and now? You’re crazy, aren’t you?” I lowered my voice to the minimum and looked over my shoulder to check if someone was listening.  
“Here and now. Take them off,” he repeated and his lips curled up into a slight smile.  
I inconspicuously reached under the table and clutched the hem of the black lace under my dress. I slightly lifted up on the chair and I slowly began to pull the panties down off my thighs. When they fell down to my ankles, I stepped out of them with one foot and lifted the other one to be able to reach them more easily. I crumpled them into a ball and looked over my shoulder once again. No curious looks around. I turned my sight to him and waited for him to give orders.  
“Now, hand them over to me.”  
He reached under the table with his hand. I gave them to him and instinctively pulled my dress lower and pressed my knees together. As Yixing saw what he held in his hand, his longing eyes lighted with a tiny little sparkle.  
“Black lace?” He bit his lower lip and quickly hid the panties in the breast pocket of his jacket. “Exactly my style.”  
With interest, I watched him waving at the waiter who appeared at our table just seconds later.  
“Can we have the bill?” he spoke vigorously and impatiently.

 

 *******  


For quite some time, we were just lying on the bed, covered in blankets and tangled up with each other. I had my head laid on his chest and I was running my fingers down his chest to his abs and back up. I wouldn’t mind lying here with him like that forever.  
“I am so happy, finally. I have everything – you, loving parents, friends and good university... I literally have everything I want and I need. It feels good.” I pressed my lips against the skin on his shoulder.  
“ _You_ make _me_ happy. I was all alone before and I always thought I didn’t need anybody. But you have opened my eyes. I need you as much as I need to breathe.” He breathed in my scent and purred blissfully.  
“My parents are away for the weekend. What about a nice evening at my place tomorrow? I’ll cook, you’ll light the candles and then we can spend the night together.” I lifted up on my elbows to be able to look in his eyes.  
“I... I can’t this weekend. I already have something.” He cleared his throat. He was lying to me, I knew it. And because he couldn’t lie into my eyes, he looked away. I got out of his arms, sat on the bed and held the blanket close to my body.  
“You’re going to Gangneung, aren’t you?”  
He didn’t answer. Instead, he sat on the bed and dropped his feet to the cold ground. He threw away the blanket and got out of the bed.  
“So you are,” I answered myself and jumped to my feet. I quickly started dressing up so I could get out of here as soon as possible. The romance of the moment has vanished irreversibly. Yixing came to me and grabbed my wrist.  
“Hey, where are you going?”  
“Home,” I said abruptly. Right now, I needed to get out of his reach. There was rage flowing through my veins besides blood and it was better to just left before I could say or do something I would regret later on.  
“Let me give you a lift at least. It’s late.” He understood that it was worthless to try to persuade me to stay.  
I agreed so we got dressed and then left his flat to get in the car. We stayed silent the whole ride. None of us dared to talk to the other one. It was already difficult to breathe the air in the car, heavy due to the tensed atmosphere. The moment the car pulled up in front of my house, I unfastened the belt and opened the door to get out of his car. But his hand stopped me.  
“I’m really sorry, Hyejin-ah, but I have to go there,” he spoke with a defensive tone in which I could tell he was keeping his distance for the good of both of us.  
“Go. I don’t care. I’ll cope with it somehow.” I pulled away from his grip, got out of the car and slammed shut the door behind me. I ran into my house and didn’t look after him a single time.  
The next morning, I was no longer that brave. I literally suffered thinking about with whom and what he was doing or he is going to do there in the nightclub. It was absolutely nerve-wrecking and it just didn’t let me relax. I cursed at myself for letting him go there and I was marching around the house, trying to get the thoughts out of my head. However, in the end, I failed so I packed my bag and booked a ticket to Gangneung.


	30. Chapter 29

In the afternoon, I got on the bus from Seoul to Gangneung, convinced that the next morning, I would be coming back home alone and soppy. I decided to stand for my opinion no matter what – even if it cost me everything. And I sensed that I and Yixing wouldn’t be able to agree with each other in this matter.  
The journey took almost three hours and I was thinking about how it could go the whole time. I tried to plan how to start, how to continue and also how to end. I took all the possibilities into consideration, I tried to imagine how Yixing could react and I thought about what reactions would be acceptable to me. I wanted to prepare for it as much as I could so I wouldn’t be that hurt.  
I arrived in Gangneung late in the evening. When I got off the bus, I took a deep breath, inhaling the cold night air which cleansed my lungs as well as my brain and left behind a fresh feeling and a promise of the slowly coming May. I decided not to prolong it – I didn’t need any accommodation because I knew I wouldn’t want to spend any other minute here after what was going to happen and so I headed towards my destination, to the nightclub where I met Yixing that one time, straight away. It was much closer to the bus station than I remembered.  
The moment I stood in front of the eye-catcher and the neon lights which were shining brightly in the dark, different kinds of emotions took over me and in the end, they mixed into one single emotion. Fear. However, I quickly got inside before anyone could notice a young girl in light blue jeans, white shirt and with a backpack on her back, trying to enter a nightclub.  
I appeared in a familiar environment and the memories began to come back - memories of the times when I had lived in sweet ignorance when I had thought only innocent thoughts and had only innocent feelings. The music here was loud and spreading all over the club, giving me a pounding headache. The men – strippers – were dancing, stripping their clothes down and making out with women who glared at them and touched the spots that could be considered forbidden. I walked through the club, looking around all the people in here, trying to find the one target for whom I was now here and not home, in my bed. In the end, I was able to find him after some time. However, until now, I didn’t realise how much I actually wished I wouldn’t see him there.  
I recognised him the moment I saw him. His raven black hair was styled up, making him look a little harsher than normal. He was wearing black leather and horribly skinny trousers, proudly displaying his firm butt in them. His pale blue satin shirt was half-unbuttoned, exposing his chest and his abs. I had no doubt that he was soon planning on unbuttoning the rest of it. The lady circling around him while he was dancing was a bit rude. She was staring at him blatantly, she was touching him and her touches weren’t innocent at all. Quite possibly, she was just about to use his close proximity to try to kiss him. And I stood there, petrified and forced to look at this all with my own eyes.  
He soon noticed me and as our eyes met, mine filled with tears and his surprised and frightened, he stopped dancing and pushed her away from himself. She just shook her head in disbelief and moved away from him, holding a beer bottle in her hand. For some time we just stood there, staring at each other, unable to do anything. I felt the end coming so I thought I had to enjoy the last look at his pretty face before I turn away and get out of here because I will never truly understand this. However, after a little while, he made one hesitant step closer and when he made sure I won’t run away, he quickly got rid of the distance which separated us from one another. He grabbed my arm and dragged me away from what had happened before my eyes. He led me to a quiet and calm room, full of mirrors, one sofa and a huge divider. It was one of the V.I.P. lounges reserved for clients who paid extra for a private show. Another memory came to the surface of my thoughts.  
“What the hell are you doing here?” He released my hand and nervously ran his fingers through his hair. It was visible on his face that he immediately regretted the way he spoke to me.  
“I lied. I do care. A lot,” I answered him, tears already rolling down my hot cheeks. “I can’t cope with this. I love you and I’m capable of doing anything for you. Just not this. If you continue doing this, we can’t be together. And that’s why I’m begging you, Yixing-sshi – please, quit it.” I turned my eyes, full of tears, away from him so I wouldn’t feel that vulnerable.  
“But, Hyejin-ah, I have already done that. This is my last weekend in Gangneung.”  
My heart stopped beating and my tears stopped falling down. It took my breath away and I was about to choke. I turned my averted face back to him. When I saw his honest eyes, I threw myself at him. A stone of the size of a globe fell off my heart and I could finally breathe properly.  
“Are you serious?” I buried my nose in his neck and sighed loudly.  
“Deadly serious.” He kissed my forehead and his hand stroked my head soothingly. Then he pulled back from me just a bit and looked down at me with his dark chocolate brown eyes. “But there’s just one thing I have to finish. The last dance.”  
I let go of his arms and crossed mine on my chest in a defensive gesture. “For whom? For that slobbery chick?” I tried not to show my frustration and act like nothing but unluckily, I made a loud sigh of disapproval and turned my sight away from him.  
“No,” he laughed and got my attention back.  
I looked back at him. “So for whom then?”  
“For you.” His shirt was still half-unbuttoned and my eyes slid down to his exposed chest. He captured the uncertainty in my eyes and took my hand. He led me to the sofa and gestured to sit down. “I’ll finish what I started and couldn’t finish the last time. Back then, when we accidentally met there.”  
He leaned in for a kiss and gently bit my lower lip. I let out a loud moan. He took a breath and pulled back from me, reached for the remote control and the room came alive with the same music which was playing in the club. He made a few steps backwards and reached the buttons of his shirt.  
The pale blue satin slipped down his shoulders and ended up on the black carpet.


	31. Chapter 30

A few days have passed in a relatively calm and happy spirit. May has come, along with the sun, pretty warm weather, blooming trees and also the threats of the examination period nearly knocking on the door. However, it didn’t bother me at all. I was not on my own any more. I had Yixing and I have never been surer of his presence at my side.  
Ever since he quit his peculiar side job, everything was all right between us. The fact that he did it because of me meant a lot to me and in exchange for giving me so much, I gave him all of me and even more. I had a feeling like happy tomorrows were just around the corner. _Of course, feelings are always just feelings._  
Eventually, every other problem I had has been resolved smoothly. In terms of school, it was me again – that old Jung Hyejin, a nerd who has never got any other mark than an A in an exam and regularly attends her lectures. The rebellion phase has been forgotten, both at school and at home. Thanks to all that, I finally let my poor soul rest a bit – I stopped worrying about every little peanut and I tried to enjoy my ordinary but beautiful life. I just ceased to be alert.  
I should have never done that.

 

 *******  


“I can’t believe it’s going to end soon. We have successfully survived the first year.” Yejin threw herself into the chair in our school cafeteria. On the contrary, I sat down in my chair sophisticated.  
“Well, don’t forget about finals.” I bit into my sandwich and shuddered over the idea that school was soon going to end and I wouldn’t meet Yixing daily.  
“That will be nothing. And then it will be over!” She clapped her hands and put on a dumb smile. I just reservedly nodded and sipped some of my apple juice. “You’re not happy about the fact that it’s gonna be summer holidays soon?” She straightened up and looked at me surprised. When she noticed my expression, she got it and sighed knowingly. “It’s about him, right?”  
“I don’t know how I’m gonna survive without him!” I whined.  
“So you’re still in the infatuation phase, huh?” She giggled because she was obviously thinking of something naughty. _Kang Yejin, ladies and gentlemen.  
_ “Kind of.” I stuck my tongue out at her and then bit into my sandwich once again.  
“Well, I guess you two can enjoy your little games even during the holiday,” she paused because I threw the sandwich wrapper at her, “and I’m sure he’s got a lot planned for the summer holidays,” she finished and started laughing.  
“Stop blabbing!” I laughed as well.  
“But seriously, he’s so into you, I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you.”  
“He’s amazing. Every now and then, I still wonder if it’s actually real or not.” I leaned backwards, dreamy expression in my face.  
“Yeah, I know right. But I wish for you to be happy.” She smiled at me and drank her juice.  
“Thank you, Yejin-ah. It’s a relief to have someone I can talk to.” I smiled back at her, chewed the last piece of my sandwich, drank the last drop of my juice and grabbed my backpack. “I need to get some books from my locker. I’ll see you at the lecture.”  
“Sure.” She waved her hand at me.  
I left the cafeteria and headed to my locker. Because I forgot to take some books with me this morning, I had to get them before the afternoon classes started. All I needed were those stupid books. However, I discovered something else in my locker. Something that completely spoiled my day.  
I opened my locker and inside I found a white, medium-sized envelope with my name written on it. I wondered who put it there. I took it along with the books I needed and closed the locker. I originally wanted to head to the classroom straight away and leave it for later but my curiosity overwhelmed me so I ripped the envelope on the spot. Inside, there was a nicely folded, chalk white office paper which smelled familiar. I unfolded it and discovered a few sentences written with a blue pen. I embarked on reading the content of the letter.  
 _I know it. I know all of it. About you and professor. I know what you do in his office when he calls you in for a consultation. I know that every Friday, you walk into his flat where you spend the night with him and you don’t walk out until Saturday morning. I know the reason they haven’t kicked you out of school yet is him. I know everything about you two. And I’m willing to report everything to the University Commission unless you end things with him immediately. xxxAnonymxxx_  
I dropped every single thing I held in my hands to the ground. The books fell to the ground and made a loud noise while the letter flew to the ground silently, with ease. I didn’t believe my own eyes. That couldn’t be true. I looked around, shocked, searching for a suspicious person who could have possibly left this letter in my locker. Searching for someone who’s watching me while sneering. But they were all watching me. All the students in the halls were looking at me like they would at a fool, they were whispering and staring at the books scattered on the ground. I better bent down to the ground, trying to clean the mess I’ve made.  
One of my classmates, a girl I know from English classes, rushed to me to help me with the books. She noticed the letter, took it in her hand and before she handed it over to me, she tried to read through it quickly. I reached out as fast as I could and pulled the letter out of her hands.  
“I’ll handle it myself, thanks.” I smiled at her and quickly grabbed the rest of my things. I folded the sheet of paper several times and put it in the back pocket of my jeans. “I have to go.” I turned around and made my way through the crowd of people watching me, as fast as possible.


	32. Chapter 31

I hurried to the chemistry class. I got there on time but as soon I as I sat in my seat, my soul practically left my body. I didn’t hear the bell rang and I didn’t even realise that Yixing had already entered the classroom. I couldn’t focus at all and I was not able to perceive anything, my thoughts had wandered into a completely different world. That blackmail really caught me out of guard, I couldn’t stop thinking about what was written in it.  
 _I know it. I know all of it. About you and professor. I know what you do in his office when he calls you in for a consultation. I know that every Friday, you walk into his flat where you spend the night with him and you don’t walk out until Saturday morning. I know the reason they haven’t kicked you out of school yet is him. I know everything about you two. And I’m willing to report everything to the University Commission unless you end things with him immediately. xxxAnonymxxx  
_ I could still see all the words in my head so vividly. _Who could have left this in my locker? How did they know all this? And why did they care about me and Yixing so much?_ These and many others thoughts were spinning in my head. I was trying to come up with someone who could have been behind all this. However, the puzzle was so complicated and I just didn’t manage to come up with the right piece that would fit in. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t think of anybody who would have benefited from our break up. I was simply clueless.  
Someone nudged me and that interrupted my thinking. “Hey, Hyejin-ah!” he whispered.  
I turned to Choi Taewook to ask what he wanted but he warned me with his expression, pointing his finger in the direction of the blackboard. I came back to reality, just to find out that everyone was staring at me, including Yixing who was standing next to the blackboard, his arms crossed on his chest and his piercing brown eyes scrutinising me with both, angry and troubled look.  
“Hyejin-ah? Are you back with us?” He cleared his throat, indicating I should collect myself quickly.  
“What?”  
The whole class burst out laughing.  
“Quiet!” Yixing tried to calm the students down but he succeeded only partially. Most of them continued to be amused by my total confusion. “I’ve asked you a question, Hyejin-ah.”  
“I-I’m sorry, professor, I didn’t hear you.” I lowered my sight and looked at my hands, clasped in my lap.  
“Are you all right?” I could hear the concern in his voice.  
I looked into his eyes and nodded inconspicuously to let him know that he doesn’t have to worry. “Yes, I’m all right, professor and I apologise. I was lost in my thoughts. What was the question?”  
I answered the question he asked me and then we both got over it gracefully. However, that was not the case for the rest of the class. Until the very end of the lesson, I had to listen to my classmates whispering about me, about how weird I am and about what happened in the halls just before the lesson started. They were just stupid blabbers in the middle of the lesson but it made me more nervous than I needed. At this time, if someone else managed to connect all the points together and discover what’s happening between me and Yixing, it would close every possible escape door.  
As soon as the lesson came to an end, I grabbed my belongings and hastened my steps. The classroom felt tremendously stuffy and I couldn’t endure being there any longer – whether it was real or not. But just like always, when I was trying to escape from something, Yixing got in my way.  
“Jung Hyejin!”  
I stopped on the spot and turned to him. “Yes, professor?”  
“Can you?” He pointed at the door of his office. “Just for a minute.”  
I made a noise in agreement, pulled the strap of my backpack on my shoulder and clutched it in my hand. I slowly came up to him and followed him all the way to his office. He closed the door behind us and made sure we were able to talk to each other comfortably.  
“What’s up with you?” He sat on the couch. I reluctantly stepped from one foot to another, already making believable excuses in my head. “And don’t try to make excuses.”  
He patted the spot next to him. I sighed frustrated. _Is it really necessary that this man knows exactly what I’m thinking?  
_ “Fine.” I sat next to him and put my backpack aside.  
“So, what is it? School? Your parents? Tell me.” He shifted on the couch to sit closer to me and rubbed the back of his hand against my cheek. His pleasantly warm touch was what gave me the courage. Together. In both good and bad.  
Still a little unsure, I pulled the folded sheet of paper from the back pocket of my jeans and handed it to him. He gave me a surprised look.  
“What’s that?” he asked me, looking for the answer even in my eyes.  
“Read it.” I gestured with my hand, pointing at the letter.  
Yixing put on his glasses and unfolded the paper. Before he started reading, he smoothed out the creases a bit. I was sitting next to him, watching the features of his face in order to be able to capture any reactions and I patiently waited for him to finish reading. The moment he read the last words of the letter, he took off his glasses, lifted his head up from the wrinkled paper and looked into my eyes blankly.  
“Who gave this to you?”  
“Somebody left it in my locker.” I crossed my arms onmy chest. “What are we going to do about this?”  
“Nothing.” He crumpled the paper again and got up from the couch to throw it out.  
I jumped up to my feet, surprised by his reaction. “What do you mean by nothing?” I raised my voice at him, shocked by the apathy.  
Yixing turned to me and grabbed my shoulders. “Listen, Hyejin-ah. The best thing we can do right now is to stay quiet. The fact that they remained anonymous suggests that they’re scared. They just want to intimidate us but in reality, they won’t do a thing. Don’t worry about it, it’s just a stupid piece of paper and we can’t let it shake us. If we show them we’re not scared of them, they’ll give up,” he spoke with an urgent tone in his voice, trying to persuade me to just ignore it.  
“Honestly, I don’t think so. Just the fact that this person somehow knows everything scares me. Whoever it is, they can use it against us anytime.” I went to the window and looked outside, at the street full of people dealing with their own problems.  
He came up to me and hugged me from behind. “Did you tell anybody?”  
I became stiff, my body was frozen. _Kang Yejin._  
He noticed and turned me around to face him. “Hyejin-ah? Answer me.”  
“I... I told Yejin.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes.  
The proximity of his body was gone suddenly. I lifted my sight from the ground and moved my eyes on him. His fingers drowned in his black hair and a sarcastic grin appeared on his face.  
“I can’t believe it. What were you thinking when you spilledeverything?” He took off his navy blue jacket and threw it on the couch.  
“She saw us together. I had no choice!” I covered the distance he created between us. “Above that, I don’t believe she would tell anybody.”  
He looked down at me from his perspective. “Are you sure she’s not the one who left the letter in your locker?” he said ironically.  
I looked at him shocked and before I let my body fall on the couch and then hid my face in my palms. The tears started to burn in my eyes. “Right now I’m not sure about anything any more.”  
I felt how the couch sagged beneath his weight next to me. One of his hands soothingly stroked my back and the other one reached my hand and locked out fingers together.  
“If you want to, talk to Yejin. Ask her about it. But if you don’t, forget it. I’m sure that these are just words and they won’t turn into actions. Everything’s gonna be okay, you’ll see.”  
He pulled me into a warm embrace. Everything seemed to be all right again in his arms. As if the problems around me couldn’t get to me because he was protecting me with his own body which worked like a shield.  
“You’re right.” I buried my face into his neck and took a deep breath, inhaling his intoxicating scent.


	33. Chapter 32

In the end, I decided to take Yixing’s advice. I ignored the threat and didn’t worry about the blackmail any more. At first, it was quite hard not to think about it and not be scared that someone’s hiding behind every corner, following me and watching my every step but after some time, I finally forgot about everything. It was quiet enough for me to believe that Yixing was absolutely right about it. However, it was just calm before the storm – one so strong that it destroyed my whole world in just a short while.  
I and Yejin were just walking through the halls at our university, talking about completely ordinary things, just like every day.  
“God, I hate exams!” Yejin crossed her arms on her chest and made one of her many unidentifiable noises which could mean something like disgust and aversion.  
“I know, right? I’m fed up with it. But there are only two exams left, biology and math. We’ll make it.” I pressed all the books I was holding in my arms closer to my body. They served me as a shield because I had remembered about math and I immediately felt in danger.  
“We’ll make it?! You’ll make it because you don’t have to move a finger. I’m not so sure about myself.”  
“Just don’t give up on it and you’ll make it, too. You’ve passed all the other exams, so why not these two?” I was laughing at her horrified face but the ringing of my phone interrupted me. “Hold on a second.”  
We stopped in the middle of the hall and moved to the side so we wouldn’t be in others’ way. I checked who was calling me and when I found out it was my mom, I became curious. _She doesn’t usually bother me when I’m at school so it must be something urgent.  
_ “Mom?” I put the phone next to my ear but if only I had known she was about to start yelling at me awfully, I wouldn’t have done it.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” she yelled into the phone and it nearly ruined my ears. I got tingling in my ears and a pounding headache.  
“Jesus, mom! Why are you yelling at me? I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”  
Yejin looked at me inquiringly but I just shook my head. I had no clue what was going on.  
“You’re telling me you don’t know? You’ve got some explaining to do. We’ve received summons from the University Commission.”  
“Wait, what?”  
“What have you done, Hyejin-ah?”  
My mom continued yelling into the phone but I ceased to perceive. I recalled the blackmail and the threats it contained and I instantly understood what was going on.  
“Mom, I’m sorry but I gotta go.” I didn’t even let her finish the sentence and ended the call. I hid my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and covered my eyes with my hand. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.  
“Hyejin-ah, are you okay? You’ve turned so pale.” She placed her hand on my shoulder and pressed it soothingly, I remembered Yixing’s words. _Could I trust Yejin at this moment?_ I pushed her away from me and turned to her so I could look into her eyes. “Hyejin-ah, what are you-”  
“Was it necessary?” I raised my voice at her and gave her a sinister look.  
“What are you talking about?”  
“You wrote the letter, didn’t you?” I didn’t take the people around us into account and let them become witnesses to my explosion of anger. Dozens of people were paying their attention to us.  
“What letter? I didn’t write any letter,” she defended herself but I believed she was the one behind it.  
“Don’t act like you don’t know! No one else knows. You betrayed me!”  
“But I didn’t tell anybody!” She screamed at me and made me lose my nerves for good.  
“Don’t lie! Why did you do it?!” I pushed her and she fell on the lockers.  
The rage flowing in my veins completely overwhelmed me. I threw myself at her and started pulling her hair. At least half of the school was watching us right now. A rumour that some two girls are fighting in the hallway has spread through the university like a virus. And it even got to the professors, too.  
“Stop it!” Somebody’s strong arms pulled me away from Yejin but the didn’t stop me from tossing and kicking around myself as if I was possessed. “Damn it, Hyejin-ah, calm down!” Yixing grabbed my wrist and gave me a twitch. I stumbled and that stopped me for a while. “What the hell is going on in here?”  
“You know it very well. You also received summons, didn’t you?” I hissed at him so only the two of us would hear. He nodded inconspicuously. I got out of his grip and once again headed towards Yejin who was shockingly watching me from the lockers. “You bitch! Why?”  
I raised my hand against her but Yixing was faster and got in my way. “Enough!” He yelled at me and the whole hallway suddenly went quiet.  
I looked at his fingers wrapped around my wrist, at all those people silently watching me, at Yixing and his scornful expression and last but not least, at Yejin who was crying, tears rolling down her cheeks and fear reflecting in her eyes. I realised what I had done. I had made a gigantic scene in front of everyone’s eyes, possibly not even having the right to it. Yixing registered the change in my behaviour and slowly released my wrist.  
I couldn’t stand all those eyes on me but most of all, I couldn’t stand that I lost my nerve for a moment and hurt the only person I could call my friend, not even knowing if she was really the one who got me into this situation. I quickly grabbed all my things and got out of there, taking the shame away with me.  
Everything that followed could have been much easier for me, if I hadn’t lost my nerves at that time, along with my one and only friend.


	34. Chapter 33

“Let’s go through this one more time.” Yixing loosened his tie and turned on his heel as he reached the end of the hallway. He’s been marching here for nearly ten minutes already. “Repeat what we’ve agreed on.”  
“We will deny all accusations, no matter what. Our rescue point is your help with my preparations for the chemistry Olympiad as well as the tutoring you gave me when I was about to be kicked out of this university. We have to make a trustworthy impression and that’s why we can’t forget about the formalities and honorific. You are professor Zhang and I am simply Miss Jung Hyejin. No touches, no eye contacts,” I briefly went through all the points we’ve defined.  
I was sitting in of the many uncomfortable chairs placed all over the school. On the outside, I seemed to be much calmer than Yixing was. However, this was not the case. On the inside, I was slowly falling apart. My heart was beating so fast and so strong my chest was hurting. From time to time I even forgot to breathe. The waiting for what was going to happen inside the Commission office was literally crushing me. I wanted it to be over but at the same time, I wanted it to never happen. In some way, I was hoping for a miracle.  
“Good. We will stick to this and unless we let ourselves be intimidated by them,” he paused and pointed at the huge oak door, “we’ll walk out of this door as the winners.” He made a few quick steps and sat almost beside me, leaving one spot between us free, just in case. “Did you talk to Yejin?”  
“I didn’t have the courage to even look into her eyes after what I’ve done.” I folded my hands in my lap. “I’m still not sure whether it was her or not. Everything leads to her but somewhere deep inside me, I just can’t seem to believe it.” I sighed and leaned my head against the cold wall behind me.  
“After it’s all over, you have to talk to her.”  
“I know.”  
I nodded and in that moment, the door I’ve been hypnotising for the last few minutes finally opened. A young assistant peeked from behind the door, her blonde hair nicely done.  
“Professor, Miss, you can enter the office.”  
With the corner of my eye, I searched for Yixing whose expression was secretly saying I should calm down. I jumped up to my feet and followed him to the Commission office. In the centre of the room, there was a long massive table with three wings directing to three of the cardinal points and therefore creating the letter T. At the head of the table, there were sitting two male and one female commissioner. Behind them was a huge window, offering a look into the busy streets of Seoul. On the occasion of this meeting, the assistant played the role of a recorder and had her place in the corner of the room – she was sitting by her own desk covered in piles of papers, her fingers already running along the keys of an old-fashioned typewriter. I and Yixing both sat down by different sides of the table, opposite each other.  
“Professor Zhang, Miss Jung, good afternoon to both of you. I am the main commissioner Noh,” the commissioner sitting in the middle finally spoke. “I know this procedure is quite non-standard but I thought it would be better if you were both present.”  
“Good afternoon,” I greeted him back, just like Yixing and paid my respect to him by bowing my head.  
“I am certain you both know the reason why we are here. It is, however, my duty to repeat it. A certain person, who wants to keep their identity hidden, had accused you two of some serious allegations. According to their testimony, the two participants – professor Zhang Yixing and Miss Jung Hyejin – maintain a relationship of love despite the fact that the school rules strictly forbid this kind of relationship between a professor and a student. Do the participants want to make a statement?” the commissioner asked offensively.  
All the official bullshit was being recorded by the assistant who was eagerly hitting the keys of the typewriter. Yixing took the word first.  
“These allegations are, of course, fake, unfounded and absolutely unjustified. I do not maintain any kind of relationship with the other participant and this whole meeting is taking place unnecessarily, most likely on the basis of mere whim of some desperate student who, for some reason, has something against me or the other participant,” Yixing spoke very convincingly, almost as if everything he said was true and nothing but true. He was giving off an angry impression but he acted composedly.  
“The other participant, Miss Jung Hyejin, do you want to add something?”  
I took a breath and embarked on playing the role. “I agree with everything professor Zhang had already said. The relationship between me and the professor is non-existent, any kind of relationship between us two has only a platonic character.” I made an eye contact with the main commissioner to add an appropriate value to my words.  
The assistant recorded my statement and immortalised it on the paper which was later going to decide about the near future of us two.  
“All right then.” The main commissioner nodded, accepted several photographs from the hands of the female commissioner on his right and then he put them on the table. “Is there anything you want to tell me about this?”  
I lowered my head to be able to look at the photographs whose surface glistened under the combination of daylight and artificial light. I saw pictures of myself and Yixing entering the tenement house he lives in. I swallowed with a dry throat. _When and who took these damned photos?  
_ I started panicking. None of us thought of this possibility. In this situation, it was necessary to start improvising and I have never been good at improvising. The only thing I was capable of was to dig around in the myriad of thoughts occupying my head. I realised for how damn long we have been tailed by this person and how clueless we have been.  
“These photographs were taken this year, at the beginning of April. They undoubtedly show you two entering a building in which professor Zhang’s flat appears to be,” the commissioner Noh spoke after a while, making me even more nervous.  
Yixing once again took the initiative and saved me for the second time. He took one of the pictures in his hand, thoroughly viewing it from under his glasses. As he lifted his eyes from the piece of glossy photographic paper, a sarcastic grin left his lips.  
“This does not mean anything at all. At these times, I was tutoring Miss Jung and helping her with studying due to her long-term absence in school. This was probably one of many cases when Miss Jung kindly asked me for some studying materials. Is that so, Miss Jung?” he asked me, obviously leading me to a certain answer.  
“Y-Yes, that is true, professor.” I nodded jerkily before I lowered my sight. I had a weird feeling about this – it settled in my belly and from there, it spread into all of my limbs where it caused tingling.  
“You must have been practising this a lot, really.” The main commissioner clapped his hands. His face features hardened and he briefly looked at both of us. “This is the last chance for you two to confess. Your confession would be a mitigating circumstance.” He leaned deep into his chair and crossed his hands on his chest.  
I felt Yixing’s knee touching mine under the table. He got my attention and I looked straight into his eyes for the first time ever since we stepped into this office. They were telling me to stay calm and believe in a happy ending. They were assuring me that everything was going to be okay.  
His eyes still locked with mine, he finally spoke. “There is nothing to confess to,” he said, voice just above the whisper frequency, and in less than a second, he looked away from me, moving his eyes on the main commissioner.  
I did the same, just to see a smarmy grin on the commissioner’s face, clearly telling us that this was not all.  
“You are forcing me to dig up the dirt so I will dig up the dirt.” He laughed and pulled a phone out from the breast pocket of his jacket. He pressed something on the display of it and voices started coming from the device. Our voices.  
“ _Are you crazy? Here and now? I’m not going to fuck with you when I’m supposed to be in a math class.”  
_ “ _This all is mine. And I am the only one who can touch it. No one else can. I thought you might have needed me to remind you.”_  
The main commissioner pressed some button once again and the recording stopped. He studied us both with a triumphal look on his face because he knew this was the ace.  
“I think this was enough as a demonstration of how much we are convinced the allegations are justified. No more words are needed, I think.”  
Now I didn’t doubt that everything was seriously messed up. This was the last drop – a recording of me and Yixing talking about fucking. This was the end and I knew it very well. The shock from what I’ve heard allowed me to really go deeply into myself and figure out when and how the recording was made. I remembered the day Jaewon oppa had appeared for the first time and as he had encountered Yixing, too much testosterone had been in the air. I completely vividly recalled the memory of me, standing in Yixing’s office, pinned to the wall while Yixing had been whispering the words of jealousy into my ear, the exact same ones we’ve just heard in the recording. And I also remembered the door I had closed for sure being mysteriously open. Everything has connected together.  
Yixing struck his fist on the table. “How are you going to prove these are our voices?”  
“We can invite specialists to examine it but I think it is not necessary. I am old but I am not deaf. These voices clearly belong to you two, professor.”  
He was right. It could not be mistaken. It was clearly the two of us and everyone who has heard us speaking would know. We were doomed, we both have come to understand that.  
“Are there any remarks?”  
Yixing hid his face in his palms and as he took a deep breath, his chest came up and then down. Seeing how even Yixing, a person much stronger than me, gave up on hope, was like hitting the hard ground after a long free fall. It hurt like crazy and it tore me to pieces. Silently, I let the tears freely roll down my cheeks. I had no more strength to pretend. I no longer needed it.  
“I am glad there aren’t.” The main commissioner smiled and looked at both of the other commissioners who nodded, agreeing. He put the phone back into his breast pocket and collected all the pictures still lying on the table. He put all the pictures and documents in a folder neatly and handed the folder to the other male commissioner on his left and he put it in his bag. “I think we are ready to make the judgement, my colleagues.”  
All three of them stood up so we imitated them and turned our sights to them. Even the assistant stopped hitting the keys of the typewriter, pushed herself off the table and jumped to her feet.  
“Professor Zhang,” the main commissioner Noh called him out and motioned towards him, “speaking on behalf of the Seoul National University, your contract is being cancelled for inadmissible violation of the internal rules. The same goes for you, Miss Jung,” this time he called out my name and motioned towards me, “speaking on behalf of the Seoul National University, your studies at our university are being terminated for the exact same reason.” He looked at both of us.  
I closed my eyes and prepared myself to absorb his last words which were yet to be heard.  
“With immediate effect.”


	35. Chapter 34

I was standing in front of the entrance door of our house, staring at the glossy dark wood, my suitcase next to my feet. My head was full of different thoughts, vainly trying to process them and figure out how I actually got all the way to this point. In just one day.  
I fought with my parents over what happened earlier this day during the meeting with the Commission. And when I say I fought with them, I don’t mean that type of argument when you lock yourself up in your room and covered in a blanket, you’re thinking of running away from home. No, I mean that type of argument when your parents decide for you. After all, I ended up where I ended up. On the street.  
I still couldn’t get it. My own parents kicked me out of the house, coldly and without remorse. I realised that everything they learned today – such as the fact that I’m dating my chemistry professor and I’m being kicked out of school for that – undoubtedly must have shocked them and apparently even pissed them off but I, however, didn’t see the reason why it couldn’t be resolved in a different way, an easier and not so radical one. But still, I was standing here, in the middle of the night, helpless and left alone by my own family.  
 _Could something go even more wrong?  
_ Despite it was already half of May, the nights were still cold. Before my parents slammed shut the door right in front of me, I didn’t even manage to take my jacket and now, the coolness was tickling me on my exposed skin, sending shivers in my whole body. Thanks to that, I really understood how difficult was my situation. I didn’t even have a place to go and hide from the cold weather. I thought about calling Yejin but only until I remembered what happened between us. There was literally only one place left.  
The only one and the last one I could think of was Yixing. He was the only person who could help me because he understood me and the things happening around me since it was about him as well. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me right now, he probably needed some time for himself without a doubt. But my frozen butt didn’t let me take it into consideration.  
In the end, I actually appeared in front of his door, firmly convinced that when the door opened, it would offer me a view of exhausted and perhaps even devastated Yixing who would let me wrap my arms around his neck and cry on his shoulder. However, someone completely different opened the door instead of him.  
“Song Hayoon?!” I was horrified when I looked at my classmate who was half naked, just in lace underwear, hair messy and make-up smudged.  
“Hyejin-ah? What brings you here?” She leaned her shoulder against the door frame and crossed her arms on her chest. A slight smile formed on her face, hiding a wide range of emotions, from the feeling of victory, through the feeling of satisfaction to a pure hatred.  
“What brings _me_ here? What are _you_ doing here?!” I put my suitcase aside, not taking my eyes off of her and the space behind her. “What is that supposed to mean? Where’s Yixing?”  
“He’s asleep right now. Do you want me to pass some message to him? I’ll tell him when he wakes up.”  
“No, I’ll talk to him in person.” I tried to get through the door but she blocked the way.  
“I’m afraid he wouldn’t want to talk to you. Don’t forget he lost his job because of you. Probably, he’ll never want to see you again in his life,” she answered with a rough tone, her hand still blocking my way. I had no clue what was going on in here.  
“What are you talking about, Hayoon-ah?” I snapped at her she nearly jerked.  
“You still don’t get it?” A scoff left her mouth. I just silently waited for her to open her mouthagain. “You're nothing more than just one of many other girls who fell for his words. In fact, he doesn’t love you at all. He sleeps with half of his students, including me.”  
“You’re lying, Hayoon-ah! I don’t believe you!” I yelled at her. I was full of unbearable anger.  
“ _I’m not risking my job and your future only for some meaningless fucking. I love you, okay?_ ” she said suddenly, apathetically viewing her new manicure. “You heard this once, didn’t you?”  
“W-what? How…?” I searched for her eyes.  
“Does it make sense to you already?” she asked, an irony in her voice. “Everything he’s ever done with you, he’s doing it with other girls. Everything he’s ever said to you, he said it to dozens of other girls. None of the things he’s said to you was ever meant seriously.”  
Tears burst out of my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t believe her a single word but oddly enough, I believed everything she told me too easily. Maybe because I myself, somewhere deep inside, still doubted him.  
“You have to share him with others. If you can’t take it, you should let him be.”  
That was the last drop. I absolutely couldn’t stand it so I grabbed my suitcase with a loud sob and ran away. As soon as I got out, into the fresh air, I threw my head back, facing the sky, and took a deep breath. I let out a hoarse scream which sliced through the silent night like a knife blade. I dropped down to my knees, drowning in my own sobs.  
So it could get worse. All of a sudden, I had nothing. In just one single day, I lost everything – school, family, home, friends, love… My life literally broke into small pieces, just fragments of something I once used to call a life. Those fragments were like small shards that cut and stabbed, slowly killing my body and my soul.  
I was wandering around the night Seoul until I calmed down to a level where I stopped crying and I could breathe freely again. My legs carried me on one of the many bridges crossing the Han River. I was walking along the railing, looking down at the calm water, lost in my own thoughts. I was completely defenceless, I was homeless, I had no money and no more taste for life. _What was left of it for me to keep living it?_  
Before I could think it through, I climbed over the railing and looked down at the river for the last time. It will hurt. But it will be less painful than what I’m experiencing now. It will be a liberation.  
I closed my eyes and stepped into the void.


	36. Chapter 35

“I think she’s back to her senses!”  
The voices seemed to be coming from afar as if they were muted, but they were definitely real. They gradually became clearer until they eventually resonated in my head, loudly and dreadfully. All of a sudden, I was aware of every rustle, every whisper, every breath took in and breathed out… I tried to swallow but my dry and tight throat stopped me from doing so. I rather slowly opened my eyes.  
“She’s woken up!”  
“I’ll go to the doctor.”  
It took a while before my sight focused but as soon as the shapes before my eyes depicted in clear images, I saw my mother’s red and swollen face.  
“Thank God you’re back!” Tears were streaming down her face, falling down and soaking in my blanket. She held my hand, locked our fingers together and squeezed it firmly. She laid her head on the bed I was lying on and continued sobbing silently. “I was worried that...that…”  
“I-I’m thirsty,” I managed to whisper in a wheezy voice.  
My mom immediately reached for a bottle of water on the bedside table, she unscrewed the cap and filled up a pre-prepared glass with a straw. She held the straw close to my mouth for me to be able to drink comfortably. When I emptied the glass all at once, she put it back on the table.  
“Do you need anything else? Tell me.” She stroked my head and sat on the bed next to me.  
I shook my head and closed my eyes for a moment. The fatigue tried to pull me back into deep sleep and if it hadn’t been for my father’s arrival, I would have actually fallen asleep again. The doctor followed him into my room.  
“How do you feel, Miss Jung?” the doctor asked while he briefly examined me. At first, he touched my forehead to make sure I’m not running a fever. He then tried how my eyes react to light and finally, he listened to my heartbeat and my breathing with a stethoscope.  
“I am tired and I am really cold but otherwise, I do not feel that bad,” I answered as soon as he finished examining me.  
“Do you remember what happened?” He put the stethoscope back into the pocket of his white coat and pulled out a temperature measurement device instead of it. He briefly placed it in front of my forehead and after a quiet beep, he checked the result it showed.  
“I do,” I answered silently. I exactly remembered the thing I have done.  
“As I thought, your temperature is high.” He ignored my answer and continued in his work. “You have gotten off with just mild pneumonia but you are still going to have to stay in the hospital for several days. It is very important for you to heal properly. Pneumonia is not a banality, even if it is just a mild one.”  
“She will be fine, right, doctor?” my dad asked him and stood next to me to be able to touch my shoulder and squeeze it firmly.  
“Do not worry, she will overcome it.” He smiled at my parents to calm them down. However, the smile was quickly gone and replaced by an expression full of worries. “Would you mind if I talked to your daughter alone?”  
“Of course not, doctor.” Dad gave me a smile and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. “We’ll be back in a minute.”  
My parents left the room and left us alone in the room. For a while, it was quiet and the air filled with an odd tension. The doctor, Lee Hyeongu, as I managed to read on his name tag, apparently wasn’t sure how to start. He ran his fingers over his stubble, his other hand in the pocket of his coat, breathing heavily. Then, a moment later, he finally broke the silence.  
“If it weren’t for the man who saw you jump, right now, you would probably be...dead. You were very lucky.” He made a few steps across the room, apparently so that he could think his following words through. “This man described it as a suicide attempt to the police. It was my responsibility to notify a psychologist and if had not done it, the police would do it in my place.” He looked at me with guilty eyes. There were compassion and sympathy in his expression.  
“Do they know? My parents,” I asked with a hope in my voice. With a hope that they may not know anything and I might be able to pretend that everything is absolutely okay with me in front of them.  
“Yes, they do. The psychologist has already spoken with them. Soon, he will come to talk to you, too, as soon as you rest properly.”  
“I would like to talk to them.” I wriggled on the bed to relieve the pain in my back. God knows for how long I have been lying here already.  
“Okay, I will send them here. In the evening, I will come again.” He lifted the corners of his lips and created a little smile. Then he left the room.  
Soon, my parents came back into the room, both of them qualmish because of this whole situation. Each one of them sat on one side of my bed. Stress and fatigue left signs on them without a doubt but they still managed to smile at me warmly. I needed those smiles in this moment and the knew it well.  
“I’m so sorry,” I said and my voice cracked in the middle of the sentence. One stray tear rolled down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through because of me.”  
“It’s us who should be sorry,” mom started speaking. “We’re sorry for everything we said to you. If we hadn’t overreacted so much, this wouldn’t have happened. Forgive us.”  
“Your mom’s right. Instead of helping you, we let the anger took control of us,” dad added and his otherwise hard features suddenly softened, controlled by emotions.  
“I’ve already forgotten and forgiven you. I love you.” I wiped my tears away and let them both hug me. “I have nothing but you.”'  
“As soon as you’re all healed, you’re gonna come back home with us and we’ll start all over. Don’t worry, honey, it will be okay.” Mom was fighting her tears which were constantly winning over her.  
The feeling I finally have something again, something that holds the remnants of my life together, something like a family and home, was priceless. I felt much more confident that I can go through this and endure it until the end. I was glad I got a second chance despite how I treated the first one. I was determined to prove that I deserved it. That I can change my life from the basics because right now, the bases my life stood on, were completely useless. The first step to my goal was to forget. However, forget about someone like him wasn’t so easy.  
“What about my phone?” I asked inconspicuously but my motive was completely clear.  
“They didn’t find it,” dad answered me, “but I’ve brought you your old phone. It should be enough for the time being.” He pulled it out of his pocket and put it on the table next to my bed.  
“Thank you.” I smiled at him, a little disappointed. “For how long I’ve been here, actually?”  
“Over two days. The doctors kept you in an induced sleep but today, they started to wake you up.” Mom squeezed my hand even tighter.  
“Did anyone else come to see me in those two days?” I was still hoping that he was at least looking for me. That what happened to me was not indifferent to him. That perhaps, he really loved me and it was all just a stupid misunderstanding.  
My parents exchanged looks, faces distorted in tensed grimaces before they turned to me and shook their heads.  
“No, dear, no one else came, just us.” Mom gave me a sorrowful look. “You should get some sleep. We’ll let you rest.” She gave me a peck on the forehead and then quietly left the room along with dad.  
In the silence they left behind, my thoughts loudly echoed.  
 _You don’t matter to him._  
That was the only thing I could focus on. Though I wanted it or not, I kept on repeating it in my head. I believed it. I believed that in the end, I’ve really become just another item on his long list that included tens of girls, students, who spent a night in his bed. I believed that he didn’t care if I was lying in a hospital bed or in a heap of shit. I believed that he did not love me for a single minute. I believed Hayoon.  
The most appropriate time has come – time to, perforce, take step number one.  
Forget.


	37. Chapter 36

My health condition got better quickly. I was still at the hospital, getting treated for pneumonia but I felt better anyway. I got my appetite back, my temperature stopped going up and down and my mobility has increased quite a lot since last week. I finally didn’t have to lie in bed for hours, I could go for a walk through the adjacent park and I could spend the evenings with other patients in the common room. Physically, I felt all right. However, psychically, I felt much worse.  
Despite my decision to forget about Yixing and everything that has happened in recent months, the fact that he still hasn’t appeared was making me upset. The moment he would appear, I would probably kick him out of the room immediately but still, I just hoped he would show at least some interest, just in principle. But he didn’t. He didn’t come a single time and I slowly stopped hoping it would ever happen. It was destroying me. I was wiped out by the fact that I foolishly thought there was something more between us, something much stronger and stable, something that no one and nothing can ever endanger. I couldn’t deal with the fact it was all one big lie served on a silver plate and I trusted him with a smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t understand he had the courage to claim that he loved me and while I wasn’t by his side, he claimed the exact same thing to someone else.  
And despite all this, I was still hypnotising the door, waiting for it to open and reveal a sight of Yixing, standing behind the threshold and waiting for me to let him cross it. The door opened several times a day but never revealed the sight I dreamt in detail.  
I was just scrutinising the light wood with my eyes tied to the door when it opened and as always, someone other than I wanted and needed was hiding behind them. My mom peeked in and knocked on the wood.  
“Hyejin-ah, how do you feel?” she asked worried but with a slight, almost unnoticeable spark in her eyes.  
“I’m feeling okay, mom,” I answered her with a smile on my face.  
“And are you in the mood for a visit? Someone is here to see you.”  
My heart suddenly raced, my throat tightened and my eyes opened wide. I instinctively buried my fingers deep in the mattress as I was trying to focus on breathing regularly and deeply. I instantly became tensed with expectation.  
“S-sure, why not,” I finally spoke with a shaking voice.  
“Okay, wait for a little.” She smiled at me before her head disappeared behind the door.  
I started panicking. I was one hundred percent sure that in the following thirty seconds, I would probably collapse if I didn’t collect myself this instant. I was taking in deep breaths, trying to get rid of the nervousness which poured into my bowels and I tried not to think about who could be behind that door. I tried not to admit that most of all I wished it would be him, the heartless and totally superficial bastard I still loved headlessly.  
When the door finally opened, a familiar tall blondie full of charm and positive energy appeared in it.  
“Ye...Yejin-ah?” I burst out surprised.  
I would be a liar if I said I was not even a little disappointed by the one who came to visit me. I wanted it to be Yixing. I was just simply crazy for it, without being able to explain. I wanted him to stand behind the door, I wanted to scream at him, yell at him, throw punches at him and then threw myself at him, wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in a tight embrace to be able to breathe in his scent which I was already starting to forget. But he, once again, disappointed me that he was not there.  
“For God’s sake, Hyejin-ah!” Yejin made a few steps towards my bed and sat on it, immediately pulling me into her arms and squeezing me like a little baby. “What have you done, you fool?”  
In the end, I imitated her and wrapped my arms around her, too. I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed loudly. Her arms were warm and peaceful. Although she was not the one I originally wanted to hug, I was grateful she was there.  
“Don’t worry about me, Yejin-ah, I’m fine.”  
“You can’t even imagine how worried I was when I found out. Don’t ever do this to me again!” She pulled away from me and I could see her glassy eyes, undoubtedly ready to shed a tear. “I apologise, Hyejin-ah. I’m sorry about what happened and that I left you alone in this.”  
“I should be the one apologising, Yejin-ah,” I admitted, overwhelmed by emotions just like Yejin. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. Now I know that you had nothing to do with it and that you would never do something like this to me because you’re a person who has always stood behind me and that won’t change. I’m sorry I didn’t realise it sooner.” I hugged her again and buried my nose in her soft sweater.  
“It’s all right, Hyejin-ah, it’s all right. This is behind us. Now you just have to get better, okay?” She soothingly stroked my back, trying to calm me and maybe even herself down.  
I nodded and murmured a few words as an agreement.  
All of a sudden, I dropped a huge stone from the heart. Now that I got rid of one dreadful pain by resolving this major misunderstanding, I felt much better. Except for my family, I suddenly had someone I can rely on, someone I can talk to about everything and someone who will experience both joy and pain with me again. Knowing I’m not alone any more was like seeing a light at the end of a tunnel. It made me calm.  
When we both finally calmed down, she pulled back from me and looked at me carefully. It was visible on her face that inside, she was fighting with something, she had something on her mind and she didn’t know what to do or what words to use. In the end, she summoned up the courage and took a deep breath before she spoke.  
“I-I don’t want to touch a sensitive spot but...what about Yixing? Did you guys talk after what happened at university?” She bit her lower lip, nervous and worried whether she accidentally said something wrong.  
“I’m not sure if I wanna talk about him, Yejin-ah.” I looked away from her, in the direction of the window. May was slowly drawing to an end and the sun was shining.  
“I’m not gonna force you, Hyejin-ah, but I think you’d feel much more relieved if you also talked to someone other than just a psychologist, they are useless anyway. A stranger can never really understand you.” She took my hand and squeezed it. I turned my sight to her again and searched in her eyes a bit. “Come on, Hyejin-ah. If there’s anything bothering you, you can tell me. I’m here for you,” she said quietly and squeezed my hand even harder.  
Her words had something to them. Maybe she was right about the fact that she’s able to understand me like nobody else in this world and she’s able to help me just as well as the best psychologist in the world. After all, she was the one who knew almost everything about me – what I like and what I hate, my concerns and my worries, interests and even the biggest secrets… I thought about it a little and finally, I discovered the courage inside me.  
“When I woke up from the induced sleep, I realised I’m gonna have to sacrifice something for the second chance I got. So I decided to forget about him and I really thought I could make it. I was convinced I wouldn’t need him any more but more and more, I can feel the emptiness left behind. It’s like I am missing a piece of myself, you know?” I asked more of a rhetorical question and Yejin aggressively nodded. “He hasn’t even appeared once and...it really hurts me. Much more than I admitted.”  
“And all that because of what happened at school? I’m sure there’s more to it, Hyejin-ah. Something must have happened between you two, am I right? Otherwise, there’s no way you would have done...you know what.” Her eyes were glued to our locked hands.  
“He was cheating on me, Yejin-ah.” Her eyes moved up to look into mine in a flesh. “Cheating?”  
“Yes. After my parents kicked me out on the street, I had nowhere to go, only to him. But when I arrived in his flat, do you know what I found there? Half naked Hayoon who told me a few really interesting things.” I sat on the bed to make myself more comfortable.  
“What...what things?” She poured some tea into a glass and kindly offered it to me.  
“I found out I wasn’t the only one he slept with...and claimed to love. There were lots of other girls, students like me, and it was the same with each one of them. Including Hayoon. He didn’t even want to talk to me because I ruined his life.”  
I drank some tea and put the glass back on the table next to my bed. As soon as my hands were free, I started to play with the hem of the blanket. I needed to be constantly busy.  
“And are you sure you can really trust her? There’s something odd about it. You know what kind of person she is and I’m certain this is another one of her games. Yixing loves you and I don’t believe he would do this to you,” she said and shook her head unapprovingly. “Don’t you think?”  
“I wish it was true, Yejin-ah, but I think it’s better for me to just take it as it is. If he really cared for me, he would have come here long ago, nah?”  
Yejin gave me a sympathetic smile and searched for my hand again. “I just can’t believe it.”  
“It’s the same for me, Yejin-ah, exactly the same.”


	38. Chapter 37

“We’re home!”  
Dad parked the car in front of our house. Seeing it after such a long time was something indescribable. It felt unfamiliar but it was still my home. I knew I’d never feel so safe anywhere else. That’s why I was glad I could come back here.  
I smiled at my dad while unfastening my belt. I opened the door in the passenger seat, swung my legs over the chassis and let them hit the gravel driveway to our house. I got out of the car and shut the door, opening the rear door instead of it to get my backpack.  
“I’ll get it, go and greet your mother,” he said and walked around the car to my side.  
He took the backpack from my hands and closed the rear door. I headed towards the entrance door, the same one my parents slammed shut in front of my nose two weeks ago. I shuddered and shook off the painful memories, then I turned the iron door handle to be able to enter the house finally.  
“Mom? I’m home.” I immediately took off my shoes and slipped into my warm fluffy slippers to make myself more comfortable.  
I looked around. Nothing has changed here, as expected. Two weeks was a relatively short time for things to change but they were enough for my life to be turned over completely. Although everything around me was just as I remembered it, still there was one thing that was completely different. It was me. I have changed and I’ll never be the same. I’ll never feel the same way. It was hard to deal with it.  
“Hyejin-ah?” Mom appeared behind the corner and as she saw me, her eyes became brighter. She hastened her step to quickly get closer to me and pull me into an embrace. “Welcome home, darling.”  
I let the warmth of her arms and her scent surround me and then I wrapped my arms around her body, my hands clenched into fists. “Thank you, mom.”  
She pulled back from me to look at me closely. “You look much better, honey. How do you feel? Are you all right?” she asked, full of worries.  
“I am, mom. I’m doing well.” _No, I’m not_ , I thought. But I didn’t say it. I rather gave her a bright smile.  
“That’s good. That’s really good, Hyejin-ah,” she said and caressed my hair. “Now, come on, the lunch is ready,” she said to follow her so I did.  
I sat down at the table, just the moment my dad joined us. We all silently started eating and I actually enjoyed the silence. For once, I felt a little more normal – I was simply having lunch with my family, no questions and no answers, just silence. However, my parents just had to ruin it all.  
“Hyejin-ah, we should talk,” my mom started talking, uncertain. She leaned her elbows against the table and locked her hands together in front of her face.  
“I don’t wanna talk.” I drank the orange juice from my glass and put it back on the table.  
“Please, cooperate with us, Hyejin-ah. We all know your problems won’t just disappear. You can’t ignore them. Jesus, you even attempted to ki-”  
“But talking about it over and over doesn’t help as much as you think, it makes me feel uneasy.” I didn’t even let her finish the sentence and snapped at her. “It’s enough when I talk about it with the psychologist. That’s why we pay him. At least here, at home, I wanna feel normal and comfortable.”  
My dad was just watching all the time, speechless and not knowing what to add to this sensitive topic. Sometimes he nodded to my mother who looked at him every time she wanted him to agree with her and sometimes he gave me a sympathetic look for which I was extremely grateful to him.  
“Fine, let’s change the topic,” my mom retreated. “You should start studying again,” she noted by the way and took a bite of meat and some vegetable.  
“No, I don’t think so. I’m not ready.” I refused resolutely and stuck my fork into a piece of beef meat.  
“Why? Isn’t it what your psychologist recommended you anyway? He said you should try to integrate back into your old routine. Daily life situations will make you busy and help you get over it easier,” mom raised her voice at me and put her cutlery away with a loud clink.  
Dad noticed the dissatisfied expression on my face and finally got involved with the situation. “We can’t force her if she doesn’t want to,” he said softly and put his hand on mom’s shoulder. “If it’s too soon for her, it can wait.”  
“Thanks, dad.” I smiled at him gratefully and pushed the plate with my serving away. Because of this conversation, my appetite was gone.  
“I actually have an idea,” dad said after a moment of silence. “Would you listen to me, Hyejin-ah?”  
I thought it over and waited for a while before I nodded in an agreement and leaned back in my chair. “What is it?”  
“I understand it’s difficult for you to come back to school – it’s an environment you associate with lots of things that hurt you and led you to the decision to try to take your own life. It must be really hard,” he paused for a bit, “and that’s why I think you should find a different way to make yourself busy.”  
“But I can’t think of any,” I said, trying hard to think of something.  
“What about getting a job? You know, just for the meantime,” he said finally, crossing his arms on his chest.  
“Are you serious?” My mom went crazy. She was in a visible shock. “A job would be too stressful for Hyejin...even a stupid walk around the city is now very stressful for her!”  
“Exactly!” he was trying to explain it. “We have to do something about it, otherwise it won’t get any better.”  
“That’s why I wanted her to start studying again,” mom protested.  
“But school environment is totally unsuitable for her, she can’t-”  
“Enough!” I screamed. I was fed up with how they quarrelled about something I should solve myself. “Stop it, please.”  
They both looked my way. A look at my angry face surely convinced them to quit it, so they just exchanged brief looks before they leaned back in their seats again.  
“Thank you.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Dad’s right. I’m not going back to school. At least for the time being. And I think that his idea is good, actually.”  
“Are you sure, darling?” My mom was still in doubts.  
“I am. I’m gonna get a job and stand on my own feet again.”  
 _I’m gonna try_ , I thought.


End file.
